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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on
280. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Yo’ mama so fat, she fell asleep at a new gas station and when she woke up she
was painted orange with a 76 on her and was stuck at the top of a pole!
Q: What do you get when Dolly Parton does the backstroke?
A: Islands In The Stream.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy.
There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish
community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to
stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them
in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could
not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each
other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has
bested me. The Jews can stay.”
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.
The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God
common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that
God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God
was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that
God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original
sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what
happened.
“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get
out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours’. Then he tells me the whole city
would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews …
we stay right here!”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”
Learn from your parents’ mistakes — use birth control.
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ”I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.” The man was very upset and yelled, ”You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn’t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.” The brother thought about it and apologized. “So how’s Mom?” asked the man.”She’s on the roof and won’t come down.”
Prince Charming gets very drunk at the ball and ends up staggering out of the palace and into the Royal Vegetable Garden. When the Queen realises that he’s missing, she sends all the palace guards out in search of her son.In just minutes, the head guard finds the errant prince having a jolly good time thrusting his royal dick into a hole in the side of a large, ripe pumpkin.”Prince Charming!” cries the guard.”Forgive me for interrupting, but… Do you realise you’re fucking a pumpkin?”The prince stops what he’s doing and pulls back to examine the violated pumpkin.”Oh, my,” says the drunken prince.”Is it midnight already?”
Un apostador empedernido estaba en el hip�dromo cuando vio que un cura entraba al �rea de establos con uno de los propietarios, y bendec�a a uno de los caballos. En la carrera siguiente el caballo lleg� en primer lugar. Intrigado, comenz� a observar que esto se repet�a con frecuencia, as� que decidi� arriesgar todos sus ahorros. Al d�a siguiente sigui� los movimientos del cura y apost� todo al caballo que acababa de visitar.
Lleg� la carrera esperada y el caballo elegido no s�lo no gan�, sino que lleg� en �ltimo lugar, mucho muy lejos de los dem�s. Terriblemente acongojado, el apostador busc� al cura y le rog� que le dijera que es lo que hab�a salido mal.
El sacerdote suspir�, y dijo: “Ah, es una l�stima. Ese es el problema por no saber distinguir entre una bendici�n y una extremaunci�n.”
Entra un tipo cay�ndose de borracho a una cantina repleta de gente y de entrada dice: “�Todos son unos hijos de puta!”
Todos se quedan callados hasta que se levanta un negro de 2.10 m. de alto y le da una golpiza al borracho que lo deja tirado en el suelo. Al d�a siguiente se repite la historia, entra el borracho a la cantina y grita “�Todos son unos hijos de puta!”
El negro se vuelve a levantar y lo pone peor que el d�a anterior.
Al tercer d�a entra a la cantina y grita “�Todos son unos hijos de puta, menos el negro!”
El negro dice “�A m� nadie me discrimina!”, y le vuelve a dar soberbia paliza al borrach�n.
Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals?
Went home and got them bronzed.
your like a gas station your always ready to pump
Yo mama so stupid, when you were born she saw the umbilical cord and said,
�Hey it comes with cable!�