One day a women walked into a plastic surgens office and
told him she needed a face lift. the plastic surgeon stood up
and grabbed a giant clip out of his cabinet.
“this is my new invention,” he said,”every day pull up the
skin on your face and clip it on the back of your head with this
until your face has the amount of youthfullness you want. do
not clip up too much skin, mind you, or you will have some
difficulties.”
“Oh thank you!” the woman said as she payed for her face
lift clip.
two weeks later the plastic sergeon received a call.
“Hello? docter?”it was the woman.
“Why hello there Mrs.Clampton! how is the clip working out
for you? have you called to praise me about my genious?”
“Well not exactly…”
“What’s wrong?”
“Well,”started the woman,”it was all going great for the
first couple of days,but now…”
“Go on…”urged the docter.
“Well, I can’t see now because my breasts are where my eyes
are supposed to be,and i’m not too sure about this go-t.”
Category: other
Q. What’s the difference between white fairy…
Q. What’s the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A. White fairy tales starts, “Once upon a time….”. Black fairy tales starts,
“Yo, you motherfuckers ain’t gonna believe this shit…..”
Un �rabe atraviesa el desierto
Un �rabe atraviesa el desierto montado en su camello. Despu�s de tantos d�as viajando ya quer�a tener sexo. Por lo que a cada rato mira hacia atr�s, para ver el trasero del camello y profiere:
“Mmmm, me tengo que coger a ese camello”.
Un rato despu�s, vuelve a mirar el trasero del camello y exclama:
“Mmmm, ahorita me lo voy a coger”.
Pero no lo hizo, y a los 5 minutos insiste:
“�Ya no me aguanto m�s, carajo!”
Se baja del camello y lo empieza a abrir de patas. El camello no se deja y, despu�s de tanto luchar para abrirlo de patas, el �rabe qued� rendido.
Casualmente, pasa por ah� una rubia de ojos azules en su coche �ltimo modelo. De improviso, el coche tiene una falla mec�nica y la mujer tiene que detenerse. Se acerca al moro y le ofrece que si �l pudiese componer su coche, a cambio ella har�a lo que �l quiera.
El �rabe responde que s� y, al poco tiempo, deja el coche como nuevo. Entonces, la dama se acerca a �l y le dice:
“Ahora s�, har� lo que t� quieras”.
Contento, el morisco responde: “�Lo que yo quiera?”
“�S�, s�, lo que t� quieras!”
“Pero, �est�s segura?”, insiste el beduino.
“�Claro que estoy segura!”
“Entonces, �ay�dame a abrir de patas al camello!”
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed…
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this
afternoon in central Poland. Polish Search and Rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues
into the evening
Cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.’Well,’ said the cat, ‘I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”Say no more,’ says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.’All our life,’ the mice say, ‘we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run any more.’God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, ‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?”Never been happier,’ says the cat, stretching and yawning. ‘And those meals on wheels you’ve been sending over are great.’
En un bus a la
En un bus a la hora que va m�s lleno, la gente va como sardinas en lata y una chica le dice a un tipo:
“Por favor, �se podr�a apartar un poco? Tiene usted algo duro dentro del pantal�n que me est� apretando el muslo.”
“Oh, perd�n, es que llevo el sobre con mi paga…” Y la chica le contesta:
“Usted debe tener un trabajo muy bueno, porque le han aumentado el sueldo como tres veces desde la �ltima parada.”
Baseball heaven
Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible.
They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.
Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service.
Then the phone rang it was Earl.
Earl said,”Bob is this you”
Bob said,”Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?”
Earl said,”Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
Bob said, “Whats the good news?”
Earl said, “Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great”
Bob said, “Then what’s the bad news?”
Earl said, “Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!”
Pilot in Hell
A pilot crashes during a flight and goes to hell. There Satan
appears in front of three doors and says, “You can choose
between any of these doors as your eternal fate. I’ll be back
once you’ve decided.” He goes away in a puff of smoke.
In the first door, the pilot sees a man having to do tons of
pre-flight checks for all eternity. He shudders and looks
through the second door, which depicts a pilot out of fuel and
going down, but just microseconds before he hits the ground, he
has to relive the scene over and over again. He shudders and
looks through Door #3, and he likes what he sees. It’s a pilot
leaning back in a reclining seat being fed grapes and figs and
what not and being slowly massaged by stewardesses in skimpy
lingerie.
Satan comes back and says, “Well, which one will it be?” The
pilot enthusiastically repeats, “Door #3! Door #3!!!” Satan
says, “You can’t choose that one. That’s flight attendant hell.”
Religious
Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Ya know,
since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at
church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them
away. Another said, “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.” The third
said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen
one back since!”
Atheist Riddle
What does an atheist say when she’s having an orgasm?”Darwin! Oh, Darwin!”
Culture Shock
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference
between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he’s heard that
people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they’re going to fit in, they better eat
dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two ‘dogs.’
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
“What part did you get?”
En M�xico, la pereza (fiaca,
En M�xico, la pereza (fiaca, flojera, ganduler�a, indolencia) es conocida como hueva, y el que la cultiva huev�n.
Reflexiones m�dicas y f�sico – matem�ticas sobre la hueva
La hueva no se crea ni se destruye solo se transmite.
La hueva es una energ�a que no se transforma en trabajo, pero el trabajo si se transforma en hueva.
La hueva es inversamente proporcional al trabajo y directamente proporcional a todo lo dem�s.
La hueva produce calor y viceversa.
La hueva siempre es absoluta, jam�s es relativa.
La hueva no tiene limite.
La hueva es asintom�tica.
La hueva es no-decreciente.
La hueva en un grupo de personas tiende al equilibrio.
La hueva es una enfermedad contagiosa y progresiva, pero nadie se ha muerto de hueva.
La hueva siempre produce m�s hueva y se reproduce exponencialmente.
La hueva nace, crece, se reproduce, pero no muere: es eterna, atemporal y adimensional.
El d�a de la semana dedicada a la hueva es el ‘hueves’.
Por cierto, ya me dio hueva.