Category: other

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M & Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair and that everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor’s bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So here’s my check book and my car – keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, ’cause, ‘Tag! You’re it!’

(Q.)Why do mexicans eat tamales for christmas?

(A.)So they have something to unwrap

15. dictum

14. joystick

13. Volvo

12. bungalow

11. cowlick

10. toadstool

9. supercalifragelistickexpeeallidouches

8. titmouse

7. holepuncher

6. crotchety

5. kumquat

4. shiitake

3. cockeyed

2. gobbledygook

1. Rubbermaid

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: “Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”

His friend was quick to wire back: “Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

I recently went to the doctor for a check-up, he checked me out thoroughly doing various tests, etc. He then went back to his table and sat down.”I’m prescribing these pills for you,” he then said, scribbling some weird name on the prescription pad, “I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time.”

One day a blind man came into a restaruant. A waiter came to him and asked “Would you like a menu, sir?”.

The man said “No thanks but if you bring me a dirty fork I’ll tell you what I want.”

So the waiter brings him a dirty fork and the blind man sniffs it. Then he said “bring me the meatloaf and mashed potatos”. So the waiter brings him meatloaf and mashed potatos.

The next day the same blind guy comes in. The waiter doesn’t recognize him and asks if he would like a menu. The blind man says, “No but if you bring me a dirty fork I’ll tell you what I want.”

So the waiter brings him a dirty fork. The man sniffs it and says “I’d like the lasagna with extra cheese please”. So the waiter brings him the lasagna.

The next day the blind man comes in and the waiter recognizes him. The waiter says “Let me guess you want a dirty fork, right?”and the blind man says “Yes I would.”.

The waiter gets a clean fork and rubs it on a waitresses privates. The waiter brings it to the blind man and he sniffs it.

Then the blind man says, “Hey!! I didn’t know Mary worked here!!”

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.

He yells down to him, but he can’t hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.

He points at his eye meaning “I”, points at his knee meaning “need”, and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,” What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!”

The other guy says,” I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I’m
coming.”

I know I haven’t known you for a very long time, and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I need it badly. I haven’t had it for a very long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs, and I’d be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until its very dry. It has been on my mind all day and I’m not going to beat around the bush anymore. So….. Can i have a piece of chewing gum?

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, “Do you have Viagra?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She asked, “Does it work?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“Can you get it over the counter?” she asked.

“I can if I take two,” he answered.

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, ‘Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.’

The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.’

The buddy with the Doberman says, ‘Just follow my lead.’

They walk over to the restaurant; the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, ‘Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.’

The Doberman man says, ‘You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’

The bouncer says, ‘A Doberman Pinscher?’

He says, ‘Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good and protect you from robbers too.’

The man at the door says, ‘Come on in.’

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, ‘What the heck,’ so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, ‘Sorry pal, no pets allowed.’

The guy with the Chihuahua says, `You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’

The bouncer at the door says, ‘A Chihuahua?’

The Chihuahua man says, ‘A Chihuahua? Those bastards gave me a Chihuahua?’

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab
driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don’t understand,” he
complained to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my
congregation.”

“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Saint Peter explained.
“Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep
from time to time.”

“Exactly,” said Saint Peter. “And when people rode in this man’s taxi, they
not only stayed awake, but they even prayed.”

An old woman in a nursing home kind of lost it one day and stripped off all of her clothes and took the sheet off the bed. She tied it around her neck like a cape and ran down the hall saying,

“SUPERPUSSY.”

She did this trying to get some attention from the nursing staff but they weren’t paying attention, so she jumped in the doorway of an old man’s room and landed in a pose saying,

“SUPERPUSSY.”

The old man looked up, thought for a second and said,

“I think I’ll have the soup.”