Category: other

Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:

“�Cu�l es tu nombre, hijo?”

“Soy Bond, James Bond”.

“S�, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aqu� lo tienes que demostrar”.

“�Qu� desea que haga?”

“Mira, d�jame aqu� en la puerta una identificaci�n y p�sale a buscar a Ad�n; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond”.

Pasan unos minutos y �ste llega con Ad�n de la mano.

“Bueno, aqu� tiene a Ad�n”.

“�C�mo lo encontraste entre tantos?”, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.

“Muy f�cil, s�lo busqu� al �nico hombre que no tiene ombligo”, le responde con su t�pica flema inglesa.

“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta”.

Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Ad�n al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.

A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Ad�n:

“Aqu� est� de nuevo”.

“�Puta, hijo! �C�mo le hiciste?”

“Fue muy sencillo, busqu� a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Ad�n”.

“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo… es m�s, no cuenta”.

Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Ad�n, y los mete en un cuarto en el que �nicamente se pod�an ver siluetas por la falta de luz.

Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.

Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Ad�n a un lado.

“Aqu� est� Ad�n de nuevo, �ahora s� puedo pasar?”

“�Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada m�s dime: �c�mo le hiciste para encontrarlo?”

“Muy f�cil, entr� al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: �Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El �nico que no brinc� a golpearme fue �l”.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.; “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

La rastra es un tipo de cintur�n que usan los argentinos y est� de una piel tan suave como culo de princesa; est� adornada con todo lo que sea valioso: medallas, monedas antiguas y de oro, y as� por el estilo. Por lo que las rastras son muy caras; entre m�s vieja sea la rastra m�s valiosa y entre m�s adornos tenga m�s cara.

Pues hab�a un tipo que ten�a una rastra muy fregona y ah� iba montado en su caballo:

“Tucutu tucutu tucutu…”

Iba por las Pampas y como ya estaba cayendo el sol se dijo:

“Aqu� voy a hacer un alto”.

Y entonces hizo un alto, par� a su caballo, se acost� y se durmi�. Al d�a siguiente, cuando despert�, la rastra ya no estaba… Se levant� r�pido, cogi� su caballo y se fue veloz al pr�ximo pueblo y lleg� directo a la cantina; afuera dej� su caballo, se meti� y �zaz!, vio a un gaucho hijo de su Pink Floyd con la rastra de �l puesta.

Furioso se acerc� al ladr�n; se par� junto a �l y le dijo:

“Linda rastra”.

“Oh s�, linda, �eh? Linda de verdad”.

“Oiga �y debe de ser cara?”

“Car�sima, mi linda rastra”.

“Oiga �y las monedas son aut�nticas?”

“Y bueno, claro que son aut�nticas”.

“Como la puta que lo pari�, que rastra, linda… Oiga �y usted la compr�?”

“Oh, y bueno, yo no tengo dinero para comprar una cosa de �stas”.

“Pues �y entonces?”

“Pues se la rob� a un pendejo que estaba dormido en el camino… �y todav�a me lo cog� al puto!”

Y dice el otro:

“Linda rastra… Linda…”

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough.

It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it?

A death.

What’s that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backward.

You should die first, get it out of the way.

Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, and you get ready for high school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…

and you finish off as an orgasm.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, ‘Did you hear that Fluffy died?’ The guy stammers and says, ‘Um…no…um…what happened?’. The neighbor replies, ‘We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!’

A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere! A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money are soon popular. A fool and his money is my kind of customer! If money’s the root of all evil, why do churches want it? All I ask is to prove that money can’t make me happy. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH! Even the blind can see money. Expert – Someone who knows less, but makes more money. It’s not the money I want, it’s the stuff. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. Money burns a hole in my pocket…how about yours? Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it. Money is the root of all bills. Money may buy “friendship,” but it cannot buy love. Money Talks – and it usually says NO!! Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money. This country has the best politicians money can buy. Time and Money. Two things we don’t have enough of…. Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory. Visit your money this year – vacation in Washington D.C. When money talks, it usually says “Bend over.” You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back! Alimony? …sounds kind like all yer money No one kills over drugs … They kill over money. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

When you’re having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.

what is the most racest thing int the world?
a sprinkler……….spick spick spick spick, chink, nigger nigger niger nigger.

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.

He yells down to him, but he can’t hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language.

He points at his eye meaning “I”, points at his knee meaning “need”, and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,” What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!”

The other guy says,” I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I’m
coming.”

I recently went to the doctor for a check-up, he checked me out thoroughly doing various tests, etc. He then went back to his table and sat down.”I’m prescribing these pills for you,” he then said, scribbling some weird name on the prescription pad, “I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time.”

One day a blind man came into a restaruant. A waiter came to him and asked “Would you like a menu, sir?”.

The man said “No thanks but if you bring me a dirty fork I’ll tell you what I want.”

So the waiter brings him a dirty fork and the blind man sniffs it. Then he said “bring me the meatloaf and mashed potatos”. So the waiter brings him meatloaf and mashed potatos.

The next day the same blind guy comes in. The waiter doesn’t recognize him and asks if he would like a menu. The blind man says, “No but if you bring me a dirty fork I’ll tell you what I want.”

So the waiter brings him a dirty fork. The man sniffs it and says “I’d like the lasagna with extra cheese please”. So the waiter brings him the lasagna.

The next day the blind man comes in and the waiter recognizes him. The waiter says “Let me guess you want a dirty fork, right?”and the blind man says “Yes I would.”.

The waiter gets a clean fork and rubs it on a waitresses privates. The waiter brings it to the blind man and he sniffs it.

Then the blind man says, “Hey!! I didn’t know Mary worked here!!”