Category: other

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to Mike.Mike, being a more than a little drunk rolls around, leans over, and “Splat! ” He pukes all over the dog. He looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, “I don’t remember eating that!”

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Plato: for the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was historical inevitability.
Douglass Adams: 42.
Oliver North: National security was at stake.
Darwin: It was the next logical step after coming down from the trees. Earnest
Hemmingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: It was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tonnes of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Regan: I forget.
Jack Nicholson: ‘Cause it f—–g wanted to. That’s the f—-g reason. Mark
Twain: The news of it’s crossing has been greatly exagerated.
Mr T: If you saw me coming, you’d cross the road too.

What’s the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re fourteen.

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person’s smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.”Twice a day,” the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.”Once a day, then?” Again the answer was no.”Twice a week?” “No.” “Twice a month?” “No.” When the doctor asked, “Once a year?” the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, “What the heck are you so happy about?” The man answered, “TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!”

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands….

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

“You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded.
“You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve!

What’s 69 and 69?

Dinner for four.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother “Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy’s thingies go in?””Yes,” replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn’t have to explain.”Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?”

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

“Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ‘Mighty Storm’?”

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

“Why is my sister named ‘Cornflower’?”

“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called ‘Moonchild’?”

“We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived.”

“Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

OR………….

The young indian boy approached his father and asked “Father, how do we get our names?”

The father replied, “each teepee can use any method. I walk out on the morning of the child’s birth and name them after the first living thing I see. That’s why your older brother is named Running Bear. On your sister’s birth, I saw a small fawn and named her Little Fawn. But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”

Four friends went on a fishing trip. After not catching anything that day the men resorted to boasting. The Russian took out a bottle of the finest vodka and poured it into the water boasting, “In Russia vodka

is so plentiful, we can throw it away”.

The Swiss man not wanting to be outdone immediately took of his Rolex and threw it into the water

boasting, “In Switzerland, watches are so cheap we can throw them away.”

The American thought for a while before tossing the Mexican in the water.

Say this to your friend.

There are these two men in a car. Then they come up to a red light and stop. Then one of them says that light is going to turn green in 3 seconds. Then count to 3, 1, 2, 3, and the light turns green. Then the guy says how did you know that. The other guy says gay fags know everything.

Then they stop at another light and the guy says a bum will pop out of a trash can. Then they wait for a seconds and a bum pops out. Then the guy says how did you know that. The other guy says gay fags know everything.

Then say they pull up to a party and ring the _________ and if they say doorbell, then say gay fags know everything.

Why do women have legs?
So they can get from the bedroom to the kitchen!