Category: other

your like a gas station your always ready to pump

Un convicto reci�n escapado de la c�rcel entr� a una casa y at� a una joven pareja que se encontraba durmiendo en la rec�mara. Tan pronto como vio una oportunidad, el marido se volvi� hacia su joven y voluptuosa mujer, que estaba atada sobre la cama, vestida solo con un peque�o camis�n, y le susurr�:

“Cari�o, este tipo no ha visto a una mujer en a�os. Trata de cooperar con cualquier cosa que desee. Si quiere tener sexo contigo, s�guele la corriente y haz como si te gustara. Nuestras vidas dependen de eso.”

La esposa logr� quitarse la mordaza y le respondi�:

“Cari�o, estoy tan contenta de que pienses as�, porque el tipo me acaba de decir que piensa que eres realmente guapo!”

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.”There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.”Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.”No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.”Your boyfriend then?” he asked.”No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.”Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

Yo’ mama so fat, she has a kickstand on her pegleg!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — it’s half-past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”

“No. Get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says.

“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing seat.�

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter. “It’s me, Bill Clinton”. “What bad things did you do on earth?” Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.” After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.’Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”No, Dopey,’ responds the Pontiff, ‘there are not.”Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?’ Dopey questions.’No, Dopey,’ the Pope chuckles, ‘there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.”Mr Pope,’ Dopey asks pleadingly, ‘are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”No, Dopey,’ the Pope says sadly, ‘there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, ‘Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.’

What will the FBI say when they go to Gary Condit’s house to arrest him?”Mr. Condit, come out with your pants up!”

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.”Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ………..I tell you, I just crapped my pants.”The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”The old man shook his head and said, “No, no… not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!” ______________________

What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?

A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Diner: Waiter… waiter… this doughnut is crushed!!!

Waiter: Well you said bring me a doughnut and step on it!

Joe dies and arrives in hell.

There he meets the devil and is told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000 year cycles.

The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next.

Finally, they go to a room where a beautiful cheerleader is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.

Joe says to the devil, �This is more like it.�

The devil replies, �Are you sure? It lasts for 1,000 years.�

Joe insists this is where he�d like to carry out his punishment.

So the devil walks over to the cheerleader and says, �You can go now. I�ve found your replacement.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo