Category: other

Meloso, el novio le susurra a la novia:

“Mi amor, cuando nos casemos te comprar� un castillo para tenerte como a una reina”.

Arrobada, ella le contesta:

“�Mejor c�mprame un manicomio para que me tires como a una loca!”

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. Women’s Washroom, Sakatoon, SK

A young indian wants to learn how indians get their names so he
goes to chief sitting bull and asks him,
“Where do we get our names ?” to which the chief replies, “When
child is born chief go out of teepee and first thing chief sees
child named. If chief sees swooping hawk child named swooping
hawk, if chief sees a running bear then child named running
bear, so tell me Two Dogs Fucking why do u ask?”

The Bill of No RightsWe, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bedwetters.We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.ARTICLE I:You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.ARTICLE II:You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots and probably always will be, if there’s people like you in it.ARTICLE III:You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.ARTICLE IV:You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.ARTICLE V:You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in public health care.ARTICLE VI:You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.ARTICLE VII:You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.ARTICLE VIII:You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like; however, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world, and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.ARTICLE IX:You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.ARTICLE X:You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.

On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

The Polak replies, “Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket.”

En la escuela, la maestra pregunta le pregunta a Pepito:

“�Qui�n fue la primer mujer en el mundo?”

�ste se queda espiritifl�utico sin saber que responder, cuando el compa�ero de al lado le dice en voz baja:

“La primer mujer en el mundo fue Eva”.

R�pido, Pepito responde: “Ya s� maestra, la primer mujer en el mundo fue Eva”.

La maestra se da cuenta que alguien le susurr� la respuesta y pregunta:

“�Qui�n se la sopl�?”

“�Pues Ad�n!”, contesta de inmediato Pepito.

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew’s foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some
shovels…just lean on each other until they arrive.”

An old couple were sitting on there porch— both around 85 years old. After a while the old man stands up and puts on his jacket. The old lady says:”Where are you going?” and the old man replies:”I’m gonna go to the doctor’s and get me some of that Viagra stuff they be sellin'”The old woman sits for a minute, then stands up and puts on her jacket. The old man says:”And where are you going?” and the old lady replies:”I’m gonna go to the doctor’s and get me a tetnus shot if you think you gonna stick that rusty thing in me”~submitted by drewie*

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

Tres amigos van al burdel y solicitan:

“Queremos tres mujeres”.

“S�lo tenemos dos disponibles”, informa el encargado.

“Pues al tonto �ste dele una mu�eca hinchable”.

Al d�a siguiente, los tres comentan sus experiencias:

“La m�a era de lo mejor”, presume el primero.

“�La m�a c�mo bailaba el polvo horizontal!” alardea el segundo.

“�Pues la m�a era bruja: le mord� una teta y sali� volando!”, afirma el tonto.

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up
to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
“No, not worth it!”
“OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?”
“No, not worth it!”
“OK, 20?”
“No, not worth it!”
“How about 10?”
“No, not worth it!”
“Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth
it?”
“Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.”

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: “I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter: “Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!”