Category: other

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as
he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a
sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and
at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to
scream, and we’re gonna get killed!

Tips for Managers and Bosses

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better,
hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which
is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them
down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use
confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like
the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check
you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals
SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a
cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.

an agent is in a bathroom and his cellphone rings while he is on the toilet. and the guy on the other phone line tells him about agent #2. so the agent on the toilet yells who does #2 work for over and over. so everyone in the bathroom leaves.

What do you call two Mexican in a shoe box?

A pair of brown loafers.

one day 3 men where camping out, in the morning the guy on the left said” i had a dream some1 touched my willy”, then the guy on the right said “so did i” and the guy who was sleeping in the middle said” thats funny i had a dream i was sking”

He who inherits riches shall never know the joy
of toiling endlessly for his daily bread.

A black guy and a puerto rican guy are both in a car…who’s driving?

A Cop!!!

What’s 69 and 69?

Dinner for four.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother “Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy’s thingies go in?””Yes,” replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject had finally come up and she didn’t have to explain.”Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?”

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

“Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named ‘Mighty Storm’?”

“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

“Why is my sister named ‘Cornflower’?”

“Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called ‘Moonchild’?”

“We were watching the moonlanding while she was conceived.”

“Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

OR………….

The young indian boy approached his father and asked “Father, how do we get our names?”

The father replied, “each teepee can use any method. I walk out on the morning of the child’s birth and name them after the first living thing I see. That’s why your older brother is named Running Bear. On your sister’s birth, I saw a small fawn and named her Little Fawn. But why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?”

A large, menacing construction worker walks into a bar. He orders a beer,
chugs it back, and then bellows, “All you guys on this side of the bar are
cock suckers!” A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, “Anyone
got a problem with that?” The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, “And all you guys on this side
of the bar are mother fuckers!” Once again, the bar is silent. He looks
around belligerently and roars, “Anyone got a problem with that?”

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards
the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says,
“You got a problem, buddy?”

“Um, no,” insists the man. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”