Category: other

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when
suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, “Did you call me?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Joseph replied, “I just hit my thumb with the hammer,
again.”

Why did the blonde go to church?

[Stretch arms out to sides] She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN “I’m inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again”. When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of “confusion”.

Caminando por la calle, Manolo se encuentra a Venancio, a quien ve muy bien vestido, pero lo que m�s llama su atenci�n son las botas que calza:

“Hombre, Venancio, �qu� bonitas botas! �De qu� son?”

“Ah, son de cocodrilo”.

Al otro d�a, Manolo estaba dispuesto a tener unas botas de cocodrilo, por lo que se mete al r�o con su machete en busca de uno. Cuando lo encuentra, la bestia y �l empiezan a pelear; despues de un rato, sale Manolo con el animal; lo tira al suelo; lo mira con asombro y enojo y exclama:

“�Maldita sea, �ste no tra�a botas!”

How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?

Forget it- we’ll drink in the dark

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered, ” You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”
He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil.
This one’s black!”

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan –
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink –
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray –
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids –
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles –
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer –
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos –
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap –
DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) –
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife –
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor –
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I’m curious.)

18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I’m glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw –
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT
DOES NOT
ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid:
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
(Duh!)

En cierta ocasi�n, se re�nen los ginec�logos de toda Colombia en una convenci�n nacional cuyo objetivo es intercambiar experiencias respecto de las anomal�as y problemas que en su vida profesional han encontrado en su ‘sitio’ de trabajo. En su intervenci�n, el decano de ellos expone:

“Estimados colegas, el caso m�s sorprendente que se me ha presentado es el haberme encontrado con un cl�toris como un mel�n”.

Ante esta afirmaci�n, los dem�s miembros de la convenci�n susurran:

“�Mi madre, el maestro desvar�a! �Es imposible encontrar un cl�toris con semejante hipertrofia, es necesario corregir al maestro, puede ser que la memoria le falle!”

Entonces, inician una especie de cruzada para determinar cu�l de los presentes lo corregir�. Como es l�gico, ninguno quiere emprender tan inc�moda tarea. Finalmente, uno de ellos se decide e increpa al maestro dici�ndole:

“Perd�n, doctor, �no cree usted que hablar de un cl�toris del tama�o de un mel�n es un poco exagerado?”

En aquel momento, el anciano galeno responde:

“�Y a usted qui�n le ha dicho que hablo del tama�o? Hablo del sabor, del sabor…”

Last Wednesday night I was sitting in my room watching television, when the phone rang.

“Hello?” I said.

A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, “I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around ten.”

There was a confused silence on the other end.

“Is this Steve?”

My name isn’t Steve, either. So I replied, “Yes, it is. D’you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at ten.”

A shocked voice now, “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.”

“I know that! I mean… who is she?”

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded, “Who the hell is Jennifer?!”

Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at ten. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she’s very upset and that I want him to call me as soon as he gets home.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

*CLICK*

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Una maestra mexicana fan�tica de las chivas pregunta a sus alumnos quien le va a las chivas y todos los ni�os por miedo levantan la mano, menos Pepito.

La maestra le pregunta: “�T� a quien le vas, Pepito?”

“Al Am�rica.”

“�Por qu�?”

“Porque mi pap� le va al Am�rica, mi mam� tambi�n y toda mi familia tambi�n.”

“Y si tu pap� fuera un homosexual, tu mam� una prostituta y toda tu familia fueran rateros, �t� que ser�as?”

Y Pepito responde:

“�Seguramente chivista!”

Yo’ mama so fat when she went to St. Louis she got stuck in the arch!

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.”You know the self X-ray you took?” asked the professor.”I do.” said the student.”A fine picture,” the professor said, “of your lungs, stomach, and liver.””If it’s a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?” asked the student”I had no choice,” said the professor.”You didn’t put your heart in it.”