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Le dice Venancia a su esposo:
“Manolo, te tengo dos noticias, una buena y una mala. La buena es que voy a tener un hijo, la mala es que no es tuyo, es de tu amigo Pepe.”
Manolo se queda callado un instante y finalmente le responde:
“Pues no hay problema, �no le decimos nada y nos quedamos con �l!
One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and
relax. On his way to the lake, a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on
the side of the highway gestures for him to stop.
The first guy rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?”
With a smile in his face, the first guy hands a sandwich to the guy in red and
drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy
is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.
A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and says, “What can I
do for you?”
“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can of Coke and stomps
on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before
sunset, he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road, this one
dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to
stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the
blue jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna have?”
“Driver’s license and registration, please.”
Juan y Mar�a han sido novios desde la secundaria pero nunca han hecho el amor.
“Tenemos que esperar a que nos casemos,” sugiere la chica.
As� que �l espera. Tienen 3 a�os de compromiso y, finalmente, el gran d�a llega. Pero, en la noche de bodas Mar�a sale del ba�o y le informa:
“Malas noticias: tengo la menstruaci�n y no quiero que nuestra primera vez est� manchada de sangre”.
“Est�s bromeando”, dice Juan esperanzado.
“Tendremos que esperar un poco m�s”.
Y Mar�a se va a dormir. Se despierta a las 3 de la madrugada para beber algo; de regreso a la cama advierte que Juan est� con los ojos totalmente abiertos mirando al techo.
“Eso no sirve de nada, Juan, es mejor que te duermas”.
“Lo har�a, pero mi pene est� tan erecto que no queda piel suficiente para que pueda cerrar los ojos”.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!
Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one!
Baptists: only trouble is, they don’t hold them under long enough.
A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
Men’s brains are like the prison system – not enough cells.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
You have a right to your opinions. I just don’t want to hear them.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Van dos borrachos por la calle y dice uno:
“�Apostamos a que la primera palabra que dir� mi mujer, cuando me vea, ser� amorcito?”
“�C�mo puede ser? M�rate, est�s borracho, sucio…”
“No importa. �Apostamos un litro de whisky?”
“Pero yo conozco a tu mujer, es una fiera”.
“No importa. �Apostamos?”
“Est� bien, apostamos”.
Llegan a la casa del hombre y tocan la puerta:
“�Qui�n es?”, pregunta la mujer detr�s de la puerta.
“�Soy yo, mi amorcito!”
“�Amorcito? �Que te mueras, perro!”
Q) How to make an Italian stop talking?
A) By tying their hands behind their backs.
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the milkman.
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the
American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant
firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on
the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management
structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem.”
Iba un jorobado con una borrachera del 15, calle abajo cantando la canci�n:
“Madresita del alma querida, en mi pecho llevo una flor.”
Y le grita una vecina de la ventana:
“�Y atr�s que llevas? �La maceta?”
What’s the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion?
In a crucifixion they throw out the whole Jew.
La familia del peque�o Jacob se mud� a un peque�o pueblo donde la �nica escuela que hab�a era cat�lica. La directora, una monjita, le dijo al ni�o que antes de admitirlo le pondr�a una peque�a prueba acerca de algunos conocimientos fundamentales de la fe cristiana, y le proporcion� un folleto para que lo estudiara.
El peque�o Jacob, a fin de no fallar en el examen, apunt� en el el�stico de su calzoncito ciertos nombres que le eran poco familiares. El d�a del examen le pregunta la religiosa:
“Dime, Jacob, �d�nde naci� Nuestro Se�or?”
El ni�o hizo como que se concentraba, y disimuladamente consult� sus notas.
“En Bel�n”.
“�Muy bien!”, se alegra la madre.
“Y �qui�n fue la madre del Se�or?”
Nueva ojeada de Jacob al el�stico, y su respuesta:
“Mar�a”.
“�Perfecto!”, lo anima la directora. “Ahora dime �qui�n es nuestro Salvador?”
El peque�o Jacob echa una nueva ojeada al sitio de sus apuntes y responde luego:
“Calvin Klein”.
yo mama is so fat the last tiem she saw 90210 was on teh bathroom
scale!~