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Un hombre est� ante la barra de un bar cuando ve entrar a una mujer m�s bien vulgar y muy maquillada. El hombre le hace se�as para que se acerque.
“No deber�a haberla llamado, amigo. �Esa es la zorra m�s jodida de todo el barrio!”, le advierte el camarero.
“Lo s� perfectamente. �Es mi mujer!”, suspira el tipo.
Tu mujer te enga�a
Manolo se encontraba en la tienda de abarrotes y llega Venancio corriendo y le avisa agitado:
“�Manolo, tu mujer te est� enga�ando ahora!”
�ste sale corriendo, se sube a la bicicleta y se estrella en un poste. Se levanta y maldice:
“�Joder, que yo no soy… ni tengo esposa y no s� andar en bicicleta!”
Taxi-ing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?””The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. ….”It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.
If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?”
“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks.”
The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin’ at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, “You know mate, back home, we shear those!”
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, “I’m not bloody SHEARING this with no one!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Sham.
Sham who?
I didn’t know we were talking about yo mama.
Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the other
“I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America we might as
well do as Americans do.”
So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. “Two Dogs, please,” says the first
Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs in foil.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”. The first
Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun
cautiously ask, “What part of the dog did you get?”
What did the [ethnic] do with his first fifty-cent piece?
He married her.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Una maestra llev� a sus alumnos al zool�gico; cuando se detuvieron enfrente de la jaula del chango, vieron que �ste se met�a semillas por el culo antes de com�rselas. La maestra, muy enojada, va a reclamarle al director del zool�gico:
“��igame imb�cil, el simio degenerado que tienen se mete las semillas por el culo y luego se las come! �Qu� no se da cuenta que esa es muy mala imagen para los ni�os?”
“Disc�lpeme se�ora, pero si usted estuviera en el lugar del chango har�a exactamente lo mismo”.
“�Mire tarado, yo no soy as� de cochina! �Por qu� dice que har�a lo mismo?”
“Hace dos meses un grupo de ni�os vino al zool�gico y le tiraron al mono un mango… �el pendejo se lo comi� entero y despu�s lo tuvimos que operar del culo porque no le pod�a salir el hueso del mango!”
Yo’ mama so stupid, she heard it was chilly out, and got a spoon!