A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?”The big guy says, “I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down.”His friend says, “You know, that don’t sound too bad.”The big guy says, “Well, it’s kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to.”
Category: other
Work Excuses
Need an excuse for not going to work?
Please fell free to use any of the excuses listed below.
And Employers, please stay out of here. We don’t need you knowing how we came up with our latest excuse!
– I won’t be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.
– My neighbor’s daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.
– I won’t be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.
– I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.
– I don’t think I’ll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son’s BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I’m in the hospital.
– I won’t be in today. I’m still drunk from last night.
– I’m not coming in because I need a mental day.
– My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can’t make it in.
– My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.
– My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.
– Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!
– I cant come to work today because the city is paving my street and I cant get out!
Goldstein rents room
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. “Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”
“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.” Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
“What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein. “Now there’s a room.”
“Not so fast, madame. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”
“Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.”
“I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?”
“Jesus, Son of Mary.”
“Where was he born?”
“In a stable.”
“And why was he born in a stable?”
“Because a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel.”
Como siempre, en la comida
Como siempre, en la comida del domingo estaba el abuelo reunido con toda su descendencia. Al terminar los alimentos, ya en la sobremesa, sus nietos le pidieron que contara una de sus an�cdotas y �ste acept�:
“Les contar�… Estaba yo en la selva tratando de cazar alguna fiera; en eso, me abro paso entre la maleza y, de repente, me encuentro con un le�n cerca de m�, tan cerca, que sent�a yo sus pelos en la cara…”
En eso, suena el tel�fono. El viejo se levanta a contestar:
“S�, claro, nos vemos ma�ana, adi�s”. Y cuelga.
Al regresar a la mesa les pregunta a sus nietecitos:
“�En qu� me qued�?”
“En que ten�as los pelos en la cara, abuelo”, responden a coro los nietos.
“�Ah, s�!”, responde el anciano y prosigue:
“Y entonces que le agarro su cinturita…”
Interview Mistakes
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; ‘Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.’
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: ‘The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?’
After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, ‘Of course I was totally hammered at the time.’
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for ‘2000 Flushes’.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during the interview.
Walk into interviewer’s office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; ‘NOW we can begin.’
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; ‘smell these, these smell funny to you???’
Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
Al llegar a su casa,
Al llegar a su casa, una mujer de 60 a�os escucha ruidos extra�os en una de las rec�maras. Abre la puerta y descubre a su hija de 40 a�os usando un vibrador.
“�Qu� est�s haciendo?”, pregunta sorprendida la madre.
“Mam�, tengo 40 a�os y m�rame, soy fea, nunca me casar�, as� que esto es m�s o menos mi esposo”.
La madre sale de la habitaci�n moviendo la cabeza. Al otro d�a, el padre entra a su casa y escucha ruidos en el cuarto e inmediatamente entra, encontrando a su hija usando el vibrador.
“�Qu� diablos est�s haciendo?”, pregunta ofendido el hombre.
Su hija replica:
“Ya le dije a mam�. Tengo 40 a�os y soy fea. Nunca me casar� y esto es lo m�s cercano a un hombre… Como si alguna vez hubiese tenido esposo”.
El padre sale de la habitaci�n moviendo la cabeza. Al otro d�a, la madre llega a casa y encuentra a su esposo con una cerveza en una mano y el vibrador en la otra viendo el ESPN en la TV.
“�Qu� est�s haciendo?”, grita ella.
“�Qu� parece que estoy haciendo? �Estoy aqu� sentado, tomando una cerveza y viendo el juego con mi yerno!”
Yo mama’s So Stupid
Yo’ mama so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other
side.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good…
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Una chica muy bonita se
Una chica muy bonita se presenta en un consultorio dental; la recepcionista la hace pasar con el estomat�logo. Luego de sentarse en el sill�n �ste le pregunta:
“�En qu� le puedo servir?”
La muchacha se sube la falda; se baja las pantaletas ;se vuelve a sentar y abre las piernas. At�nito, el facultativo sugiere:
“Se�orita, creo que usted con quien quiere pasar es con el ginec�logo”.
“�No, se�or, lo que yo quiero es que me saque la placa que un viejito me dej� trabada”.
Un padre de Tontilandia env�a
Un padre de Tontilandia env�a a su hijo a estudiar al extranjero y al paso del tiempo le escribe el siguiente telegrama:
“Hijo, te extra�o mucho, dime que prefieres: �que yo vaya a visitarte o vienes tu a casa?”
A la semana el hijo le responde: “Si.”
El padre env�a otro telegrama y le pregunta: “Si… �qu�?”
Dos semanas m�s tarde, el hijo vuelve a responder: “S�, padre.”
The Scott’s Pocket Watch
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an
expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.
“That’s a fine watch you got there!” says the other.
“Yeah it is, isn’t it? I got it from my grandfather,” says the guy with the
watch.
“Really?”
“Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed.”
A bear and a Rabbit
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods…the bear turns to the rabbit and says “rabbit do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?” …The rabbit says “no”…so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!!!!…lol