Yours Fun Portal !
First, we want to apologize to our Polish friends, but remember
it’s just a joke!
Polands’s Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
central Poland.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
…So then the toothbrush says to the toiletpaper “I got the
worst job in the world”
16> That fancy hat didn’t fully cover your horns or the “666” on your scalp.
15> You never bothered to get your GED after dropping out of the High School of Cardinals.
14> “Cardinal Liebowitz” has a funny ring to it.
13> The long sleeves of the Cardinal’s vestments couldn’t quite hide the “OZZY” and “RULZ” tattoos on your knuckles.
12> The ceremony was scheduled at the same time as an all-new episode of “Punk’d.”
11> Your proposed “Sacrament of Oral Reciprocation” didn’t go over very well.
10> They found andro in your locker and there are rumors that you cork your crucifix.
9> Maybe it was that entrance essay entitled “Straight Popin’: Tales of a Vatican Hustla.”
8> Evidently, your mass in Pig Latin wasn’t as amusing as you’d hoped.
7> You couldn’t help but mention how ironic it is that Jesus Christ was born on Santa Claus’ birthday.
6> Your novel suggestion that communion include salsa: “I’m just saying that the body of Christ can be a little dry, Your Holiness.”
5> Somebody must have done a whois on IHateMotherTeresa.com.
4> You showed up for Sunday mass festooned in Mardi Gras beads. Meanwhile, on Bourbon Street, a half-naked girl puking behind a Dumpster was sporting a lovely rosary.
3> Your advocacy of the canonization of O.J. Simpson as the “patron saint of getting away with sh*t.”
2> The cardinal’s duties would have interfered with Gay Bingo Night.
1> Your open-mouth kiss of Cardinal O’Connor at the 2003 Popey awards.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from
the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station
attendant.
“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, ” I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall
off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback……..”
A captain in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost where he notices an old, seedy looking camel at the back of the barracks.
He asks his sergeant what it is for.
“Well, sir, we’re a fair distance from anywhere and the men have natural sexual urges. When they do, they use the camel.”
“Gosh,” says the captain, “Well if it’s good for morale, it’s fine by me.”
The captain soon becomes frustrated himself and finally tells the sergeant to bring him the camel.
The sergeant shrugs his shoulders and brings the camel to the captain’s quarters.
The captain gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he steps down, satisfied, he asks the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The sergeant replies, “Well no, sir, usually they just ride the camel to the nearest brothel.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman
What do you get when you gross a Pitbull and a Redneck?
A white neighbourhood.
Se encuentran en el consultorio del veterinario un perrito Poudle con un Pastor Alem�n. El pastor le pregunta:”�Por qu� te trajeron aqu�?”
Responde el perrito:”Resulta que la vecina tiene una perrita y el otro d�a estaba con la colita parada, me fui por atr�s y se lo puse. Mi due�a se enoj� y me van a cortar las bolas. �Y a ti por que te trajeron?”
Responde el Pastor: “Mi due�a estaba ba�andose en la piscina desnuda, y cuando sali� de la piscina se agach� y yo me fui por atr�s y se lo met� entero.”
“�Y tambi�n te van a cortar las bolas entonces?”
“No. Me van a cortar las u�as.”
If I wanted any lip from you, I would jiggle my zipper!
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch. She is reflecting on her long life, when – all of a sudden – a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.”Well, now,” says the old lady, “I’ve always wanted to be really rich.”*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.”And your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.”Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.*** POOF*** There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and leans over close to her. And then he whispers in her ear: “NOW I bet you’re sorry you had me neutered…”
Grabaci�n de la contestadora del Instituto de Salud Mental
Gracias por llamar al Instituto de Salud Mental, su m�s sana compa��a en sus momentos de mayor locura:
� Si usted es obsesivo-compulsivo, presione repetidamente el n�mero 1.
� Si usted es co-dependiente, p�dale a alguien que presione el n�mero 2 por usted.
� Si usted tiene m�ltiples personalidades, presione el 3, 4, 5, y 6.
� Si usted es paranoico, nosotros ya sabemos qui�n es usted, sabemos lo que hace, y sabemos lo que quiere. Espere en la l�nea mientras rastreamos su llamada.
� Si usted sufre de alucinaciones, presione el 7 y su llamada ser� transferida al departamento de ‘Elefantes Rosados’.
� Si usted es esquizofr�nico, escuche cuidadosamente, y una peque�a voz le dir� cu�l n�mero presionar.
� Si usted es depresivo, no importa cual n�mero marque. Nadie le va a contestar.
� Si usted sufre de amnesia, presione 8 y diga en voz alta su nombre, direcci�n, tel�fonos, c�dula, fecha de nacimiento, estado civil y el apellido de soltera de su madre.
� Si usted sufre de estr�s post-traum�tico, presione lentamente la tecla # hasta que alguien se apiade de usted.
� Si usted sufre de indecisi�n, deje su mensaje luego de escuchar el tono, o antes del tono, o despu�s del tono, o durante el tono. En todo caso, espere el tono.
� Si sufre de p�rdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9. Si sufre de perdida de la memoria a corto plazo, presione 9.
� Si tiene la autoestima baja, por favor cuelgue. Todos nuestros operadores est�n ocupados atendiendo a personas m�s importantes que usted.
How does a New Zealander make a u-turn?
He winks at it.
Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.” A schoolteacher says: “We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.” An airline stewardess says: “Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.”