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Un nuevo rico hab�a enviado a su hijo peque�o a Viena para que le ense�aran a tocar el viol�n.
Cuando el hijo regresa, a los dos a�os, le pide a un amigo mel�mano que lo escuche y d� su opini�n. As� lo hacen y despu�s de que el ni�o ha tocado el viol�n, el padre pregunta al amigo:
“�Qu� te parece la ejecuci�n?”
“Hombre, un poco fuerte. Yo creo que dos bofetadas ser�an suficiente”.
A man goes to his Catholic priest, to confess his sins.
Man: “Father, I’ve sinned. I went to my Uncles house,
but he wasn’t there, and his wife wasn’t there, so I talked to
his daughter for five minutes, then I had sex with her.”
Priest: “Well, it’s a first offence, so I’ll go easy.
A donation of five dollars, and ten Hail Mary’s will earn you
forgiveness.”
Then next day, the man goes back to his priest.
Man: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I went back to my Uncles house, but he wasn’t there,
and his daughter wasn’t there, so I talked to his wife
for five minutes, then I had sex with her.
Priest: “That’s twice. You’d better not do it again.
A donation of twenty dollars, and forty Hail Mary’s and
I’ll forgive you. But I’d better not see you again for a while.”
The day after that, the man goes back to his priest.
Priest: “You again? I thought I said I didn’t want to see you for a
while”
Man: “But, father, I went to my Uncle’s house again today.
He wasn’t there, his wife wasn’t there, and his daughter wasn’t there.
So, I thought I’d come and talk to you for five minutes.”
Un tipo llega a una torre de consultorios con un frasco de muestras y pregunta en la recepci�n:
“Disculpe, se�orita,�el consultorio del oftalm�logo?”
“Se�or, Ud. busca el laboratorio y est� en el s�tano”.
“No, yo quiero ver al oculista”.
“Est� bien, se encuentra en el piso 3”.
Sube el se�or al consultorio con su frasquito y pregunta por el especialista
“Sr. se ha equivocado, el laboratorio est�…”
“S�, ya lo s�, pero quiero ver al oculista”.
“Est� bien”.
Y lo pasan con el facultativo. Al ver que el paciente llega con su frasquito, le conmina:
“Sr., el laboratorio…”
“S�, Dr., ya lo s�”.
“Entonces �por qu� viene a verme?”
“Es que quiero saber por qu� cada vez que hago esta mierda me lloran los ojos”.
What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook?
“Steal a chicken…”
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
“Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.”
“Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied. “You can’t make a living on that.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the side!”
A woman goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.”
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
“Well, what is it?” he asks. “It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies, “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.”
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”
The woman blushes and says, “Well, actually I have.”
“That’s the problem,” the doctor says, “Tell him his earrings aren’t made of gold!!!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Abraham wanted to put Windows 95 on his computer, but Isaac was concerned:
“But father, we don’t have enough memory for that!”
“Don’t worry, son, God will provide the RAM.”
Did you know that the average intercourse or lay requires 30 strokes of 6 inches or 180 inches per lay. An average woman can take 3 lays per week, 540 inches or 45 feet of penis per week. Which means she accepts 2,340 feet of peter per year. Since a mile equals 5,280 feet, we learn that a women gets approximately one half a mile of peter a year. So if your not getting your 1/2 mile. Your getting screwed out of peter and don’t even know it!
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Peter’s first date with Meg had gone well. As they sat in Peter’s front seat on a remote country road, Meg made an announcement.
“I’m actually a prostitute,” Meg warned. “If you want any action, it’ll cost you $30.”
“Well,” Peter shot back, “I have to tell you something too. I’m actually a cab driver. If you want a ride back into the city, it’ll cost you $50.”
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)8. “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies)
1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
2. The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
3. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
4. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
5. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
6. A few clowns short of a circus.
7. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
8. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
9. A few beers short of a six-pack.
10. Dumber than a box of hair.
11. A few peas short of a casserole.
12. One taco short of a combination plate.
13. All foam, no beer.
14. The cheese slid off his cracker.
15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 2
17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 18. An intellect
rivaled only by garden tools.
19. As smart as bait.
20. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
21. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
22. Surfing in Nebraska.
22. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than
most.
23. One sandwich short of a picnic.
24. The light’s on, but nobody’s home.
25. If dumb were dirt, he’d cover about an acre.