Category: other

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!”

A passenger said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Little Tommy’s parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors,
flash cards, “Hooked on Math,” special learning centers, everything. Finally,
they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went
straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and
paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as
dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and
studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought
home his report card and showed it to his parents:

An A in Math! “Tommy! This is great! I’m so proud of you! Son, what was it?
What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy shook his head.

“Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms?
What?” Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, Mom, it’s like this.

When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they
weren’t screwing around!”

Llega un nuevo recluso a una c�rcel de baja seguridad, donde todos los presos pernoctan en un dormitorio colectivo. Algo as� como dos mil tipos acostados en un solo sal�n. Lo que llam� la atenci�n del nuevo era que todos los presidiarios se echaban pedos soplados, es decir, sin hacer ruido.

“Yo les voy a ense�ar a estos cabrones como se echa un buen pedo”, pens�.

Despu�s de la cena, que consisti� en unos frijoles reci�n hervidos, el tipo empez� a sentir que todos se echaban pedos muy hediondos pero que no sonaban. En esas estaban, cuando sinti� ganas; dirigi�ndose a sus compa�eros les grit�:

“�As� se echan los pedos, cabrones!”

“�Prrrrrrrrrr!”

En ese momento se empez� a escuchar un murmullo que fue creciendo en intensidad. Uno de los reos grita:

“Si van a rifar ese culito virgen yo pago lo que sea”.

Y se le fueron encima.

Cats & Dogs 1. What is a cat? _________________ Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats. ———– 2. What is a dog? __________________ Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don’t hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats

This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, he gets up at 2am to have an early start. When he arrives he gets out his saw and begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an echoing voice, “There are no fish under the ice there.”

The dude freaks out looks around but sees no one. So he waits a few minutes then decides there is no one around and keeps carving. A few minutes later the voice comes back, “There are no fish under the ice there!”

“Wow!”, thinks the dude to himself, “Wow, God is giving me guidance.”

So he once again starts to carve away at another part of the ice. He hears the bellowing voice, “Sir this is the rink manager, and there are no fish under the ice anywhere.”

There were three friends, one a smoker, one a gay and the other a drinker. They felt ill and went to the Doctor but the doctor told them they will die on their next plague in any of the above activities.
They went out on day and the drinker said he cant stay away from drinking so he just dashed to a drinking bar and did good to himself after which he died.
The smoker and the gay were taking a stroll and the smoker saw a piece of cigarrete on the ground and tried bending to pick it up.
Gay: ‘Hey Hey Hey, Dont Bend else we will all Die’
Sammie

How do we know that the “Toothbrush” was invented in West Virginia?

– Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a “Teethbrush”.

Un transportista llevaba una partida de ping�inos hacia el zool�gico, cuando a medio camino se le estropea el cami�n refrigerado. Preocupado, trata de reparar el problema y al ver pasar un cami�n repartidor de leche consigue que se detenga. Entonces le dice al lechero:

“Mira, te voy a dar $500 para que me hagas el favor de llevar estos ping�inos al zool�gico”.

El lechero toma el dinero y se lleva con gusto a los p�jaros en su cami�n refrigerado. Mientras tanto, el transportista logra arreglar el da�o, y de inmediato enfila hacia el zool�gico. En cuanto llega, ve salir al lechero con los ping�inos, en fila, detr�s de �l. El conductor le pregunta al lechero:

“�Ad�nde vas con los ping�inos?”

“Mira, ya los lleve al zool�gico, pero como me sobr� dinero los voy a llevar al cine”.

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help.’The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.’, said the nun.’Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.’, said the company spokeswoman.Mother superior then observed, ‘I think the term they actually use is ‘%#$&*%$ shovel”.

A woman walks into her accountant’s office, telling him she needs to file her taxes for the financial year.

“Fine,” the accountant says to his client, “but before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.

Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation. “What are you working as at the moment?” he asks.

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

“No, no, no!” barks the accountant. “That’ll never work! It’s far too crass!

Let’s try to rephrase that.”

“Okay,” says the woman, “err… I’m a prostitute?”

“No, no. That’s still far too crude. Can’t you think of something else?”

They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out,

“I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant is dumbstruck. “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

“Well,” says the woman, “I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store
and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the
box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,”
the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

I am not guilty. Wai Hang Mi? I got this for free. Ai No Pei You are not very bright. Yu So Dum Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? This is a tow away zone. No Pah King I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching? That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight Lei Lo He’s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu It’s very dark in here. Wai So Dim? I think you need a facelift. Chin Tu Fat I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Stupid Man Dum Gai See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?