Category: other

Good new Bad news

The bad news is a new pope has been elected.

The other bad new is the smoke was pink,

signifying he’s a registered sex offender.

“Me voy a Acapulquito”

“�A Acapulco, por qu�?”

“Porque ah� consigues comida, chupe, faje y hasta hotel y paseo gratis”.

“�Y qui�n te cont� eso?”

“�Mi hermana!”

What do you call an [ethnic] guy on a bike?

– Theif.

What do you call two [ethnics] on a bike?

– Organized Crime

Pepito estaba en su cuarto viendo una pel�cula mexicana donde escuchaba muchas malas palabras, y como �l no sab�a el significado de ninguna iba a preguntarle a su mam� y ella con mucha flojera, leyendo una revista, le contestaba lo primero que se le ocurr�a.

“�Mam�! �mam�! �qu� significa pinche?”

“Tus t�os, hijo, tus t�os, o sea los hermanos de tu pap�.”

“�Mam�! �mam�! �qu� significa cabrones?”

“Los sillones hijo, los sillones.”

“�Mam�! �mam�! �qu� significa pendejo?”

“Mmmmhhhhh… tu pap� hijo, tu pap�.”

Entonces tocan la puerta los t�os de pepito y �l abre y al verlos le dice:

“Pasen pinches, si�ntense en los cabrones que hay viene el pendejo.”

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says “not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says “not yet.”

Finally they say, “When can we see the baby!?”

And the mother says, “You’ll have to wait until the baby cries.”
And they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

The new mother says, “because I forgot where I put it!”

If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards.

Despu�s de una larga enfermedad, una mujer muere y llega a los portones del Cielo.

Mientras espera por San Pedro, ella ve a trav�s de las rejas a sus padres, amigos y todos los que hab�an partido antes que ella, sentados a una mesa, apreciando un banquete maravilloso.

Cuando San Pedro llega, ella le comenta:

“�Qu� lugar tan lindo! �C�mo hago para entrar?”

“Yo voy a decir una palabra. Si usted la deletrea correctamente la primera vez, entra; si se equivoca, va directo para el infierno.”

“OK, �cu�l es la palabra?”

“AMOR.”

Ella la deletre� correctamente y pas� por los portones. Un a�o despu�s, San Pedro le pidi�
que vigilase los portones aquel d�a. Para su sorpresa, aparece su marido.

“�Hola! �Qu� sorpresa!” dice ella. “�C�mo est�s?”

“�Ah!, pues he estado muy bien desde que falleciste. Me cas� con aquella bella enfermera que te cuid�, gan� la loter�a y me hice millonario. Vend� la casa donde viv�amos y compr� una mansi�n. Viaj� con mi esposa por todo el mundo. Est�bamos de vacaciones justamente cuando decid� ir a esquiar. Me ca�… el esqu� me cay� en la cabeza y aqu� estoy. �C�mo hago para entrar?”

“Yo voy a decirte una palabra. Si la deletreas correctamente la primera vez puedes entrar, si no, vas directo al infierno.”

“OK, �cu�l es la palabra?”

“SCHWARZENEGGER”

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to
him. “Good evenin’, Kelly,” said the muffled figure. “Don’t ye be knowin’ your
old friend Grogan any more?”

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and
adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.

“Saints!” cried Kelly. “Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely
jump from the trestle?”

“It could’ve been both,” said Grogan, “considerin’ the feel of it. But the
truth is, I was in bed with Murphy’s wife when Murphy himself comes in with
a murtherin’ big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature
beat the livin’ bejazus outa me.”

“He did indade,” said Kelly. “But couldn’t ye defend y’rself, Grogan?
Hadn’t ye nothin’ in your own hand?”

“Only Mrs. Murphy’s ass,” said Grogan. “It’s a beautiful thing in
itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.”

Two nuns decide they’re going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they’ve finally got to head back to the convent.To enter the convent’s grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.As they’re crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, “I feel like a Marine.”The second replies, “Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?”

Un hombre se encuentra a un negro y le pregunta:

“Oye, �c�mo le hac�is los negros para follar tan bien?”

“Pues es muy f�cil: la metes r�pido, la sacas lento; la metes r�pido, la sacas lento; la metes r�pido, la sacas lento…”

Total, llega la noche y el hombre hace el amor con su mujer. La mete r�pido, la saca lento; la mete r�pido, la saca lento; la mete r�pido, la saca lento… Hasta que la mujer, complaciente, le suelta:

“�Cari�o, follas como un negro!”

On Newsweek’s story about U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay flushing a copy of the Koran down the toilet

The White House is still very upset about this. They said Newsweek should have retracted the story as soon they found out they got its facts wrong.

If we pulled back every time we got our facts wrong, we wouldn’t even be in Iraq.

-Jay Leno

A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

“Are you the owner?” she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” he replies. I’m just the manager.”

“Can you get him for me? – I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t”, breathes the manager – clearly aroused, “he’s in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message.” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him” she says – “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!”