Category: other

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

Tres amigos van al burdel y solicitan:

“Queremos tres mujeres”.

“S�lo tenemos dos disponibles”, informa el encargado.

“Pues al tonto �ste dele una mu�eca hinchable”.

Al d�a siguiente, los tres comentan sus experiencias:

“La m�a era de lo mejor”, presume el primero.

“�La m�a c�mo bailaba el polvo horizontal!” alardea el segundo.

“�Pues la m�a era bruja: le mord� una teta y sali� volando!”, afirma el tonto.

why did the white girl do a mexican…..the teacher told her to do an essay

Q: How many roket scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?A: If they’re smart enough, they’ll figure out how to size their number down to nine.

Una mujer que se encuentra en la cama con su amante, advierte que su esposo est� llegando y r�pidamente mete al gal�n bajo la cama.

“Hola, amor ya llegu�”, saluda el marido.

“Estoy cansada. Vamos a dormir”, dice la mujer, coloc�ndose en la parte de la cama que tiene un agujero en el colch�n.

Aprovechando el orificio, el amante mete el miembro hasta acerc�rselo a la mujer.

“�Ah, ah!”, grita la mujer excitada.

“�Qu� pasa, amor?”, pregunta intrigado el consorte.

“Nada, es el fr�o”.

Despu�s de unos minutos, nuevamente la mujer grita:

“�Ah, ah!”

“�Qu� pasa, amor?”, pregunta nuevamente el marido.

“Nada, es el fr�o”.

“Creo que mejor me cambio a tu lado, amor”, sugiere el tipo.

El amante, sin saber nada de lo ocurrido, repite la acci�n.

“Ah, ah, este fr�o si que parte el culo!”, grita el esposo.

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food
establishment…

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?

Self-employed.

There are two things I just can’t stand, racial prejudice and Negroes.

Entra un mero macho mexicano a un bar y le ordena al barman:

“�CANTINERO, SIRVEME UN TEQUILA!”

Despu�s del trago se voltea y le dice a todos los que estaban en el bar: �ME CAGO EN TODOS USTEDES, MENOS EN EL ENANO ESTE QUE EST� AQU�!”

El enano se sorprende y no dice nada.

El tipo pide otro tequila y despu�s de haberselo bebido repite: “�ME CAGO EN TODOS USTEDES MENOS EN EL ENANO ESTE QUE EST� AQU�!”

El enano ya va poniendo cara de sobrado.

Despu�s de 13 tequilas y el macho repitiendo la frase que ven�a diciendo, el enano estaba todo sobrado y tamb�n empez� a joder a la gente.

Una de las personas que se encontraba en el bar, molesto por la actitud del enano y del macho le preg�nta a �ste:

“�Y POR QU� TE CAGAS EN TODOS NOSOTROS MENOS EN EL ENANO �SE?”

Y responde el macho:

“�PORQUE CON EL ENANO ME LIMPIO EL CULO!”

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All were keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started “Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained “By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, ‘You wanna screwdriver?’He says, “Hell, We might as well. I can’t get this freaking hubcap off.”

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?

One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.