Category: other

An orderly room clerk had to work late one evening to clear up a backlog of filing. By the time he had finished it, the office clock stood at 9:35 pm and he realised that he had missed his evening meal. Just as he was about to lock up, the telephone rang.Angrily, the soldier grabbed the receiver and said, “What do you want at this time of night? Don’t you know what time it is?””Do you know who I am?” said the voice at the other end.”No,” said the clerk.”Go on – surprise me!””I am Colonel Bull, the camp commandant!””And do you know who I am?” asked the clerk.”No, I don’t.””Thank Goodness for that.”

A Polish guy went out hunting one day. The day was going by so
slow that he was excited to come upon a gorgeous blonde girl sun
bathing nude out in the middle of a field.

She looks at him in a way that suggests that a little play is in
store. He walks up to her real slow and asks in a real timid
voice, “are you game?” She looks around, lays back, and says in
a real sexy voice “sure am”…so he shot her.

theres a black guy white guy and a mexican guy there all in jail for shutting down there phone services. (black guys cricket and sprocket white guys local and the mexican is all cellz)anyway, there is a door with a $ sign on it in each of there rooms they lead to the same place, a room with 1000000$ to get them all out and 2 buy wuteva thay wanna buy. thay dare each other to go in there. the white guy sez ‘ill go 1st wussies’ so he walks in there a ghost pops up and sez ‘im the ghost of cassadoom take this money youll go boom’ so he runs out and tries 2 4get about it. the mexican guy sez ‘ ill go now that white guy iz a wus’ tha same thing happens. the black guy dont say nothin, he just walks in there the ghost pops up and sez im the ghost of cassadoom__ the black guy interupts and sez im the king of cricket and sprocket this moneys goin in my back pocket!

Your so ugly and nerdy that whenever you get your ass kicked and wind up on the floor, even it rejects you!

Mr. Briggs spent the night in his secretary�s apartment. He woke up at three in the morning.”My God!” he shouted, “My wife is going to kill me!” Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife.”Honey!” he began, “Don�t pay the ransom. I escaped!”

Dos maricas se detienen a la orilla de la carretera y uno de ellos penetra entre los arbustos con el fin de evacuar.

Despu�s de un rato, el sarasa regresa todo p�lido y afligido.

“�Pero qu� te pas�?”, le pregunta alarmado su compa�ero.

“Abort�”, responde compungido el afeminado.

“�Ay, tonta, no me espantes! �Nosotras no abortamos!”

“S�, ven, acomp��ame. �Mira sus manitas, mira sus ojitos…!”

“�Est�pida! �Te cagaste en un sapo!”

A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might aswell go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS.The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline thenext day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmerfor ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where itcould run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.The Bishop was buried the next day.

It’s Saturday morning and John’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. “Hello?” says a little girl’s voice. “Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says John.”Is Mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.” After a brief pause, John says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Fred, honey!” “Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!” “Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.” “Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.”Well, I did what you said, Daddy.” “And what happened?” “Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.” “Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?” “He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.” There is a long pause. “Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”

Una se�ora tuvo un hijo y le dijo a la enfermera, “Se�ora, puedo ver a mi beb�.”

Le dice la enfermera, “Pero su hijo no tiene piernas.”

“No importa, d�jemelo ver.”

“Pero su hijo no tiene brazos.”

“No importa, d�jemelo ver.”

“Pero su hijo no tiene cuerpo.”

“No importa, d�jemelo ver.”

Entonces se fue la enfermera por el beb� y le trae una oreja a la mam� y la mam� dice, “Mi amor de los corazones.”

Y le dice la enfermera, “H�blele m�s duro que es un poco sordo…”

An Irish firing squad stands in a circle facing inwards.

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining
and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the
doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?

D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH??

D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! –A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank
Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid!