What do you call a dirty old man who lives in a box?
Your dad!
Category: other
M.J. Vs Carrier bag
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.
Getting Things Done
Three ways to get something done:1) Hire someone to do it2) Do it yourself3) Forbid your children to do it
Supermarket Sweepstakes
There was once a man who loved to go shopping for food. This
man was not very clever though. So one day when he was at Stop &
Shop there was a notice about a sweepstakes. It said:
THE ONE WHO GETS THE FRESHEST CHICKEN WINS!
Now this man had no idea what the priza was, but when the day of
the contest came he was ready to win.
“And first prize goes to…FREDDIE CROCKER!” That was not the
man. You see the man, being stupid, brought in an alive chicken!
Not bad huh?
A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, “Open the safe!”
“But this is not a real bank,” the woman replies “it’s a sperm bank.”
“Open the safe or I’ll shoot!” the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
“Now take one of the bottles and drink it”, he says.
“But sir, these are sperm samples!” the woman replies.
“Just drink it or I’ll shoot!”
The woman opens the bottle and drinks it. “Now take another bottle and drink it!”
“But sir, I just drank one.”
“Drink another one or I will shoot you!”
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
“Now you see, honey”, he says, “it isn’t so difficult now is it!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Un lanchero acapulque�o va caminando
Un lanchero acapulque�o va caminando por la playa, en eso, ve venir a una rubia escultural y le piropea a su modo:
“�Mamacita, qu� chichotas! �Qu� nalgotas! �Qu� piernotas!”
La rubia, molesta, se vuelve y le lanza:
“�Prieto! �Peludo! �Apestoso!”
El coste�o, muy enojado, anuncia:
“Mamacita, si es adivinanza, es el culo; pero si te refieres a m�… �Chinga tu madre!”
Sex Lecture
The dean of women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
Special ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”.
Blonde State of Mind
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, “Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!” Her friend said, “O.K. then, what’s the capital of France?” The blonde replied, “Oh, that’s so easy! F.”
Poor
You so poor yo roaches share beds.
Satans Sister
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”The man says, “Yep, sure do.”Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?””Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
Camels ass
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.
After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn’t matter much, so could I see yours?”
The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
“May I touch them?” The nun allows him to.
The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks “Father, I have never seen a man’s penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
“May I touch it?” After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, “you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!”
“Is that right” the nun replies?
“Yes.”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!”