Category: other

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma’s house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

“Red Riding Hood, I’m going to eat you!” he growls.

“Eat, eat, eat,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
“Doesn’t anybody fuck anymore?”
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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to Grandma’s house when all of a sudden the big bad wolf jumps out from behind a tree!

“Red Riding Hood, I’m going to fuck you!” he growls.

Little Red Riding Hood pulls a gun from her bag, points it at the wolf and says, “No you’re not, you’re going to eat me like the story says!”

Bud and Jim are airline mechanics in Atlanta. One slow work day
Bud complained they had nothing to drink. Jim said he had heard
that you could drink jet fuel to get a buzz and they decided to
try it. After only a few drinks they were both wasted. The next
morning Bud woke up and felt great, no hangover, nothing! The
phone rang and it was Jim:

Jim: How you feel this morning?
Bud: Great, and you?
Jim: I feel fine too!
Bud: Man we gotta try this stuff again!
Jim: Well, tthere is one problem.
Bud: What is it?
Jim: Have you farted yet?
Bud: No.
Jim: Don’t!!! ‘Cause I’m in Phoenix!!!!

1. El amor es una cosa esplendorosa… �Hasta que te sorprende tu esposa!

2. M�s vale parecer un idiota con la boca cerrada, que abrir la boca y disipar toda duda.

3. Es mucho m�s f�cil perdonar al enemigo una vez que nos hemos desquitado.

4. El ochenta por ciento de los hombres casados enga�a a sus esposas en los Estados Unidos. El resto lo hace en Europa.

5. No estoy de acuerdo con las relaciones antes del matrimonio, porque hacen llegar tarde a la ceremonia.

6. Yo no le deseo la muerte a nadie… Siempre que no me falte trabajo. (Un empresario de pompas f�nebres).

7. Si su suegra es una joya… �Aqu� le tenemos el estuche! (Anuncio en una funeraria).

8. La realidad es una alucinaci�n causada por la falta de alcohol.

9. Hay gente que est� demasiado educada para hablar con la boca llena, pero no les importa hacerlo con la cabeza hueca.

10. Cuando el fil�sofo se�ala la luna, el tonto se fija en el dedo.

Your momma is so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs

Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “Now don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian.

He’s never lost a match because of this “pretzel” hold he has. Whatever you do, don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.

The Russian’s back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered, “Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!”

Un tipo estaba parado a la orilla de la carretera pidiendo avent�n, en medio de una tremenda tormenta, en una oscura y tenebrosa noche.

Pas� un tiempo pero nadie se paraba. La tormenta era tan fuerte que apenas si se alcanzaba a ver a unos 3 metros de distancia. De pronto, ve que un extra�o carro se acerca lentamente y al final se detiene. Sin dudarlo, por lo precario de su situaci�n, se sube al auto y cierra la puerta. Voltea y se da cuenta, con asombro, de que nadie va manejando el carro.

El veh�culo arranca suave y pausadamente. El tipo mira hacia la carretera y ve, con horror desorbitado, que adelante est� una curva; asustado, comienza a rezar e implorar por su salvaci�n al advertir su tr�gico destino. El fulano no ha terminado de salir de su espanto cuando, justo antes de llegar a la curva, entra una mano tenebrosa por la ventana del chofer y mueve el volante, lentamente pero con firmeza.

Paralizado de terror y sin aliento, se aferra con toda sus fuerzas al asiento; inm�vil e impotente ve como sucede lo mismo en cada curva del tenebroso y horrible camino, mientras la tormenta aumenta su fuerza. El sujeto, sacando fuerzas de donde ya no quedaban, se baja del carro y se va corriendo hasta el pueblo m�s cercano.

Deambulando, todo empapado, se dirige a una cantina que se percibe a lo lejos; entra y pide dos tequilas. Temblando a�n, les empieza a contar a todos los parroquianos la pavorosa experiencia que acababa de sufrir.

Se hizo un pesado silencio ante el asombro de todos los presentes. El miedo asomaba por todos los rincones del lugar. Como a la media hora, llegan dos hombres todos mojados y le dice uno al otro, en tono molesto:

“�Mira Juan, all� est� el hijo de la chingada que se subi� al carro cuando lo ven�amos empujando!”

Va un borracho chocando con los postes de luz, cuando se cruza con un polic�a y le pregunta con voz tartajosa:

“Se�or polic�a (hic), por favor, �me puede decir cu�ntos chichones tengo en la cabeza?”

“Seis”.

“Ah, bueno, entonces me faltan dos postes para llegar a mi casa”.

Una vez estaba Juanita en su casa, y de repente tuvo su primera menstruaci�n, estaba muy asustada pero no hab�a nadie en su casa, as� que decidi� ir a casa de su mejor amigo,
Pepito.

Lleg� a la casa y toc� el timbre:

“Hola Pepito, �est� tu mam�?”

“No Juanita, pero �qu� se te ofrece?”

“No te puedo decir Pepito, son cosas de Mujeres.”

“D�melo Juanita, yo s� absolutamente todo de mujeres.”

“No, Pepito, �est� tu hermana?”

“No Juanita, pero dime, ya te dije que s� todo de mujeres.”

“No te puedo decir Pepito, �est� tu sirvienta?”

“No, pero d�melo, yo s� todo de las mujeres.”

“Est� bien Pepito te lo voy a decir.”

En ese momento se levanta la falda y est� toda ensangrentada y dice Pepito:

“Pero �qu� hiciste, Juanita? �Te arrancaste los huevos!”

“I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computer and spreasheet progroms.”

“Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.”

“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

“Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”

“Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

“Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”

“It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

“Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit
a job.”

“Marital status: often. Children: various.”

“The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”

“Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

“References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

I know I’m not the only person in the world who hates
telemarketers. I got bored one day, and made this list of stupid
things to say to telemarketers. I’ve tried most of them. Enjoy!

1. Ask what state they live in. Proceed to call this state the
“I Hate That State” state.

2. Tell them that you recognize their voice from an old
schoolhouse rock cartoon. No matter what they say, insist on it.
Demand an autograph.

3. Yell the word “ouch” at random intervals.

4. Ask the person to keep speaking up until he/she is
practically screaming at the phone. Then, in a calm voice, tell
them that you have not understood a word they have said, and
hang up.

5. Ask when their birthday is. Proceed to sing “Happy Birthday”,
no matter the date.

6. Ask what they are wearing. Say that you have one of those two.

7. Speak, if you can, in a foreign language.

8. Pretend to be Regis Philbin from the Millionaire Show. Ask a
very simple question, such as who the first President was. When
they get it correct, sound very scientific and tell them why
they are wrong.

9. Tell them to turn around. Hang up the phone when they do.

10. Ask a lot of real questions about the product. Pretend to be
very interested. After about ten minutes of this, ask what color
the product is. Tell the person that if it came in hot pink, you
might think about it.

11. Tell your life story.

12. Tell your grandfather’s life story.

13. Say that you have to go to the bathroom, but ask them to
stay on the line. Leave the phone sitting there for about 3
minutes. Return and yell out to nobody but so that the
telemarketer can hear, “Damn honey, you’re good at that!”

14. Tell them that now is a bad time, as you’re in the middle of
having sex.

15. Ask to borrow some money.

16. Pretend to be selling the same product they are. Just repeat
everything they say.

17. Do the “Kerpal” shtick. If you do not know what Kerpal is,
download it now on Napster.

18. Tell them that you’re having phone troubles and may get
disconnected at random ti-

19. Ask to buy their left leg for $10.

20. Tell them that there is no “product”, like from the kid in
the Matrix.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.”What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.”I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.”And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.”My wife.” said the man.

TRADITION(Jewish Humor)

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up…

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.” The one whose followers sat asked, “Is the tradition to sit during Shema?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man, “The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…”

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “THAT is our tradition!”