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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’m, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
A young man and his girlfriend were driving along one day. He noticed that she kept looking at him and smiling. Then she leant over and whispered in his ear, “can you drive using only one hand?”
“I sure can” he grinned, thinking his luck was in.
“Good” she said, “then wipe your nose” she said “it’s running”
Estaban una vez Jes�s reunido con sus disc�pulos en el cielo discutiendo el problema de las drogas en el mundo. Entonces propone Pedro:
“Vayamos a la Tierra y que cada uno de nosotros traiga una droga diferente, la analizamos y buscamos una soluci�n.”
“Perfecto”, dice Jes�s.
Pues se van los disc�pulos a la Tierra y a las horas llega el primero y toca la puerta del cielo.
“�Quien es?” pregunta Jes�s.
“Soy Juan.”
“�Y qu� traes?”
“Mariguana de Jamaica.”
“Ah, pasa.”
Luego vuelven a tocar la puerta.
“�Quien es?” vuelve a preguntar Jes�s.
“Somos nosotros, Lucas y Marcos.”
“�Y qu� traen?”
“Coca�na de Colombia y Crac de Jap�n.”
“Ah, pasen.”
Una vez m�s tocan a la puerta.
“�Quien es?” pregunta Jes�s.
“Soy Judas.”
“�Y qu� traes?”
“�A los del FBI, hijos de puta, todos contra la pared!”
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However it does have:
1 neutron.
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which
it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount
of Administratium causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown
that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how. Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the
Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about
the way of life there.
REPORTER:
Hello there, excuse me, I’m from the BBC and I’m gathering
material for a documentary about the way of life in the
remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an
interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?
SCOTSMAN:
Certainly…
REPORTER:
Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?
SCOTSMAN:
Well now there’s a story. Y’know I deliver the mail round
here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don’t.
You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built
more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald
the Croftbuilder? No, they don’t.
And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made
several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No,
they don’t.
But, I tell you, a moment’s weakness with just ONE sheep ….
Why don’t [ethnics] drink much milk?
Because they can’t fit the cow into the refrigerator.
Do you know the difference between a good year and 365 used condoms?
answer: a f****** good year!!!!!
We have yet to meet a kid stupid enough to show pictures of his
grandparents to total strangers on a bus, let alone repeat the clever
things they say.
– Sam Levenson
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, “I’ve heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I’ve met who passed out a sample of it.”
Entra Pepito al ba�o de improviso, y el pap� en la regadera se tapa el sexo con las manos. Entonces, Pepito le pregunta: “�Qu� tienes ah� papi?”
El pap�, nervioso, le contesta: “Un rat�n Pepito, un rat�n.”
Y Pepito, nada bruto: “�Te lo est�s cogiendo verdad?”
The following ads acutally appeared in newspapers:
ILLITERATE ? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
OUR BIKINIS ARE EXCITING. They are simply the tops.
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk “What’s up?”
“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,” the clerk explains. “So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once.”
“Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot,” the owner shouts angrily.
“Sure it will,” the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman