Category: other

Gone Fishing

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Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. “I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”

Punishment

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Joe dies and arrives in hell.

There he meets the devil and is told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000 year cycles.

The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next.

Finally, they go to a room where a beautiful cheerleader is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.

Joe says to the devil, �This is more like it.�

The devil replies, �Are you sure? It lasts for 1,000 years.�

Joe insists this is where he�d like to carry out his punishment.

So the devil walks over to the cheerleader and says, �You can go now. I�ve found your replacement.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Work Rules to Live By

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1. Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets

If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere

If You Love

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The Original Version:

If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was….

New, Revised and Updated Versions:

* Pessimist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

* Optimist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
Don’t worry, she will come back.

* Suspicious:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

* Impatient:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she doesn’t come back within your specific time limit, forget her.

* Patient:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she doesn’t come back, continue to wait until she comes back…

* Playful:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, *repeat*

* Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

* Lawyer:
If you love somebody, set her free…
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states this.

* Bill Gates:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

* Schwarzenegger Fan:
If you love somebody, set her free…
SHE’LL BE BACK!

* Over Possessive Control Freak:
If you love somebody,
don’t set her free.

* HR Specialist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

* Psychologist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

* Somnabulist:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, it’s a nightmare;
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

* Finance Expert:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

* Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody, set her free…
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new and emerging markets!

How to annoy the Hell out of a telemarketer

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1.Get him/her confused
You:Hello
Telemarketer: May I speak with whoever
You:She cant talk, shes over at the vet getting her rabies shots
Telemarketer: Umm, exscuse me?
You: Well shes (think up a crazy name), our dog.
Shes back from the vet, hi!
Telemarketer: he will either hang up or think your kidding and
just say may I speak with her?
You:Shes actually deaf too though
Telemarketer:May I just speak with her
You: O.K, here she is
Say nothing for 20 seconds
Telemarketer:Hello? Hello?
You: I told you, shes disabled
Telemarketer: im convinced (click)

2.Make him/her feel bad
You:Hello
Telemarketer:May I speak with Mr.Smith/The person who is in
charge of the phone bill
You:Whimper twice: im afraid he passed away
Telemarketer: Im so sorry sir
You: that ok i’ll get passed it(pretend to cry) Did you have any
special offers?
Telemarketer: Yes sir actually i did. You could get bla bla bla
bla bal
Think of a word he says and say something about your “dead
family member” that has to do with it. Example: If he says
something about a Gold platinum card, say gold was his favorite
color and cry again or if he says something about calling plan
say he always had plans in life and now he can never complete
them. There will be a word he says there that will work.
He will either get annoyed and hangup or he will say im so sorry
again and you must keep annoying him/her.

These have all worked for me, or you can just try Jerry
Sienfeld’s idea. Remember?
Sienfeld:Hello
Telemarketer:Would you like to sign up for some special offer
Sienfeld:Well maybe but this isnt really a good time. Could you
give your home phone and I can just call you there?
Telemarketer: Well, we dont really like people doing that
Sienfeld: Wel Now you know how I feel(Click)

Era un tipo que nunca

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Era un tipo que nunca durante su ni�ez hab�a usado un calzoncillo porque su mam� no le compraba. As� que cuando ya creci� y cumpli� dieciocho a�os su mam� le compr� diez
metros de manta y le hizo un calzoncillo con un metro de esa manta.

El muchacho estaba tan contento, pues era la primer vez que iba a estrenar una prenda de esas. As� que decidi� ir a sorprender a su novia con el super regalo que le hab�an
dado, pero era tanta la emoci�n que ten�a que se le olvid� ponerse el canzoncillo antes de ponerse el pantal�n. Y as� con gran emoci�n se fu� donde la novia.

Llega a casa de la novia y cuando est�n en la sala le dice: “Mi amor, tengo una sorpresa que quiero ense�arte”.

Y r�pidamente se suelta el pantal�n, sin acordarse a�n que no ten�a el canzoncillo puesto. Y la hembra donde ve semejante barbaridad se qued� at�nita y dijo:

“Dios m�o, pero que es esa barbaridad”.

A lo que el tipo responde: “Y eso no es nada mi amor, en la casa quedaron nueve metros m�s.

Dos ga�anes del barrio bravo

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Dos ga�anes del barrio bravo de Tepito, en la Ciudad de M�xico, se encuentran en la calle:

“Chale mi Mai �por qu� vienes todo madreado?”

“Ni te cuento, pinche Portugal, f�jate que ayer, como todas las ma�anas, pos me sal� a ver a quien me chingaba saliendo del cajero �no? En eso que veo un g�erito que se notaba que acababa de sacar una feria en efe, y que le tiro una de mis famosas patadas voladoras y que la esquiva, y que le tiro un madrazo al cuello y que se agacha el muy m�ndigo.”

“Chale Portugal, �pos qu� era karateka el g�ey?”

“��rale, pos yo creo que s�!”

“�Pero y pos por qu� est�s todo madreado?”

“P�rate carnal, luego de esquivar mis golpes, que me agarra del brazo el muy jijo, y que me hace manita de puerco y que me pone una madriza de miedo; yo ni las manitas pod�a poner…”

“Boinas carnal �y luego?”

“Pos que me patea la cara, el cuerpo, �Todo! Y me puso como me ves maestro, y pa� acabarla de chingar, ���que me mete el pito en la boca!!!”

“C�mara Portugal �Ah� te lo hubieras chingado! �Se lo hubieras mordido, g�ey!”

“Chale Mai, no pod�a �sabes por qu�?”

“�Por qu� carnal?”

“�Pos porque era el m�o!”