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Un destacado miembro de la Real Academia Espa�ola aprovecha que su mujer estaba de viaje para llevarse a casa a su amante. Pero la esposa regresa antes de lo previsto y entra en la habitaci�n y pilla a su marido en plena faena.
“�Pero qu� haces con esta mujer en la cama? �Estoy sorprendida!”
El acad�mico, sin inmutarse, hace gala de sus conocimientos ling��sticos y le responde:
“No, querida, el sorprendido soy yo. T� est�s asombrada”.
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.”Mam, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road”?The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, “Ma’am… that’s your air freshener.”
Which is cheaper?, beer nuts or deer nuts?
Answer: Beer nuts are usually $1.79 but deer nuts are under a buck.
En una carretera campestre, un matrimonio viaja con su hijo de ocho a�os de edad. Al salir de una curva, el peque�o alcanza a ver un indio con el brazo derecho levantado y sosteniendo con la mano a un tej�n por la cola, que hac�a grandes esfuerzos para soltarse sin lograrlo. Sobre su cabeza se le�a en un letrero mal pintado:
TEJONES A $100.
El chiquillo inmediatamente le pide a su padre que se pare, y el auto se detiene frente al puesto de venta de tejones. El ni�o corre a observar los tejones, mientras el padre y la madre discuten el precio con el indio. De pronto, el ni�o pregunta:
“Disculpe, se�or, �c�mo se cogen los tejones?”
El hombre se le queda viendo; se vuelve a ver a los padres del ni�o y nuevamente al ni�o y, finalmente, contesta:
“Mira ni�o, el tejoncito comienza a corretear a la tejoncita y cuando �sta ya no puede correr m�s, la va acorralando y luego se le acerca por detr�s y le levanta la…”
El padre, al ver que la pregunta de su hijo fue mal interpretada, aclara:
“No, no, se�or, mi hijo se refiere a c�mo se cazan”.
Asombrado, el tipo se le queda viendo al padre y luego al ni�o aclar�ndole:
“No, ni�o, los tejones no son pendejos, ellos no se casan, nom�s se cogen”.
Mar�a y Ponte estudiaron medicina,
Mar�a se recibi� en 2 a�os
y Ponte en cuatro.
Mar�a y Ch�pame sacaron a pasear a la familia.
Mar�a pase� a los grandes
y Ch�pame los pendejos.
Mar�a y Temeto tuvieron un accidente.
Mar�a se cort� el brazo
y Temeto el dedo.
Mar�a y Teacabo fueron al otorrinolaring�logo.
Mar�a ten�a problemas en el o�do
y Teacabo en la garganta.
Mar�a y Telameto fueron a bucear.
Mar�a lleg� a los 50 metros
y Telameto hasta el fondo.
Mar�a y Teacabo tomaron un colectivo.
Mar�a se baj� en Barracas
y Teacabo en la Boca.
Mar�a y Telameto pintaron su casa.
Mar�a la pint� con laca verde
y Telameto en laca chucha.
Mar�a y Telameto se tomaron otro colectivo,
Mar�a se baj� por delante
y Telameto por atr�s.
Mar�a y Telleno se compraron alfajores.
Mar�a compr� de chocolate
y Telleno de leche.
Mar�a y Telameto est�n yendo a un gimnasio.
Mar�a va de vez en cuando;
Telameto, seguido.
Mar�a y Telameto fueron de cacer�a.
Mar�a disparaba mal;
Telameto con punter�a.
Mar�a y Teacabo jugaban al golf.
Mar�a colocaba la pelota en cualquier sitio;
Teacabo en el hoyo.
Mar�a y Telameto fueron al banco.
Mar�a perdi� tiempo en Banelco
y Telameto en la cola.
Mar�a y Teacabo compraron carteras.
Mar�a compr� la m�s barata
y Teacabo la cara.
Mar�a y Telameto tuvieron un accidente.
Mar�a termin� herida
y Telameto muerta.
Mar�a y Telameto fueron a la peluquer�a.
Mar�a se cort� el pelo hasta la cintura
y Telameto hasta la nuca.
Mar�a y Telameto tomaron un taxi.
Mar�a se sent� en el asiento delantero
y Telameto en el trasero.
Mar�a y Telameto jugaron a las escondidas.
Mar�a est� escondi�ndose
y Telameto con los ojos cerrados.
Mar�a y Telameto se fueron de paseo.
Mar�a visit� a su t�o
y Telameto a vos y a tu hermana.
Una pareja de novios est� bes�ndose en el cine; de repente, la chica le reclama al novio:
“�No me pases el chicle, Federico!”
Confundido, el chico se defiende:
“Es que tengo gripa”.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”: We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”: We don’t pay enough to expect that
you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear
earrings.
“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”: You’ll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”: Some time each night and some time
each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”: We have no quality control.
“CAREER-MINDED”: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain
that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the
position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”: We’ve filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”: You’ll
need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”: You’re walking into a company
in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”: You’ll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”: Management communicates, you
listen, figure out what they want and do it.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car’s hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
Male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 & 1/2 min.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.”
“But, madam!”, replied the bellman.
“Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.”
“Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”
Tres mujeres mueren y llegan a las puertas del cielo donde las recibe San Pedro. San Pedro se dirige a la primera de las mujeres:
“A ver hija, �ning�n pecado en tu vida?” “No, San Pedrito.” “�Nunca le fuiste infiel a tu marido?” “No, nunca.” “�Ni con el pensamiento?” “Nunca, ni con el pensamiento.” “Bueno, entonces toma: las llaves del cielo.” “Gracias San Pedrito, gracias.”
San Pedro se dirige ahora a la segunda mujer:
“Y tu, hija m�a, �le fuiste infiel alguna vez a tu marido?.” “No, nunca.” “�Ni con el pensamiento?.” “Ehhhh, s�, una vez.” “Entonces toma, la llave del purgatorio. La que sigue.”
Entra la tercer mujer. Un cuerpazo, toda pintada, jeans super ajustados y un escote ampl�simo:
“Ehhh… Este… ehhh… mmm, dime, hija m�a, �y t�?” “Mira San Pedrito, la verdad es que yo s� me met� con todos los que pude: con el panadero, el lechero, el jardinero, el polic�a de la esquina, el sobrino de mi esposo, el cu�ado, el jefe, 3 de sus amigos…”
San Pedro la interrumpe: “Ya hija, suficiente, toma, la llave de mi cuarto.”
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.
The cowboy said, “Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”
an eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you.”Yes she says : I remember it well”Ok he says ” how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it for old times sake” Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,”I’ve got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. He follows them.They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen,They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about forty minutes’She’s yelling “Ohhhh,God” he’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has leaned somthing about life that he diden’t know.After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,The policeman, still watching thinks, ” That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.”As the couple pass, he says to them, ” That was somthing else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?” No , there’s no secret ” the old man says,” fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”