Category: other

Two Jews are out for a walk when they pass a Catholic Church with a sign out front that says “Today Only, $1000.00 If You Convert!”

They argue back and forth until they finally decide which one is going to go in and give it a try.

He steps in the church while his friend waits outside. The fellow is in there for hours with his buddy patiently waiting. Finally, he returns.

His friend says “Well what happened? Did you convert? Did you get the money? Show me the money!”

The other fellow says “Is that all you people think about?”

Submitted by Tbone
Edited by Yisman

Un granjero demand� a una empresa de buses por las lesiones que sufri� en un accidente. En el juicio, el abogado de la empresa le pregunta:

“�Acaso no le dijo usted ‘estoy muy bien’ al polic�a que lo auxili�?”

“D�jeme explicarle lo que pas�. Yo llevaba a mi yegua en el plat�n de la camioneta…”

“�No le ped� detalles! Lim�tese a responder la pregunta: �le dijo usted, s� o no, que estaba muy bien al polic�a que le ayud�?”

“Como le ven�a diciendo, llevaba a mi yegua en el plat�n de la camioneta y de pronto apareci� un bus de su empresa…”

“�Se�or juez, estoy tratando de demostrar que esta persona le dijo que estaba muy bien a un polic�a, inmediatamente despu�s del accidente! Ahora, despu�s de varias semanas, �l demanda a mi cliente y eso se llama fraude. �Por favor, d�gale que responda la pregunta!”

El juez le explica al abogado que est� interesado en escuchar la historia del granjero y le pide a este que contin�e:

“Pues yo llevaba a mi yegua en el plat�n de la camioneta y de pronto, en un cruce, me top� con un bus que se comi� la se�al de Pare y me estrell� de lado. Yo qued� paralizado por el golpe y la impresi�n, pero escuchaba que mi yegua gem�a como loca, presa del dolor. Unos minutos despu�s, lleg� la patrulla de polic�a y un agente se baj� alarmado por los gemidos de mi yegua. El polic�a la examin� y finalmente sac� su arma y le peg� un tiro en medio de los ojos. Luego, vino hasta m� y me dijo: su yegua estaba muy mal y tuve que pegarle un tiro para que no sufriera. �Usted c�mo se siente?”

Iban dos compadres por la calle y uno le dice al otro:

“Oye, tengo ganas de salir con Madonna otra vez”.

“�C�mo que otra vez?”, le pregunta, sorprendido, el otro.

“Es que ayer tambi�n tuve ganas”.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot’s ear, and made his way on again.This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear…”I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here.”

How do you get a nun pregnant?

– Dress her up as an altar boy.

Se encontraba un abuelito dispuesto a ba�arse cuanto se quit� la toalla se dio cuenta que su pene se encontraba erecto y dijo:

!Milagro, Milagro!” y comenz� a masturbarse.

Despu�s te 45 minutos el viejo se emocion� por que estaba llegando, entonces se sac� la chapa(dentadura) se la puso en el cuello, y empez� a decir:

“�Mu�rdeme, mi amor, mu�rdeme!”

Una pareja se da un profundo beso. El hombre, meloso, le susurra a la mujer:

“Mi amor, tus besos me saben a fresa”.

“Ay, mi vida, los tuyos me saben a mantequilla”, responde arrobada.

“�No joda, me est� brotando pus de la muela otra vez!”

old king cole was a merry old soul
and a merry old soul was he
cos he had a dick that was three inches thick
and it hung down to his knee

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough air points.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all things about how they make money.

Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

‘Pretty much the way you do,’ responds the Martian woman.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the Martian strips.
He’s got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm long and 1 cm thick.

`I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen.

‘Why?’ he asks, ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Well.’ she replies. ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks Maureen, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replies. ‘All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a
package on the counter, and loudly expressed her
dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, “What’s the problem? Wouldn’t
your cat eat them?” The woman’s eyes got very large, and
whispered, “Do you mean to tell me that ‘Pussy Treats’ are meant
for cats?”