Category: other

One day a little red man was taking a little red shower in his little red house.

He looked out the window and saw the milk van drive past without leaving any milk.

So the little red man turned off the shower and put a towel around himself.

He than began to run after the van.

After a while he came to a T intersection, where he couldn’t find the van.

All of a sudden a dog came past and stole his towel.

An old lady saw this little red man standing naked in the middle of the road.

So she left the house and when she was walking on the road a car hit her and killed her.

The moral of this story is: Don’t cross the road when the little red man is flashing!

how do you confuse a female archeologist?

give her a tampon and ask her what period its from!

Things not to say in bed!

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. Can you please try breathing through your nose?

6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

7. Darling, did you lock the back door?

8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash.

9. person 1: This is your first time…right? person 2: It is……. today

10. Can you pass me the remote control?

11. Do you accept Visa?

12. On second thoughts, let’s turn off the lights.

13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.

14. So much for mouth-to-mouth

15. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…

16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you’?

17. But I just brushed my teeth…

18. Smile, you’re on candid camera!

19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!

20. I want a baby!

21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!

22. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

24. When is this supposed to feel good?

25. Did I remember to take my pill?

26. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?

29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

30. No, really.. I do this part better myself.

31. This would be more fun with a few more people.

32. You’re almost as good as my ex!

33. You look younger than you feel.

34. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.

35. Now I know why she dumped you…

36. Does your husband own a sawn off shot-gun?

37. Have you ever considered liposuction?

38. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

39. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

40. I’ll tell you I’m fantasizing about if you tell me who you’re fantasizing about..

41. Does this count as a date?

42. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?

42. When would you like to meet my parents?

43. Have you seen “fatal attraction”?

44. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not to good with names.

45. Don’t mind me… I always file my nails in bed.

46. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a doberman.

47. Sorry but I don’t do toes.

48. You could at least act like you’re enjoying it!

49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper.

50. I’ve slept with more women than Casanova!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman and Curtis

Eve really wanted 2 become really popular so she went to church 2 go speak 2 god. when she got there she told god tht she wanted to be popular. God sed answer the nxt 3 questions and all ur wishes will come true.God- Question 1: Wot is ur name? Eve- Thts easy y its eve! God- CorrectGod- Question 2:Who do u really adore? Eve- Adam! god- Correct#God- Now 4 the final question u have to think very hard 4 it! God- Question 3: Wot was the first thing u sed to Adam? Eve- ummmmm…….. Thts a hard 1 God- CorrectUR NXT 30 WISHES COME TRUE NOW THINK WISELY B4 U USE THEM ALL!!!

December 15th..

3 alter boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles…. they have their penis’ in a snowbank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, boys! boys! Whatever are you doing… you’re going to catch pnuemonia… put your penis’ away…

The tallest alter boy turns around and yells… Sister Margaret, don’t worry, we know what we’re doing…. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work.

Two cannibals are sitting down to eat a great big fat guy that they had just killed, and they are discussing who gets to eat what.

So they decide that one will start at his head, and the other at his toes.

So they are eating away and one cannibal says to the other, “Hey man this guy is delicious, isn’t this great?”

And the other cannibal says, “Yeah, this is excellent, I am having a ball!”

And the first cannibal yells back, “Slow down! You’re eating too fast!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and yisman

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, “An ‘R’! They left out the ‘R’.”

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’ … the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!”

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was instructed to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician…

“I can cure pneumonia!”

Dos muchachas iban a la escuela y ten�an que pasar por un tianguis donde estaba un �rabe sentado vendiendo cosas. Las dos jovenes pasaron frente a el y el arabe les pregunta, con su acento �rabe:

“�Ustedes dos son hermanas?”

Y una de ellas le responde: “No, se�or.”

Al d�a siguiente pasaron de nuevo y el �rabe les vuelve a preguntar: “�Ustedes dos son hermanas?” y una le responde: “No, se�or.”

Al siguiente d�a volvieron a pasar y el �rabe les pregunta: “�Ustedes dos son hermanas?” y la otra joven le responde: “�Qu� no, se�or!”.

Al d�a siguiente antes de pasar una le dice a la otra: “Si nos vuelve a preguntar le diremos que somos hermanas por que ya me enfad�.”

Pasaron y el �rabe les pregunta: “�Ustedes dos son hermanas?”

Y le contesta la joven: “Si, se�or, si somos hermanas.”

Y el arabe les responde: “�Pues no se parecen!”

A woman went to her plastic surgeon and asked him about what she should do about the saggy skin on her face. HE told her that he would put a nob in the back of her head that would tighten her skin if she turned it. He warned her of the consequences of using the nob to much. She agrred and had the surgery. Weeks passed and she went back to visit the surgeon with another problem.”Doctor,” she said.”What should i do about the bags under my eyes?” “Those aren’t bags under eyes those are your boobs!” replied the doctor.”Oh,” she said.”Well then i guess that would explain the Gotee!”

Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the
football game to begin. A friend walked over, said, “Hello Henry,” gave Henry’s
wife’s breast a little squeeze and walked away.
A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, “Hello Henry,” then, he
too, fondled his wife’s breasts and walked on.

This strange sequence of events went on for some time.

Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, “Listen pal, It’s none of my
business, but isn’t it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said
hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? What’s the story?”

Henry looked at him and moaned, ” What can I do? If I leave her at home, she
sleeps with everybody!”

Leroy is an 18 year old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly
disillusioned with the public school system. One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence. Here’s what he wrote.

1. HOTEL – I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.

2. RECTUM – I had two Cadillacs, but my ol’ lady RECTUM both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT – My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.

4. FORECLOSE – If I pay alimony this month, I’ll have no money FORCLOSE.

5. CATACOMB – Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB.

6. PENIS – I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.

7. ISRAEL – Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.

8. UNDERMINE – There is a fine lookin’ hoe livin’ in the apartment UNDERMINE.

9. TRIPOLI – I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn’t find no TRIPOLI.

10. STAIN – My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

11. SELDOM – My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.

12. ODYSSEY – I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.

13. HORDE – My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.

14. INCOME – I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.

15. HONOR – At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first?

16. FORTIFY – I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.