Category: other

Una pareja est� celebrando su luna de miel y deciden ir a un hotel elegante de cinco estrellas. Lo particular de esta pareja es que la novia era de China y el marido a�n no hablaba bien el idioma de su mujer.

Lleg� la gran noche esperada por la pareja y se pusieron a hacerlo, de repente en medio acto la esposa empieza a gritar “�CHINZO! �CHINZO! �CHINZO!”

El novio, suponiendo que era un grito de placer, le puso m�s ganas al asunto.

A la ma�ana siguiente el ahora esposo fue a jugar golf muy temprano con unos amigos. Cuando se acercaron al quinto hoyo se toparon con un grupo de chinos que igual que ellos jugaban golf. De repente uno de los chinos grita “�CHINZO!”. El esposo record� los gritos de su mujer y le pregunt� a uno de sus acompa�antes si sab�a lo que significaba CHINZO. El amigo cordialmente se vuelve y le contesta:

“Claro que s� el significado de esa palabra, los chinos la usan cuando se equivocan de HOYO.”

How to identify a Canadian driver:

1. – One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. – Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO

5. – Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

6. – One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

7. – One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: RED DEER

8. – Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

9. – Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

10. – One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.

He says to the Irishman, “you’re in charge of Sweeping,I want this whole area swept up before I get back”.

He says to the Italian, “You’re in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away.”

He says to the Chinaman, “You’re in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back.”

Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, “I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared.” The Italian says “And I couldn’t find a shovel”.

So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then,the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams “SUPPLIES!!”

You might be stupid if…….you can’t remember how to spell I.Q….you can’t remember the number for 911…you just discovered that your AM radio also works in the afternoon…you use correction fluid on your PC monitor…you fail Physical Education…you cannot spell “it”…you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!…you put braille on a drive up teller machine…you think Taco Bell is a mexican phone company…you think pigpen is something to write with…you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles…you use your cd-rom unit as a drink holder…you frequently misspell your name…you’ve ever been stuck in a toilet seat…you walk your kid to school because you are in the same grade!…it takes you 2 hours to watch 60 minutes…you often wonder who Ronald McDonalds parents are….you sell your car for gas money…you think hamburger helper comes with a man…you try thinking and nothing happens!!!…you think a quarterback is a refund……you think hot dogs are real meat….people nick-name you Homer……you cook minute rice for an hour…upon approaching a traffic sign that says “STOP AHEAD”, you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head….you lose $25 on a horse race and another $25 on the instant replay!…you were the one testing out the shark bite suit…you get tangled up in a cordless phone…you need to be reminded to breathe…someone tells you to call 911, and you can’t find the 11…you take a donut back because there is a hole in it……you stare at the orange juice because it says concentrate…you have to look stupid up in the dictionary…you sit on the tv and watch the couch…you tell your wife not to laugh as you point the gun to your head ’cause she’s next!…you think yogi bear played for the Yankees…you list the police department as a reference on a resume…you get fired from volunteer work…you can’t find the “any” key on the keyboard…you turn the light on to see if its dark…you take your chia pet for a walk……you wear your glasses while looking for them

There are 2 talking ducks in a bath tub
one duck is lathering his hair and the
other duck says “Pass the shampoo”
the aother duck says “What do I a look
like a typewriter”?

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, ‘Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse.’ ‘But Father, I have a divine right,’ she informs. ‘Yes, I see. And your left one isn’t bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!’ he insists.

Manolo y Pepe quer�an cruzar el Canal de la Mancha nadando, 40 Km m�s o menos. Salen de Francia y a los 10 Kilometros Manolo dice:

“Pepe, no doy m�s.”

“Sigue Manolo, que despues estamos en los Records Guinnes.”

A los 20 Km dice:

“No doy m�s Pepe, no doy m�s.”

“Sigue, sigue, que ya hicimos la mitad.”

Y as� siguen. Cuando faltaban 100 metros para llegar Manolo le dice:

“No, Pepe, yo ya no siento las piernas. Perd�name, pero yo me vuelvo.”

John: Were you wearing pants when you were born?

Joe: I think so. Why do you ask?

John: It would explain why the first thing people see when they look at you is an asshole!

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews

“I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:” I’m usually on Prozac.
When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

“I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:” I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:” I’ve
used Microsoft Office.

“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:” I pilfer office supplies.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:” I hope you don’t ask
me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:” I blame others for my mistakes.

“I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED:” I’ll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

“I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:” I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.

“I’M PERSONABLE:” I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.

“I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:” As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:” I carry a Day-Timer.

“MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:” You’re probably
looking for someone more experienced.

“I AM ADAPTABLE:” I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO:” I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:” The minute I find a better job.
I’m outta there.

“I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:” I’m a college drop-out.

“I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:” I’ve been accused of
sexual harassment.

“THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:” Wait! Don’t throw me away!

“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:” Like, I’m gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.

Estaban en un coche una vieja, una chica que estaba muy bien, un argentino y un brasile�o. El coche entr� en un t�nel muy obscuro. Se escuch� un beso y en seguida el sonido de una cachetada.

La vieja penso: “Qu� car�cter el de esta chica. Uno de los dos muchachos la bes�, y ella le di� una cachetada.”

La chica pens�: “Uno de los muchachos intent� besarme, acab� besando a la vieja y le di� una cachetada.”

El argentino pens�: “�Qu� azar! El brasile�o di� un beso a la chica y quien se llevo la
cachetada fui yo.”

El brasile�o: “�C�mo soy despierto! �Di un beso en la espalda de mi mano y di una cachetada al argentino!”
(Zdena)

The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said, “Hey God, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.” God replied, “Well I have always liked good news before bad so …” The Pope responded, “Well we finally have been able to unite all the known religions on Earth under one name.” God says, “Well that is just great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?” “We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City.”