Category: other

Entra un tipo a un burdel y se dirige a la madama:

“Buenas tardes, �me podr�a dar informaci�n?”

“Claro que s�, mire, tenemos en oferta a Shannon, lo llamamos el ‘paquete ingl�s’, que incluye 2 horas continuas, striptease personal, botella de champa�a en la habitaci�n y propinas, todo por 1,500 d�lares”.

“Este… En realidad estaba buscando algo m�s econ�mico”.

“Bien, tenemos entonces el ‘paquete carioca’: una hora con Marlene; lambada privada; una botella de caipirinha y propinas, todo por �nicamente 850 d�lares”.

“�Y no tiene algo m�s barato?”

“Por 100 d�lares, le ofrezco a Lupita en el ‘paquete mexicano’: una copa de tequila; 15 minutos m�ximo y usted paga el cuarto”.

“Mire, la verdad es que s�lo traigo 10 d�lares”.

“�Por qu� no me lo dijo antes! En ese caso tenemos para usted el ‘paquete flamenco'”.

“�Y �se en que consiste?”

“�Usted se la jala y nosotras le aplaudimos!”

This guy calls his wife at work and says, “Don’t worry I’m fine and the damage is minimal.”She says “Oh my gosh, what happened?”He says, “that he was coming back from lunch & a bird hit his car windshield.””How much damage did it do?” she asked.”Minimal, however I did get a ticket.””A ticket how did you get that?””Well I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket.””What for?” she asked, “damaging his windshield?””No, flipping him the bird!!!!”

The pope’s funeral continues. They keep coming up with these new facts all the time.

I was watching it today, and they said that the Vatican, just today, released the pope’s will to the public.

I didn’t know that he had a will. The surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology.

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK … you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK…you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON…the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.

IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you can’t even speak to your family.

IN PRISON…the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK…they are called managers.

La siguiente historia demuestra que hay que cerciorarse de las direcciones de correo electr�nico antes de enviar uno, para evitar malos entendidos o males mayores.

Un hombre dej� las nevadas calles de Chicago para pasar unas felices vacaciones en la soleada Florida.

Su esposa estaba en viaje de negocios y hab�an planeado encontrarse en Miami al d�a siguiente.

Cuando el hombre lleg� al hotel, despu�s de haber pasado el d�a en la playa bajo los cocoteros y harto de refrescos tropicales, decidi� enviar a su mujer un e-mail para contarle las maravillas del lugar.

Como no encontr� el papelito donde ten�a apuntada la direcci�n, se arriesg� a tirar de memoria y rezar para que fuera correcto.

Pero, por desgracia, se equivoc� en una letra y el mensaje se dirigi� hacia la esposa de un pastor protestante que hab�a muerto el d�a anterior.

Por la noche, esta mujer decidi� leer el correo para ver las condolencias que hab�a recibido; cuando mir� el monitor dio un respingo, peg� un grito y cay� tiesa, muerta al suelo.

Al o�r el grito sus familiares corrieron a donde se encontraba y leyeron lo siguiente en el correo que mostraba el monitor:

Querida esposa:

Acabo de llegar. Fue un largo viaje hasta aqu�, aunque merece la pena; todo es precioso, con muchos �rboles, jardines, fiestas. A pesar de llevar pocas horas aqu� ya me estoy sintiendo como en casa. Ahora me voy a descansar.

S�lo quiero decirte que ya habl� con toda la gente y tienen lista tu llegada aqu� a lo largo de ma�ana.

Estoy seguro de que tambi�n te va a gustar mucho.

Besos de tu eterno y amoroso marido.

P.D. �Prep�rate porque aqu� hace un calor infernal!

Big Daddy’s Rap – The Lord’s Prayer

Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven

You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come You be sayin’ it, I be doin’ it – Thy will be
done

In this here hood and yo’s – On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin’ it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass
against us
Don’t be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation and keep
dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil ‘Cause you always be da Man – For
thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 95 per cent.It’s called wedding cake.

Estaba el novio en la casa de su novia, cuando la comienza a besar y tocar por todas partes y cuando intenta sacarle la ropa, ella le dice:

“Hasta que no estemos casados, nada.”

“Pero mi amor, sabes que no tengo dinero, no encuentro trabajo, casarnos cuesta mucho dinero.”

“Bueno, pero hace dos a�os que me tienes a cuento o te casas o no te doy nada de nada.”

El novio muy apesadumbrado y cachondo se va para la casa.

Cuando sale se encuentra una cabra pastando y se le subi� toda la calentura a la cabeza, va de atr�s se la ensarta y se agarra de los cuernos.

En eso la cabra al sentir tal envi�n, sale corriendo como loca y se pone a dar vueltas alrededor de la casa.

En eso se asoma la nova a la ventana y los ve y dice:

“�Pero qu� hijo de puta, plata para casarse no tiene, pero anda en moto nueva!”

Esta era una competencia de nataci�n muy especial, pues se trataba de ver quien nadaba 100 metros sin que lo devoraran los cocodrilos que estaban dentro de la alberca.

Entra un japon�s y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 metros, y se lo engullen los cocodrilos.

Sigue el franc�s y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 metros, y los cocodrilos lo devoran.

Despu�s de eso, nadie se atrev�a a participar, por lo que a trav�s de altoparlantes solicitaban m�s participantes.

“�Qu� tenemos aqu�? Un mexicano”, dice el anunciador, y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 metros.

“Bueno tenemos un ganador”, anuncian. “�Algo que quiera decir al p�blico?”, entrevistan al atleta.

�Qu� chingue a su madre el que me avent�!, estalla el nadador.

Barry and Thomas found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in town shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office.So as Thomas waited, Barry sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the woman at the desk.”And what was your former occupation?” she asked.”Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialised in ladies’ underpants.” Barry proudly replied.So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, “OK, you’re eligible for $50 a week.””Hot damn, you mean I don’t gotta do nothin’ and I can get $50 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin’!” Barry shouted.Then Thomas sat down and the lady asked him the same question. Thomas looked her straight in the eye and said, “I was a diesel fitter.”She looked up in her big book again and said “Very good then, you’re eligible for $100 a week in unemployment benefits.””WAIT A HOT DAMN MINUTE!” Barry shouted. “How come he gets $100 a week, and me, I only get $50. I told you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do that kind of work so the seams are all nice a straight and smooth so nothing scratches you down there. And Thomas here, he’s only a diesel fitter. And he’s gonna make twice than I’m making?””Oh,” the lady replied, “but he’s a skilled labourer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oilfields and heavy equipment users. There’s not many diesel specialists around.””Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady,” Barry continued, “you got it all wrong. Yeah, Thomas’s a diesel fitter, all right. But what that means is that after I do all the fine work on the ladies’ drawers, he picks them up, looks ’em over and stretches them this way and that, and then says, ‘Yep, dese’ll fit her!'”

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. “Excuse me sir,” says the young man “do you know what time it is?”

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

“Mmmmm, it is about 3:00” the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, “How did you know that?” The zoo keeper looks back at the man, “I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.”

Boy Monster: “Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine’s?”

Girl Monster: “Yes, I did. Thank you.”

Boy Monster: “Is it still beating?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman