Category: other

Un matrimonio va por la calle y encuentran con un amigo que se dirige al marido:

“�Hola, Paco! �Qu� tal est�s?

“Mal, Pedro, tengo un SIDA terrible. El m�dico me ha dado tres meses de vida”.

El amigo se despide r�pidamente y se va todo acongojado. La mujer le recrimina al marido:

“�Pero, Paco! �C�mo le dices a la gente que tienes SIDA, si lo que tienes en realidad es c�ncer de pulm�n?”

“Yo me voy a morir, pero contigo nadie se acuesta…”

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your rear look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘AAAGH! MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King

9. Follow patrons of Border’s around while reading aloud from ‘The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook.’

10. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

11. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

12. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

13. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

14. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

15. Patiently stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

16. Sprint up the down escalator.

17. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.

18. Ask sales personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

19. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

20. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

21. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Toilette.

22. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

23. Leave the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes on, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

24. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’.

25. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they sell ‘any giant things made out of straw’.

26. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

27. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

28. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

29. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say, “Domino’s, at your service!”

30. If it’s summer, go into the toy store and ask where all the beach balls are hidden!

WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO ??? > > > >It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the > >kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. > >The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.” > >The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.” > >Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease > >dancer in a cabaret for gay men.” > >The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school > >yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true > >that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. > >He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, > >and I was just too embarrassed to say so.” > >

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.”

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, “I’d like to have one too.”

Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.”

He said, “You must have been quite a kid!”

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.”

He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, “Every room in the place is for sex.”

I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”

The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.

“But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.”

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.”

The judge said, “Me too.”

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?”

I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?”

I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely,”

And the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend, so get yourself a dog.”

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy
Birthday” and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say “Good
Morning”, let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for
you. The children will remember. “The children came down to breakfast and didn’t
say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy
Birthday.” I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon,
then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know it is such a beautiful day
outside and it is your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said,
“By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know it is such a
beautiful day; we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I
guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think
I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure,” I
excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came
out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of
our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday…….and there I sat on the
couch…….naked.

Estaba el novio en la casa de su novia, cuando la comienza a besar y tocar por todas partes y cuando intenta sacarle la ropa, ella le dice:

“Hasta que no estemos casados, nada.”

“Pero mi amor, sabes que no tengo dinero, no encuentro trabajo, casarnos cuesta mucho dinero.”

“Bueno, pero hace dos a�os que me tienes a cuento o te casas o no te doy nada de nada.”

El novio muy apesadumbrado y cachondo se va para la casa.

Cuando sale se encuentra una cabra pastando y se le subi� toda la calentura a la cabeza, va de atr�s se la ensarta y se agarra de los cuernos.

En eso la cabra al sentir tal envi�n, sale corriendo como loca y se pone a dar vueltas alrededor de la casa.

En eso se asoma la nova a la ventana y los ve y dice:

“�Pero qu� hijo de puta, plata para casarse no tiene, pero anda en moto nueva!”

A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, “When you
die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My
Wife–Cold As Ever.'”

“Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband–Stiff At Last.'”

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols.

He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off.

He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.

He was so excited! He walked up and said, “Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you.” “Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?”

Billy looked him over and said, “Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?”

Marvin looked around the room and said, “See that piano player over there?” He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player’s shirt.

Billy said, “Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter’s got to be able to shoot with both hands.”

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player’s other cufflink.

Billy said, “That’s mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you.”

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, “What is it? What else should I do?”

Billy spoke slowly, “Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick.”

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, “Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?”

Billy replied, “It won’t help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he’s going to shove both of your pistols up your ass.”

El otro d�a mi abuela me escribi� una carta que dec�a textualmente as�:

Querido nieto:

El otro d�a tuve una experiencia religiosa muy buena, que quer�a compartir contigo. Fui a la librer�a cristiana y all� encontr� una calcoman�a para el auto que dec�a:

“Toc� bocina si amas a Dios”.

Dado que hab�a tenido un d�a muy malo, decid� comprarla y pegarla en el paragolpes de mi auto. Al salir manejando, llegu� a un cruce de dos avenidas que estaba muy complicado, con muchos autos. La temperatura exterior era de 37 grados y era la hora de salida de las oficinas. All� me qued� parada, porque la luz estaba roja, pensando en el Se�or y como El es bueno, no me d� cuenta que la luz se hab�a puesto verde, pero descubr� que muchos otros aman al Se�or porque inmediatamente comenzaron a sonar las bocinas. La persona que estaba detr�s de mi auto (sin duda muy religiosa) tocaba la bocina sin parar y me gritaba:

– Dale por el amor de Dios.

Dirigidos por �l, todos hac�an sonar la bocina. Yo les sonre� y los saludaba con la mano a trav�s de la ventanilla. Vi que otro muchacho me saludaba de una manera particular levantando s�lo el dedo medio de la mano. Le pregunt� a otro de mis nietos, que estaba conmigo, que quer�a decir ese saludo, contest�ndome que era un saludo Hawaiano de buena onda. Entonces yo saqu� mi mano por la ventana y salud� a todos de la misma manera.

Mi nieto se doblaba de la risa, supongo que por la bella “experiencia religiosa” que estaba viviendo. Dos hombres de un auto cercano, se bajaron y comenzaron a caminar hacia mi auto, creo que para rezar conmigo o para preguntarme a que templo voy.

Pero en ese momento fue que vi que la luz estaba verde. Entonces salud� a todos mis hermanos y hermanas y pas� la luz. Luego de cruzar, not� que el �nico auto que hab�a podido pasar era el m�o, ya que la luz volvi� a ponerse en rojo y me sent� triste de dejarlos all� despu�s de todo el amor que hab�amos compartido.

Por lo tanto par� el auto, me baj�, salud� a todos con el saludo hawaiano por �ltima vez y me fui. Ruego a Dios por todos esos buenos hombres y mujeres.

Besos, tu abuela.

Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the
bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim, the janitor, comes over
and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to
take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even
catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father
Larry insist and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look
up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the
booth.

The first sinner comes in and says ‘Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my
mother’ Jim thumbs through the book and finds ‘cursing at mother’. Jim reads the
note and tells the sinner to say two Hail Mary�s and they are forgiven.

A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says ‘Father I have
sinned, I cheated on my test’. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells
the sinner to say three “our Father’s” and they will be forgiven.

Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner
walks in and say ‘Father please forgive me, I have sinned.’ Jim says ‘My son,
What have you done’ The sinner replies ‘I have had anal sex’ Jim, feeling very
comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he
checks again, but sure enough they is nothing for anal sex. Jim starts to get
worried and then he notices little Billy playing out back. Jim calls out to
Billy ‘hey Billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?’

Bill shouts back ‘Two Twinkies and a coke!

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?”

“Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”

She nods.

“Well, it’s just like that.”

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“Take your thumb off the end!!”

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local emergency room
and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions the patient’s
long-haired colleagues. ”So what was he doing then?” asks the physician.
”Acid? Cannabis?” ”Sort of,” replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing
his caftan. ”But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.” ”And
what was in that?” asks the doctor. ”Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend’s
spice rack.” says the hippie. ”There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a
little paprika.” ”Well, that explains it,” the doctor replies, looking at
them gravely. ”He is in a Korma.”