Category: other

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, ‘Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.’

The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.’

The buddy with the Doberman says, ‘Just follow my lead.’

They walk over to the restaurant; the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, ‘Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.’

The Doberman man says, ‘You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’

The bouncer says, ‘A Doberman Pinscher?’

He says, ‘Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good and protect you from robbers too.’

The man at the door says, ‘Come on in.’

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, ‘What the heck,’ so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, ‘Sorry pal, no pets allowed.’

The guy with the Chihuahua says, `You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’

The bouncer at the door says, ‘A Chihuahua?’

The Chihuahua man says, ‘A Chihuahua? Those bastards gave me a Chihuahua?’

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab
driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don’t understand,” he
complained to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my
congregation.”

“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Saint Peter explained.
“Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep
from time to time.”

“Exactly,” said Saint Peter. “And when people rode in this man’s taxi, they
not only stayed awake, but they even prayed.”

An old woman in a nursing home kind of lost it one day and stripped off all of her clothes and took the sheet off the bed. She tied it around her neck like a cape and ran down the hall saying,

“SUPERPUSSY.”

She did this trying to get some attention from the nursing staff but they weren’t paying attention, so she jumped in the doorway of an old man’s room and landed in a pose saying,

“SUPERPUSSY.”

The old man looked up, thought for a second and said,

“I think I’ll have the soup.”

PRETTY SMART “OLDER” WOMEN!!!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to
see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman dig! s into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.
He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, “Banana Split, please.”

The lady at the counter replies, “Crushed nuts?”

The old man says, “No, Arthritis!”

Showing his friend around his his home, Peter started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.”The day before I die, I’d like to sell every piece we’ve got just to see how much it’s all worth.””But you couldn’t possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it.””Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!”

What’s the difference between a woman in the bath tub and a nun?
The nun has a soul full of hope.

What’s the difference between a circus and a Las Vegas Dance Show?
The circus is an array of cunning stunts.

Holly Happidays

Robotic Arm Extends White Flag

The French space program took a significant step backward today as the European Space Agency announced that a much-heralded French Mars probe surrendered just moments after landing on the red planet.

The probe, which had been expected to travel extensively across the surface of Mars to collect and analyze rock samples, stunned the French nation by surrendering only eight seconds into its mission.

As millions of astonished Frenchmen watched on national TV, the probe extended a robotic arm — designed to scoop up rocks from the surface of Mars – and raised a white flag aloft, waving it back and forth.

The probe then used a robotic shovel to dig a hole in the Martian surface before disappearing into the hole, apparently hiding.

At a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac denied that the probe had surrendered, arguing, “This mission was always intended to be eight seconds long. The probe has performed courageously and superbly.”

Despite earlier announced plans for the French Mars probe to exchange information about the surface of Mars with the American Mars probes, Mr. Chirac said, “The Americans will have to go it alone.”

What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?

Men miss them all.

Un muchacho muy jovencito se encuentra con un vecino al que todos lo saludaban y le dec�an “el doctor”, pero lo que el muchachito no sab�a, era que el doctor era abogado.

Ese d�a el jovencito con cara de preocupado se le acerca y… muy timidamente le dice:

“Doctor…”

“�Qu� le anda pasando jovencito?”

“La verdad, doctor, es que me duele un test�culo.”

“Pero yo soy Doctor en Derecho”, le responde el abogado.

A lo cual el joven con cara de sorprendido le responde:

“�Y c�mo adivin� que me duele el izquierdo?”

Little Tommy’s parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors,
flash cards, “Hooked on Math,” special learning centers, everything. Finally,
they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went
straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and
paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as
dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and
studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought
home his report card and showed it to his parents:

An A in Math! “Tommy! This is great! I’m so proud of you! Son, what was it?
What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy shook his head.

“Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms?
What?” Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, Mom, it’s like this.

When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they
weren’t screwing around!”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!”

A passenger said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”