Category: other

What’s the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?

American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

The manager of a ladies’ dress shop realized it was time to give
one her sales clerks a little talk. “Alice, your figures are
well below any of our other salespeople’s. In fact, unless you
can improve your record soon, I’m afraid I’ll have to let you
go.”

“I’m sorry, Ma’am,” said a humbled Alice. “Can you give me any
advice on how to do better?”

“Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds
silly, but it’s worked for me in the past. Get hold of a
dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had
particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales
pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you’ll be amazed at the
results.”

Sure enough, Alice’s sales figures went way up, and at the end
of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated
her. “Did you try my little trick?” she asked.

Alice nodded. “It took me a whole weekend to find the right
word, but I did: ‘fantastic.'”

“‘Fantastic.’ What a good word,” said the manager encouragingly.
“How’ve you been using it?”

“Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her
little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep
school in the city. I said, ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell me
how her daughter always got straight A’s and was the most
popular girl in her class, I said ‘Fantastic’ and she bought
$300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a
formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she
was in charge of. I said ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell she
had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband
makes the most money. I said ‘Fantastic’ and she not only bought
the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.
It’s been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I
keep saying ‘Fantastic’, and they keep buying.”

“Excellent work, Alice,” complimented her boss. “Just as a point
of interest, what did you say to customers before you discovered
your power word?”

Alice shrugged. “I used to say, ‘Who gives a damn?'”

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only “as innovative as they are cruel,” but pretty vain as well.* Wahlberg’s neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young ape’s human pet is a peach-colored dress.* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie “Congo.” * Kris Kristofferson’s surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of “Millenium”s failure at the box office. * The imagery of the Ape armys red tents taken straight from biblical writings dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods. (Charlton Hestons idea.)* Helena Bonham Carter’s clothing came under-budget through some seamstress’ creativity and Rue McClanahan’s wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however, accounted for %15 of the films budget.* According to ape acting union, the “Ape” Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor. Submitted by: David J. Bleecker E-mail: [email protected]

How does a redneck mother know if her daughter has a yeast infection?

Her son’s dick tastes funny.

La felicidad de la casa se va y en su lugar contrata la se�ora de la casa una sirvienta llamada Margarita, de muy buen ver.

En esos d�as el patr�n estaba de viaje y al llegar ve la tremebunda y buen�sima margarita.

Pasan los d�as y el patr�n empieza a acosarla, pues que quer�a con ella, y as� todos los d�as, hasta que un buen d�a la pesca y le dice que s�, pero Margarita le pregunta varias veces al patr�n que si ten�a sida. El patr�n se la lleva a la cama y despu�s de un buen rato de fornicar terminan, y el patr�n le dice:

“Oye Margarita, por qu� me preguntabas tanto que si ten�a sida.”

Y Margarita le contesta:

“�Es que no me gustar�a que me lo volvieran a pegar!”

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.”Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”. “OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”GOD says, “So you would like them.” “OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?” “So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?” GOD says, “So they would love you!”

Yo momma’s so stupid…when your daddy said it was chilly outside, your momma
went and got a bowl!

Do you know why doctors spank babies after their born?Ans: To knock the peckers of the dumm ones.

The setting is Disneyland, “The Happiest Place on Earth,” where I had joined a couple of friends for a day of fun and adventure. After paying something approaching $30 each to get in, we wanted to conserve what little was left of our cash for important things like rubber lizards and the air hockey tables, so when it came time to eat we opted for a quick-n-cheap lunch rather than fine dining in one of their numerous restaurants.

Lunch consisted of one of those burritos in a plastic bag, and a can of cola. I could go into great detail here, but why bother. You know precisely what I’m getting at here: INTESTINAL GAS!

Funny thing is, lunch didn’t seem to give me any problem. I don’t think I flatulated once the whole afternoon. More junk food was consumed. Many violent games of air hockey were played. Little did I know what my bowels had in store.

So late in the afternoon we step in line for the Jungle Cruise ride (you’ll also find rubber lizards for sale in this area). The lines at Disneyland are densely packed in a serpentine configuration such that it’s pretty much impossible to bail out from the middle. As I shuffle around a bend deep into the line, I notice there’s a little girl right behind me who it would seem has been genetically engineered to be just the height that would place her nose precisely in line for problems.

“Wouldn’t it be funny,” I think to myself, “if I had to flatulate right now?”

We continue shuffling through the densely-packed line, and just as we come to the exact center of the line, with the small, innocent child mere inches away and at least 20 feet of human bodies in all directions and nowhere to run, I did just that. I passed gas.

However, this was no ordinary flatus. Nothing like this has crept from my bowels before or since. This was … The Doomsday Fart! You know the expression, “silent but deadly”? You couldn’t have heard this one with a stethoscope, but Landsat 4 probably picked it up in the thermal band. It was simply unholy. A fart that could melt diamond. The oil fires of Kuwait couldn’t hold a candle to this thing. Chernobyl? Child’s play! Weather patters were disrupted. LAX was “fogged in.” The world knew a new evil on this day. A voluminous, hot, humid, painfully burning fart that makes the greenhose effect look like a pleasant alternative. It probably knocked down a couple local trailer parks just for good measure.

I farted only once on this day, but it was more than most people will manage in a lifetime. The line started moving. I did not look back, for fear that I might see a live action replay of the scene in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” where people were melting and shriveling up (or would it be more like the ash bodies in Terminator 2?). We go around one of the bends in the line, headed back toward The Mushroom Cloud.

My friends both choke, look back at me, and give the best glabe they can manage with their eyes watering like that. I’ve just got this big grin on my face. They do not need to ask where “It” came from (brave souls, these folks – they still joined me on the submarine ride later). Rounding the corner myself, I get a glimpse of what’s left of the small child behind me.

Her face is scrunched in pain, her hands violently waving the air in front of her. I don’t think she needs to ask either. Except for the complete depilatation, it’s nothing a good plastic surgeon can’t fix.

That evening, we ate dinner in a restaurant.

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.All your modelling jobs are for cartoonists.Nothing you own is actually paid for.The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.The bride’s family throws rocks instead of rice.The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.You put both contacts into the same eye.You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.You wake up and your braces are stuck together.You’re so lonely that you invite the peeping Tom in… and he says no.Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.Your children’s school calls to surrender.Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.Your engagement ring, upon closer inspection, is plastic.Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.Your plants do better when you don’t talk to them.Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.You meet a real knockout that floats your boat but your sails can’t keep up with her motor.

Bill y Hillary est�n manejando cerca del pueblo natal de Hillary. Se detienen en una gasolinera. El empleado sale y comienza a llenar el tanque. En esto mira al asiento del pasajero y dice, “Oye, Hillary. �Te acuerdas de m�? Sal�amos juntos en Secundaria.”

Hillary y el empleado platican por unos minutos, Bill paga y siguen su camino.

M�s adelante, Bill le dice a Hillary, con tono burl�n: “�T� sal�as con ese tipo? �Te imaginas lo que ser�a si te hubieras casado con �l?”

Hillary lo mira, se encoge de hombros y le dice, “Bueno, supongo que t� estar�as despachando en una gasolinera y el ser�a el Presidente…”

1. El amor es una cosa esplendorosa… �Hasta que te sorprende tu esposa!

2. M�s vale parecer un idiota con la boca cerrada, que abrir la boca y disipar toda duda.

3. Es mucho m�s f�cil perdonar al enemigo una vez que nos hemos desquitado.

4. El ochenta por ciento de los hombres casados enga�a a sus esposas en los Estados Unidos. El resto lo hace en Europa.

5. No estoy de acuerdo con las relaciones antes del matrimonio, porque hacen llegar tarde a la ceremonia.

6. Yo no le deseo la muerte a nadie… Siempre que no me falte trabajo. (Un empresario de pompas f�nebres).

7. Si su suegra es una joya… �Aqu� le tenemos el estuche! (Anuncio en una funeraria).

8. La realidad es una alucinaci�n causada por la falta de alcohol.

9. Hay gente que est� demasiado educada para hablar con la boca llena, pero no les importa hacerlo con la cabeza hueca.

10. Cuando el fil�sofo se�ala la luna, el tonto se fija en el dedo.