Category: other

Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.” A schoolteacher says: “We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.” An airline stewardess says: “Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.”

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.”Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.””How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”

The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence – what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child.”

The company has discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:-jumping to conclusions,flying off the handle,beating around the bush,running down the boss,going around in circles,dragging their feet,dodging responsibility,passing the buck,climbing the ladder,wading through paperwork,pulling strings,shooting the breeze,throwing their weight around,stretching the truth,bending the rules,pushing their luck,screwing around,shuffling papers,and playing hide and seek.

Primer acto: 10 viejitos haciendo parar una micro, la micro no les para.

Segundo acto: 50 viejitos haciendo parar una micro, la micro tampoco para.

Tercer acto: 100 viejitos haciendo parar una micro y la misma historia.

�C�mo se llama la pel�cula?

A los viejos no se les para.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed.”

For years and years they told me,

be careful of your breasts.

Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,

and protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

and I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,

My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,

Said I should get a Mammogram.

“O.K,” I said, “let’s do it.”

“Stand up here real close” she said,

(She got my boob in line,)

“And tell me when it hurts,” she said,

“Ah yes! Right there, that’s fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal;

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate came slamming down,

my hooter’s in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled,

from underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,

within its vice-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

my poor defenseless tit!

“Take a deep breathe” she said to me,

whom does she think she’s kidding?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

and woozy I am getting.

“There, that’s good,” I heard her say,

(The room was slowly swaying.)

“Now, let’s have a go at the other one.”

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down;

it squeezed me from both sides.

I’ll bet SHE’S never had this done,

To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,

I will request a blindfold.

I have no wish to see again,

my knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

it would have gone “ker-pow!”

This machine was created by a man,

of this, I have no doubt.

I’d like to stick his balls in there,

and see how THEY come out.

Un tipo que trabaja en una empresa, agarra el tel�fono y llama a la recepci�n para hablar con el afanador y al contestar el tel�fono, dice:

�HEY PU�AL, MUEVE EL TRASERO Y TRAEME UNA COCA DE DIETA, CON UNA TORTA Y UNAS PAPAS, RAPIDITO Y DE BUEN MODO CABRON, QUE NO TENGO TU TIEMPO!”

Al otro lado del tel�fono se oye una voz varonil que le dice:

“�OYE PENDEJO, TE EQUIVOCASTE DE EXTENSION, �SABES CON QUIEN ESTAS HABLANDO? ESTAS HABLANDO CON EL DIRECTOR GENERAL DE LA EMPRESA IMBECIL!”

El tipo sorprendido le responde: “�Y QUE WEY?, PINCHE NEGRERO, HIJO DE LA CHINGADA �ACASO SABES TU CON QUIEN ESTAS HABLANDO?”

El director sorprendido responde: “NO”.

El empleado le contesta: “UTA, MENOS MAL, CABRON, BYE”

Why are black people so good at basketball?

Because they can run, shoot, and steal.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”The elderly gentleman replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!”

One day a girl came home with 50 dollars and her mother asked where she got
it. The girl said, Two men where at school and they told me that they would pay
me 50 dollars if I climb the flag pole. So the mother said Honey dont do that
they Are just trying to look at your underwear. The next day she came back with
100 dollars. So she said where and it was the same thing. So the mothet said not
to. The next day she came home with 500 dollars. And she asked where she got it
and it was the same. She said Honey I told not to the times. But the girl said
“Mommy I was smart I didn’t wear any underwear.”