Un cura tuvo que pasar

Un cura tuvo que pasar la noche en un hotel. Despu�s de estar un rato en su habitaci�n, habl� a la recepci�n y le pidi� a la muchacha del guardarropa que subiera a cenar con �l. Cuando estaban cenando, el cura empez� a hacerle insinuaciones a la muchacha, hasta que ella lo detuvo y le record� que era un sacerdote.

“No hay problema,” dijo �l, “est� escrito en la Biblia.”

Despu�s de una noche de sexo apasionado, la chica del guardarropa le pregunt� d�nde dec�a en la Biblia que estaba bien tener sexo de esa manera.

El cura tom� la Biblia que estaba sobre la mesa, y la abri� en la primera p�gina donde alguien hab�a escrito a l�piz:

“La chica del guardarropa es una putilla.”

Good Things to Say When You’re Stressed at Work

Good Things to Say When You’re Stressed at work:

1. “Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!”

2. “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing?!”

3. “Well this day was a total waste of make-up”

4. “Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine?”

5. “Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.”

6. “Do I look like a fucking people person!”

7. “This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting”

8. “I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.”

9. “Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.”

10. “Do they ever shut up on your planet?”

11. “I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable”

12. “Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.”

13. “Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.”

14. “Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.”

15. “Wait… I’m trying to imagine you with a personality”

16. “Chaos, panic and disorder… my work here is done.”

17. “You look like sh!t. Is that the style now?”

18. “A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.”

19. “You are depriving some village of an idiot.”

20. “If assholes could fly, this place would be a fuckin airport.

Passing Football

A jumbo-sized freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said, “Hell yah, get a load of this!” And with that knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied, “Hell yah!” and he sprinted from endzone to endzone like lightning.The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said, “But can you pass a football?”The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said, “Hell yah, if I can swallow it, I can surely pass it!”

I’m moving out

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says,”What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!”

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies… “I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo

The Lord Will Save Me

It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so
high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As
the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him
to get in. “No thank you, the Lord will save me!” he said, and the man in the
rowboat rowed away.

The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof
until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. “No thank you,
the Lord will save me!” he said again, and the man rowed away.

The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as
the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get
in or he’ll drown. “No thank you,” the man said again, “The Lord will save me!”

After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew
away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven
where he met God.

“Lord, I don’t understand,” he told Him, frustrated, “The waters rose higher
and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn’t! Why?”

The Lord just shook his head and said, “What are you talking about? I sent two
boats and a helicopter?!”

Old Man Hot Mama

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. “Don’t you remember what I told you the other day?” he inquired.

“Oh, I surely do.” the old gent replied, “Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I’m cheerful”

The Top 13 International Ways to Leave Your Lover

13> Kick her in the rear, Vladamir.

12> Put the pedal to the metal, Gretel.

11> Fire up the Jaguar, Dagmar.

10> Tell her to shave her armpit hair, Pierre.

9> Put on her underpants, Hans.

8> Blow up her car, Moammar.

7> Complain about her cous-cous, Boutros-Boutros.

6> Push him in the Yangtze, Xiao Li.

5> Lock her in the john, Juan.

4> Ditch her at the Kabuki, Teruyuki.

3> Knock up another chick, Mick.

2> Tell her you’re gay, Jose.

1> Just show her that sore, Thor.

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