Category: other

It’s Erev Rosh HaShanah, and services
are about to begin. The synagogue is packed.
As the congregants are milling around,
shmoozing before services, everyone
seems to be distracted by a man who has
brought with him a St. Bernard dog. “What
chutzpah!” an elderly woman whispers
aloud.

Services begin, and everyone is fascinated
by how well the dog behaves.

The next morning, the man and his dog arrive
early and promptly begin dovening . This
time, the dog is wearing its own little tallis and
yarmulke, and even appears, upon closer
inspection, to be shuckling back and forth
as the hazzan intones the prayers. The
congregation is amazed.

The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The
solemn worship service begins. The man
and his dog are back, and this time, just as
the hazzan is about to begin the prayers,
the dog stands up on its hind legs and howls
“Ba-ROOOOOOOCH….! ” more
melodically than the best hazzan.

After the service, everyone is clamoring to
meet this man and his remarkable dog.
Finally the rabbi comes up to him and says,
“That’s one talented pooch you have there.
You know, you should really consider
sending your dog to Rabbinical school.”

The man looks down, shakes his head,
throws up his hands in disgust and says,
“YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!”

Una pareja que tan s�lo llevaba dos semanas de casados sostiene el siguiente di�logo, porque el marido, aunque se sent�a feliz, ya andaba con ganas de irse de parranda, as� que le dice a su mujer:

“Mi vida, ahorita vengo”.

“�Ad�nde vas, cari�o?” (Expresi�n de reci�n casados).

“Al bar mi cielito, a tomarme una cervecita”.

La mujer se lleva la mano a la cintura y le dice:

“�Quiere cervecita, mi amorcito?” Y en eso abre la puerta del frigor�fico y le ense�a 25 marcas de cerveza de 12 pa�ses diferentes: mexicanas, alemanas, holandesas, japonesas, etc.

El marido no sabe qu� hacer y se le ocurre decirle:

“�Ay, mi pichurri, pero en el bar, t� sabes, la jarra helada…!”

No terminaba de decir esto, cuando la esposa interrumpe dici�ndole:

“�Quiere jarra congelada mi amorcito?”

Saca del congelador una jarra helada, congelada, blanca, tan blanca que hasta temblaba de fr�o.

El marido apenado dice:

“S� churri m�a, pero en el bar sirven unas tapitas riqu�simas, vuelvo enseguida, �S�?”

“�Quiere tapitas, mi amorcito?”

Abre el horno y el frigor�fico y saca quince platos diferentes de tapas: aceitunas, chopitos, patatas bravas, alioli, cacahuates, palomitas, quesos, pat�, caviar, carnes fr�as, etc.

“Pero caramelito, en el bar, t� sabes, las maldiciones, las palabrotas y todo aquello…”

“�Quiere palabrotas, mi amorcito? Entonces, �te tomas la puta cerveza, en la jodida jarra helada y te comes las tapas, pero de aqu� no sales, hijo de puta!”

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I
ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not want it.

An elderly Rabbi is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.After watching the boys efforts for some time, the Rabbi moves closer to the boy’s position.He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.Crouching down to the child’s level, the Rabbi smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

The Indian Top 10:1. Tears on My Pillau. 2. Its my chappalti and I’ll cry if I want to. 3. Tikka Chance on Me. 4. Scatnaan. 5. Korma Korma Chameleon. 6. What’s the Story Morning Tandoori. 7. Easy like Sanjay Morning. 8. You Can’t Curry Love. 9. Poppadum Preach. 10. Sheikh Your Body. All available on the fantastic new album, Turban Hymns by Donner Summer.Bohemian Curry (sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen) Naan-aa, just killed a man Poppadom against his head Had lime pickle, now he’s dead. Naan-aa, dinner just begun But now I’m going to crap it all away. Naan-aa, ooh-ooh Didn’t mean to make you cry, Seen nothin’ yet just see the loo tomorrow, Curry on, Curry on, ’cause nothing really madras. Too late, my dinner’s gone Sends shivers up my spine Rectum aching all the time. Goodbye every bhaji, I’ve got to go Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo. Naan-aa, ooh-ooh, This Dopiaza’s mild, I sometimes wish we’d never come here at all…(Guitar solo)I see a little chicken tikka on the side, Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh Pass the chutney made of mango. Vindaloo does nicely Nery very spicy ME! Biryani (Biryani) Biryani (Biryani) Biryani and a naan, (A vindaloo loo looo… ) I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me He’s eaten balti, get him to a lavatory, Stand you well back Cause this loo is quarantined. Here it comes, There it goes, Technicolor yawn. I chunder No! It’s coming up again (There he goes) I chunder It’s coming up again (There he goes) It’s coming up again, (Up again) Coming up again (up again) Here it comes again (No no no no no no no no no No). On my knees, I’m on my knees, I’m on my knees, Oh there he goes This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts Poor me… Poor me… Poor me!(Guitar solo)So you think you can chunder and still it’s all right? So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night? Ooh maybe, now you’ll puke like a baby, just had to come out, just had to come right out in here…(Guitar solo)Korma, saag or bhuna, Balti, naan, bhaji.Nothing makes a difference Nothing makes a difference to me.

Dos ladrones de Tontilandia fueron a asaltar un banco. Encerraron a todo el mundo en un ba�o y se fueron directos a la sala de los cofres de seguridad.

All� Manolo forz� la cerradura del primero, y al abrirlo exclam�:

“Joaqu�n, ven ac�. Este cofre no tiene dinero. Est� lleno de yogur.”

Joaqu�n respondi�:

“Bueno, si lo guardaron aqu� debe ser un yogur muy bueno, pues com�moslo todo, joder.”

Despu�s de comerlo todo, Manuel parti� para forzar el segundo cofre.

“�Yogurt de nuevo! �Y ahora Joaqu�n?”

“Y bueno Manuel, com�moslo tambi�n.”

Y los dos comieron hasta que no aguantaron m�s, entonces Manuel fue hacia el tercer cofre y lo abri�.

“�Putas que lo pari�.! �Yogur de nuevo! �Joaqu�n, a que porquer�a de banco me has tra�do, que solo tienen yogur!”

“Manuel… pues ah� bien claro lo dice “BANCO DE ESPERMA.”

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;And he answered, “Because of the Seniors’ Discount.”I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;And there, once again, got quite a surprise.The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.He said, “For you, Seniors, the coffee is free.”Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.The newspaper print gets smaller each day,And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.My teeth are my own (I have the receipt).And my glasses identify people I meet.Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit … not a lot, I am sure.You see, I’m not old … I’m only mature.The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.Washing my hair has turned it all white,But don’t call it grey … saying “blonde” is just right.My car is all paid for … not a nickel is owed.Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer … get off of the road!”My car has no scratches … not even a dent.Still I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”My friends all get older … much faster than me.They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles … for sure,But don’t call me old … just call me mature.The steps in the houses they’re building todayAre so high that they take … your breath all away;And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.That should explain why my walking is slow.But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.I’m still in the running … in this I’m secure,I’m not really old … I’m only mature

10. Sag! You’re it! 9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy. 8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear. 7. Kick the bucket. 6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over. 5. Doc, doc, goose. 4. Simon says something incoherent. 3. Musical recliners. 2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta. AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS…1. Hide and go pee!

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. Last week I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!”

“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.

The third nun fainted.

Un boxeador est� recibiendo una gran paliza. Le salva el gong y lo arrastran hasta sentarle en el banquillo de su esquina. Sin poder abrir los ojos, cerrados por la paliza, y balbuciendo por los dientes perdidos, le pregunta a su entrenador:

“�C�mo voy… c�mo voy?”

“��Qu� c�mo vas?! �Mira, si ahora sales y lo matas te dar�n combate nulo!”

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains.They had registered on Saturday and hadn’t been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them.The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers. The old man asks, “Are you young folks all right?” “Yes, we’re fine,” the man answered. We’re living on the fruits of love.” The old man replied, “I kinda figured that. Say…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking my ducks!”

There were these people and there names were Shut-up crap and manners they driving down a highway and were speeding crap seen something out the window and jumped to get it so manners went after him so shut-up was all alone. Shut-up was speeding and a cop pulled him over and said whats your name he was like Shut-up and the cop was like whats your name he was like Shut-up and the cop was like wheres your manners Shut-up was like 5 miles back picking up crap!!