Category: other

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”

The old man says, “What?”

So the doctor says it again.

Once again the old man says, “what?”

So the doctor yells it, “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”

Beny y Berny eran una pareja de maricas. Beny decide dar una sorpresa a Berny y para ello se tat�a dos bes en el trasero (B B), una en cada nalga.

Cuando llega Berny, �ste s�lo tiene ganas de liarse a Beny. Beny le dice que se espere, que tiene una sorpresa para �l. Pero Berny no espera y le da por detr�s.

Cuando termina, Berny melosamente le pregunta a Beny que cu�l era la sorpresa que le ten�a preparada. Beny agach�ndose con picard�a le dice: “mira mi trasero, �qu� te parece?”

Y Berny intrigado le interroga: “�Bob? �Qui�n es Bob?”

A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?”

“Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.”

“So I can’t dance with my own wife?”

“No”

“Well okay,” says the man, “but what about sex?”

“Fine,” says the rabbi. “A mitzvah within the marriage!”

“What about different positions?” the man asks.

“No problem.” says the rabbi

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Why not?” replies the rabbi.

“How about doggie-style?”

“Of course!”

“Well, what about standing up?”

“NO!” says the rabbi… “Could lead to dancing!”

A man fell asleep on the beach one day while laying on his back. When he woke up, his legs were blood red and starting to blister. He went to the emergency room. The doctor stuck him with so many needles, he passed out. When the nurse was looking over his chart, she noticed he was given morphine, hydrocortisone, and viagra. Curious, she asked the doctor what the viagra was for. He said, “Oh, well he’s got morphine for pain, hyforcortisone for his blisters. The Viagra is to keep the sheet off his legs as not to cause anymore irratation then neccessary.”

Un soldado va a una tienda atendida por una viejecita. El militar se dirige a la anciana:

“Se�ora, de casualidad, �no tuviera un taladro que me pueda prestar?”

“�C�mo para qu�?”

“Es que mi casco tiene una rajadura y quiero hacerle un hueco para que la rajadura no se corra”.

“�Ah, despu�s de tantos a�os, ya s� porqu� tenemos el culo: para que la concha no se nos corra hasta la nuca!”

Some more terms for the TECHNO OFFICE DICTIONARYPerot To quit unexpectedly, as in ‘My cellular phone just perot’ed.’CLM (Career-Limiting Move) Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Treeware Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.Dead Tree Edition The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: ‘The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…’ Dilberted To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. ‘I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.’ World Wide Wait The real meaning of WWW.CGI Joe A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. Dorito Syndrome Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. ‘I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.’ Under Mouse Arrest Getting busted for violating an on-line service’s rule of conduct. ‘Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.’ Glazing Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. ‘Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?’ Graybar Land The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). ‘I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.’ Open-Collar Workers People who work at home or telecommute.Squirt The Bird To transmit a signal up to a satellite. ‘Crew and talent are ready… what time do we squirt the bird?’ Cobweb Site A World Wide Web Site that hasn’t been updated for a long time. A dead web page. It’s a Feature From the adage ‘It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.’ Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Keyboard Plaque The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. ‘Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.’ Adminisphere The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Gray Matter Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established. Salmon Day The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. 404 Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message, ‘404 Not Found’, meaning the requested document couldn’t be located. ‘Don’t bother asking him, he’s 404’. 411 Information, to provide information, or to point someone in the right direction. From the telephone number to phone company information lines. ‘Thanks for the 411’

An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make.She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match.On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, “I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick.”The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, “Yes dear, but it was much harder!”

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, “What are you in here for?”The other says, “Circumcision.”The first boy says “Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

yo mommas so dumb, she tried to drown a fish

oooooo i know..stupid

Q:What does a pop machine and monica have in common?A:They both say insert bill here!

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred “I’ll die for you!”The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked: “How many times?”

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

“I’m lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers .

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!”

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. “How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t replied the hooker, “but I thought you might want to open those beers first.”