Category: other

two black men are walking down the street 1 says to the other morning like your new sunglasses the other says dont take the piss there my nostrills.

Thoughts from a school teacher:

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.

2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.

10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should put “A very good doctor.”

Once , in a stormy night , a mans car broke down . He went to a house and knocked on the door . No one answered . He went to the backyard and looked through a window . He saw a women with a clock a in her hand and with the other she was squeezing her tit . Then he saw a man jacking off and pouring water over his head . The man went to the neighbors house knocked on the door and asked the neighbor , ” What is up with your old neighbors ?” ” Well , if the women was holding a clock and squeezing her tit , she was saying that it was time to milk the cow . If the old man was jacking off and pouring water over his head , he was saying fuck you , it is pouring outside .”

Dos rancheros platican de sus labores diarias:

“Estoy a punto de vender todas mis marranas, porque por m�s que les he puesto los mejores sementales, no se han pre�ado”.

“Lo que pasa es que te ha fallado la t�ctica, compadre. Mira, yo tengo una que no falla: muy de madrugada, a eso de las 4 de la ma�ana, las llevas en tu camioneta a la sierra y all� te las fornicas; luego, las traes de regreso a la granja. Cerca del mediod�a revisas lo siguiente: si est�n en el sol, es que ya est�n listas para que un semental las monte, pero si est�n en la sombra, es que no fue efectivo el remedio, por lo que tendr�s que repetirlo hasta que las halles en el sol”.

Muy emocionado, el primer ranchero decide poner en pr�ctica el consejo de su amigo, por lo que al d�a siguiente, muy temprano, se llev� a sus marranas a la sierra. Cerca de las 10 a.m. regresan, y a las doce se asoma:

“�Chin…! Est�n en la sombra, ni modo, ma�ana otra vez”.

Pero esto sigui� repiti�ndose durante todo el mes. Situaci�n que ten�a a nuestro hombre Juan con 12 kilos menos y unas ojeras como de oso panda. Uno de tantos d�as, ya sin ganas de continuar con su prop�sito, le pide a su mujer, quien desconoc�a los planes de su marido:

“Mujer, f�jate si las puercas est�n en el sol o en la sombra”.

“Pues no est�n ni en el sol ni en la sombra”, le informa la se�ora, “est�n todas arriba de la camioneta y una de ellas est� tocando el claxon para que ya te subas”.

there was a boy who’s parents were fighting he heard them call each other bitches and bastards he said mommy what does bitches and bastards mean? she said men and women. then they made up and went into the room the boy opened the door and heard his parents say nice dick nice tits so the boy said mommy what does dick and tits mean oh it mean coats and hats so then the dad is shaving in the bathroom the boy opens the door and the dad says shit the boy says daddy what does shit mean oh shaving so then the boy goes to his mom and she is in the kitchen cutting the turkey she accidentlsy cuts herself and says fuck! the boy says mommy what does fuck mean? oh cutting the turkey so then the doorbell rings and the boy says i’ll get it and he opens the door and says hi bitches and bastards hang your dicks and tits in the closet my mom’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey and my dads in the bathroom shaving the shit out of himself

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when
suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c’mon, I’m sure there’s one buried in
your desk too.) Since he’d heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub
the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and — oh, surprise
— out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, �What is your first wish?� The government
worker thought about it for a second, then replied, �I would like to be rich!�
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of
money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.

Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn’t even
have to ask for number two before he said, �My second wish is to be on an island
with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!� And poof, he
was there.

Then the government worker — or, as I like to call him, civil servant —
decided on his third wish, �I don’t want to do any work ever again!� and poof —
ubiquitous ironic twist — he was back in his office.

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week’s liberty.

The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don’t like Mexicans.”

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers.

Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, “There must be some mistake!”

“Oh no, madam,” said the first officer, “Captain Martinez doesn’t make mistakes.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!!

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
self-control.

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I’m not tense, just incredibly alert.

When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

Earth is full. Go home.

Q:What do you call someone standing on top of a toilet?
A:High on Pot

This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted.

The guy says ‘I’d like a quickie’.

The waitress flushes and says ‘That’s not funny. Now, what would you like to order.’

The guys says, ‘I’d really like a quickie’.

The waitress angrily storms off after this.

Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, ‘I think that it’s pronounced quiche…’

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’m, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient’s butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, “Hurt much?”The patient hesitated, “Didn’t hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!”