Category: other

“A number of different approaches are being tried.”
(We are still grasping at straws.)

“Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.”
(We are so far behind schedule the customer should be happy
just to get it delivered.)

“Test results were extremely gratifying.”
(We were so surprised that the stupid thing worked.)

“The entire concept will have to be abandoned.”
(The only person who understood the thing, quit.)

“We’ll look into it.”
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

“Please read and initial.”
(Let’s spread the responsibility around for the mistakes.)

“Rugged.”
(Too heavy to lift!)

“Lightweight.”
(Lighter than rugged.)

“Energy saving.”
(When the power switch is off.)

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, “mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow.”The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, “did you mark that spot?” His friend replied, “Yeah, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”The first one said, “You fool! What if we don’t get that same boat today!?!?”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”The man says, “Yep, sure do.”Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?””Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.

After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn’t matter much, so could I see yours?”

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

“May I touch them?” The nun allows him to.

The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks “Father, I have never seen a man’s penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.

“May I touch it?” After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, “you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!”

“Is that right” the nun replies?

“Yes.”

“Then why don’t you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!”

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Una pareja de sordomudos estaban reci�n casados, y quer�an dejar las cosas en claro desde el principio. En su primer noche juntos conversan a se�as, y la mujer le dice al marido: “Querido, cuando quieras hacer el amor, me tomas mi pecho izquierdo, y si no quieres hacerlo, s�lo me tomas el derecho.”

El marido responde, “Perfecto, ahora d�jame decirte que cuando t� quieras hacer el amor, me tomas mi “cosa”, y la jalas una vez, pero si no quieres hacerlo, me tomas de mi “cosa”, y la jalas 50 veces.”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!”

A foursome of men in their eighties was playing a round of golf. As they were approaching the 12th hole a funeral procession rode by the course. One man stopped, faced the procession, took off his hat and placed it over his heart. After the last car passed by, the man put his hat back on and continued on the course. One of his buddies piped up and said,”That was a very nice thing to do.”

The man replied, “It was the least I could do for my wife of 60 years!”

One day a middle-aged Jewish man named Leo hears from his son attending
university. “I’ve decided to become a Christian, Dad.”

Leo panics. “What do I do?” he asks himself. The only thing he can think to do
is call his rabbi.

“Funny you should come to me with this problem, Leo,” says the rabbi. “Not 2
years ago my son comes to me with the same speech. I had no idea what to do. I
panicked, and the only thing I could think to do was go to God.”

“What message do you think you got from God?” asks Leo.

The rabbi laughed. “God said to me, funny you should come to me with this
problem …'”

Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:

“�Cu�l es tu nombre, hijo?”

“Soy Bond, James Bond”.

“S�, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aqu� lo tienes que demostrar”.

“�Qu� desea que haga?”

“Mira, d�jame aqu� en la puerta una identificaci�n y p�sale a buscar a Ad�n; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond”.

Pasan unos minutos y �ste llega con Ad�n de la mano.

“Bueno, aqu� tiene a Ad�n”.

“�C�mo lo encontraste entre tantos?”, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.

“Muy f�cil, s�lo busqu� al �nico hombre que no tiene ombligo”, le responde con su t�pica flema inglesa.

“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta”.

Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Ad�n al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.

A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Ad�n:

“Aqu� est� de nuevo”.

“�Puta, hijo! �C�mo le hiciste?”

“Fue muy sencillo, busqu� a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Ad�n”.

“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo… es m�s, no cuenta”.

Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Ad�n, y los mete en un cuarto en el que �nicamente se pod�an ver siluetas por la falta de luz.

Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.

Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Ad�n a un lado.

“Aqu� est� Ad�n de nuevo, �ahora s� puedo pasar?”

“�Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada m�s dime: �c�mo le hiciste para encontrarlo?”

“Muy f�cil, entr� al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: �Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El �nico que no brinc� a golpearme fue �l”.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.; “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

La rastra es un tipo de cintur�n que usan los argentinos y est� de una piel tan suave como culo de princesa; est� adornada con todo lo que sea valioso: medallas, monedas antiguas y de oro, y as� por el estilo. Por lo que las rastras son muy caras; entre m�s vieja sea la rastra m�s valiosa y entre m�s adornos tenga m�s cara.

Pues hab�a un tipo que ten�a una rastra muy fregona y ah� iba montado en su caballo:

“Tucutu tucutu tucutu…”

Iba por las Pampas y como ya estaba cayendo el sol se dijo:

“Aqu� voy a hacer un alto”.

Y entonces hizo un alto, par� a su caballo, se acost� y se durmi�. Al d�a siguiente, cuando despert�, la rastra ya no estaba… Se levant� r�pido, cogi� su caballo y se fue veloz al pr�ximo pueblo y lleg� directo a la cantina; afuera dej� su caballo, se meti� y �zaz!, vio a un gaucho hijo de su Pink Floyd con la rastra de �l puesta.

Furioso se acerc� al ladr�n; se par� junto a �l y le dijo:

“Linda rastra”.

“Oh s�, linda, �eh? Linda de verdad”.

“Oiga �y debe de ser cara?”

“Car�sima, mi linda rastra”.

“Oiga �y las monedas son aut�nticas?”

“Y bueno, claro que son aut�nticas”.

“Como la puta que lo pari�, que rastra, linda… Oiga �y usted la compr�?”

“Oh, y bueno, yo no tengo dinero para comprar una cosa de �stas”.

“Pues �y entonces?”

“Pues se la rob� a un pendejo que estaba dormido en el camino… �y todav�a me lo cog� al puto!”

Y dice el otro:

“Linda rastra… Linda…”