Category: other

Why does a Jewish American Princess wear a gold diaphragm?

So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.

As you’ve probably heard, the Pope has asked all the Cardinals to return to Rome.

You know how they got them all to come back?

They told them that there was going to be a performance by the Vienna Boys Choir.

I know why you look like a horse, I saw your mom grazing in a field.

You so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

If ugliness were bricks, you’d be the Great Wall of China.

Your boy so ugly, you tried to give him a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You so ugly, they call you Moses, cause everytime you step the water parts.

There were two scientists and they decided to clone two bodies, they decided they would chose michel jackson and arnold swartzineger. what did they Call it?
michel was-a-niger

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the friggin hell was that?”

She replies, “EYE–LEFT TIT — BEHIND — THE BUSH!”

16> You’re always crushing objects too small to be seen from inside — like Ford Excursions and the Washington Monument.15> No need to worry about one-way streets — for you, *every* street is a one-way street.14> As a result of the vehicle size/penis size inverse ratio, you now have an “innie.”13> The hood ornament is a Yugo.12> McDonnell-Douglas and Boeing are bidding for your next tire rotation.11> The Guinness Book of World Records has certified your back window screen as the world’s largest Confederate flag.10> Your spinning rims have started altering weather patterns. 9> Your monthly Texaco bill comes with a lovely gift basket and a personally signed thank-you note from the emir of Kuwait. 8> You let your kids eat in the truck — as long as they stay in the dining room. 7> You keep finding chunks of SUV in your front grille. 6> Whenever you fill it up, Dick Cheney’s grin gets a little wider. 5> The turn signals are labeled “port” and “starboard.” 4> Four times this month you’ve crushed the garbage truck while backing out of the driveway. 3> Greenies have to stand on a stepladder to key the paint job. 2> The passenger side is 2 feet lower because that’s where your wife parks her Camry. 1> Every time you gun the engine, you can feel the earth get a teensy bit warmer. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

What do they call abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech

Un fulano va en un carro por la ciudad y decide darle jal�n (avent�n, o “ride”) a un mengano.

Van los dos, cuando de repente al llegar a un sem�foro que cambiaba de amarillo a rojo, el fulano le mete al acelerador y pasa a toda velocidad en el cruce de calles.

“��Pero est�s loco!?”, le dice el mengano. “�Nos vamos a matar!”.

“Es que un amigo m�o me ense�� este truco”, le dice el fulano tranquilamente.

Y as� vuelve a ocurrir lo mismo en los siguientes 5 sem�foros. Por supuesto que el mengano iba con el coraz�n en la garganta. Hasta que por fin llegan a uno que les da luz verde.

Repentinamente, el fulano pega un frenazo intempestivo y brusco.

“Bueno, �y bien? �No vas a pasar con luz verde como Dios manda?”, le dice el mengano.

Y contesta el fulano: “No, porque no vaya a ser que por ah� se vaya a atravesar mi amigo”.

Es de noche en la panader�a, y todos los panes est�n durmiendo: la chilindrina, el bigote, el bolillo, la concha, etc., cuando de repente se despierta la concha y grita:

“�Soy una concha! �Soy una concha!”

Todos los panes se despiertan, pero el m�s enojado era el bolillo el cual amenaza:

“�Concha, si no te callas te voy a matar!”

“Est� bien”, dijo la concha, y se acost�.

Como a los cinco minutos, la concha se vuelve a levantar gritando:

“�Soy una concha! �Soy una concha!”

Vuelve a despertar a todos los panes y el bolillo amenaza en tono m�s perentorio:

“�Concha, si no te callas ahora s� te voy a matar!”

“Est� bien, me callo”, contest� la concha y se acost�.

Un rato despu�s, la concha nuevamente se levanta y grita:

“�Soy una concha! �Soy una concha!”

Todos los panes se despiertan y esta vez el bolillo tan s�lo murmura:

“Concha, te lo advert�”, y le dispara.

Todos los panes se quedan espantados; la concha se levanta, se queda callada un rato y luego comienza a gritar:

“�Soy una dona! �Soy una dona!”

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on the porch in rocking chairs passing the time of day. Next door were two elderly ladies that were trying to get their attention. One said to the other “How can we get their attention?” The other replied “I’ll get their attention, watch this.” With that she took her clothes off and ran down the sidewalk past the elderly gentlemen.”Did you see that” asked one.”Yeah” repllied the other, “It sure needs ironing.”

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?”

I politely said, “This is John, may I speak to Robin please?”

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word “jackass,” and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and the I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!” It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, “Hello.” I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?”

He went, “No!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!”

(Keep reading, we’re not through with this guy.)

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!”

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-4863 and yelling, “You’re jackass!”

(It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy,too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.”

I said, “Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 2104 East 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.”

I said, “What’s your name?”

“My name is Don H.”

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home in the evenings.”

“Listen Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes,”

“Don, you’re a jackass!”

And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don H’s number to my speed dialer.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, “Hello.”

I yelled “You’re a jackass!”, but I didn’t hang up.

The jackass said, “Are you still there?”

I said, “Yeah.”

He said, “Stop calling me.”

I said, “No.”

He said, “What’s your name, Pal?”

I said, “Don H.”

He said “Where do you live?”

“2104 East 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.”

“I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”

“Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, “Hello.”

I said, “Hello, Jackass!”

He said, “If I ever find out who you are…”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll kick your butt.”

“Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jackass!”

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 2104 East 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news

theres a black guy white guy and a mexican guy there all in jail for shutting down there phone services. (black guys cricket and sprocket white guys local and the mexican is all cellz)anyway, there is a door with a $ sign on it in each of there rooms they lead to the same place, a room with 1000000$ to get them all out and 2 buy wuteva thay wanna buy. thay dare each other to go in there. the white guy sez ‘ill go 1st wussies’ so he walks in there a ghost pops up and sez ‘im the ghost of cassadoom take this money youll go boom’ so he runs out and tries 2 4get about it. the mexican guy sez ‘ ill go now that white guy iz a wus’ tha same thing happens. the black guy dont say nothin, he just walks in there the ghost pops up and sez im the ghost of cassadoom__ the black guy interupts and sez im the king of cricket and sprocket this moneys goin in my back pocket!