Category: other

Tres mujeres mueren y llegan a las puertas del cielo donde las recibe San Pedro. San Pedro se dirige a la primera de las mujeres:

“A ver hija, �ning�n pecado en tu vida?” “No, San Pedrito.” “�Nunca le fuiste infiel a tu marido?” “No, nunca.” “�Ni con el pensamiento?” “Nunca, ni con el pensamiento.” “Bueno, entonces toma: las llaves del cielo.” “Gracias San Pedrito, gracias.”

San Pedro se dirige ahora a la segunda mujer:

“Y tu, hija m�a, �le fuiste infiel alguna vez a tu marido?.” “No, nunca.” “�Ni con el pensamiento?.” “Ehhhh, s�, una vez.” “Entonces toma, la llave del purgatorio. La que sigue.”

Entra la tercer mujer. Un cuerpazo, toda pintada, jeans super ajustados y un escote ampl�simo:

“Ehhh… Este… ehhh… mmm, dime, hija m�a, �y t�?” “Mira San Pedrito, la verdad es que yo s� me met� con todos los que pude: con el panadero, el lechero, el jardinero, el polic�a de la esquina, el sobrino de mi esposo, el cu�ado, el jefe, 3 de sus amigos…”

San Pedro la interrumpe: “Ya hija, suficiente, toma, la llave de mi cuarto.”

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

Yo’ mama so fat, that when she wears a yellow rain jacket, people think she’s
a taxi cab.

A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane. Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed, the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks. When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by, the businessman ordered a double scotch. Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink. ”Oh, no thank you,” replied the priest. ”I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol.” Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front, the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied, ”Excuse me, miss, I didn’t know I had a choice.”

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.

The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that ight that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfies turn. He said, “I’m afraid of needles and the electric chair won’t work so I pick hanging.”

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

“Momma, look what I found”, the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s suit!!!!!”

One day 3 guys were exploring the edge of a waterfall from one side. They were walking along and then one of them finds a dirty bottle. He rubs it and out pops a Genie! The Genie then says, “You may each jump off this waterfall cliff, name any object, and you will land in it!” So the first guy runs off and says “Money!” and he lands in a huge pile of money. The next guy runs off and yells “Gems!” and he lands in a huge pile of gems (he was later rushed to the hospital.) The last guy is running toward the edge, when he trips over a rock and falls off anyway, when he yells, “AWW, CRAP!”

What is foreplay for a Jewish American Princess?

Thirty minutes of begging.

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a
secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a
group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed
to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in
the neighborhood, but little old Grandma? The young girl became frantic. Sure
enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously,” What are
you lining up for dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the
young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was
lining up for some. “Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some
myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police
officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he
got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But, you’re so old,
how do you do it?” Grandma replied,” Oh, its quite easy sonny, I just remove my
dentures, and suck ’em dry”.

what do you say when you see a tv floating in the middle of the night? Freeze niger!

After all the recent frivolous lawsuits flying around, suing restaurants for spilling coffee, gun manufacturers for murders, tobacco companies for cancer deaths, etc, it makes sense for there to be a class-action suit against Hustler magazine for causing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

En un cine en el que se iba a presentar un estreno se form� desde temprano una larga cola. Entonces, una viejecita se acerc� a la taquilla y la multitud empez� a gritar:

“�A la cola! �A la cola!”

La anciana se detuvo un momento y la multitud call�, pero al volver a avanzar, la gente empez� a gritar a coro:

“�No se cuele! �A la cola!”

Y as� sucedi� muchas veces hasta que la viejecita, enojada, se alej� refunfu�ando:

“�A ver ahora qui�n les vende los boletos!”