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A salesman knocks on the door of a suburban house.
It’s opened by a 10-year-old boy dressed in a cape that trails
along the floor behind him. On his head, he’s wearing a large
tophat. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the
other, a remote control. In his mouth is a smoking cigar.
“Mom and Dad in?” asks the salesman.
The boy replies, “Does it fucking look like it?”
Famous sayings involving ‘fuck’.
Mayor of Hiroshima
“What the fuck was that?”
General Custer
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”
Captain of the Titanic
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?”
John Lennon
“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
Richard Nixon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?”
Anne Boleyn
“Heads are going to fucking roll.”
Commander of Challenger
“Let the fucking woman drive.”
Albert Einstein
“Any fucking idiot knows that.”
Picasso
“It does so fucking look like her!”
Pythagoras
“How the fuck did you work that out?”
Michaelangelo
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?”
Walt Disney
“Fuck a duck.”
Edmund Hilary
“Why?- Because its fucking there!”
Joan of Arc
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”
Noah
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.”
John F. Kennedy-
“I need a parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”
The word of the day is “Legs”. So let’s goto your house and spread the word.
The Washington Post�s Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high up on walls.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit, and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It�s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it�s, like, a serious bummer, man.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts only until you realize it was your money to start with.
This bloke goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.””OK,” says the clerk.”What do you call it?” “A fottle.” “A fottle? That’s a stupid name. Can you think of something else?” “I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.” “And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.”A farton.” “That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that.””In that case,” says the bloke, “You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”
How could you tell that the whale was gay?
Because he bit the head off of the submarine and sucked out all the sea-men.
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The
only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking
wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha
and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in
the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it. She begged him to
visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t
hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then
he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her
hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t
stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued
to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas
morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife
as to how she might solve her husband’s problem. With a devilish grin on her
face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs
hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s
jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s
underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to
finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass
trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound
of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha
could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the
floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten
even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood
stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to
keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
“Honey,” he said. “You were right – all those years you warned me
and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked Martha.
“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and
these two fingers, I think I got ’em all back in.”
A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the
driver’s window, he takes one look and notes, “Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you
been drinking?” The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds,
“Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?”
Seg�n su creador y autor, el Profesor Don Hermenegildo Torres, fundador del Partido Unico de los Pendejos.
1. Pendejo Optimista: Aquel que cree que no es pendejo.
2. Pendejo Pesimista: El que cree que s�lo �l es pendejo.
3. Pendejo Telesc�pico: Desde lejos se le nota lo pendejo.
4. Pendejo Fosforescente: Hasta en la obscuridad se le nota lo pendejo. Casi brilla de pendejo.
5. Pendejo Aplicado: Se preocupa por aprender m�s pendejadas.
6. Pendejo Esf�rico: Por el lado que lo veas, es pendejo.
7. Pendejo Laborioso: Todo el d�a se la pasa haciendo pendejadas.
8. Pendejo Petulante: Se enorgullece de sus pendejadas.
9. Pendejo Amigable: Tiene puros amigos pendejos.
10. Pendejo Enciclop�dico: Sabe un mont�n de pendejadas.
11. Pendejo Simp�tico: Sus pendejadas causan risa.
12. Pendejo Literario: Escribe un mont�n de pendejadas.
13. Pendejo Campana: �Es tan.. tan.. pero taaaan pendejo!
14. Pendejo Creyente: Cree en cualquier pendejada.
15. Pendejo Consciente: Sabe que es un pendejo.
16. Pendejo Campe�n: Nadie le gana a hacer pendejadas.
17. Pendejo Pedigree: Desciende de pendejos campeones.
18. Pendejo Alegre: Se r�e de cualquier pendejada.
19. Pendejo Introvertido: A nadie le cuenta sus pendejadas.
19b. Pendejo Extrovertido: Goza contando sus pendejadas
20. Pendejo Enamorado: Le gusta cualquier pendeja.
21. Pendejo L�der: Le siguen todos los pendejos.
22. Pendejo In�til: Ni las pendejadas las hace bien.
23. Pendejo Valiente: Se rompe la madre por cualquier pendejada.
24. Pendejo Calvo: Cree que no tiene ni un pelo de pendejo.
25. Pendejo Clandestino: Se esconde para hacer sus pendejadas.
26. Pendejo Ambicioso: Sue�a con ser un buen pendejo.
27. Pendejo Convicto: Est� preso por pendejo.
28. Pendejo Hiperactivo: Hace las pendejadas una tras otra.
29. Pendejo Fil�sofo: Se pregunta el porqu� de sus pendejadas.
30. Pendejo Pol�glota: Dice pendejadas en varios idiomas.
31. Pendejo Xerox: Se copia las pendejadas de los dem�s.
32. Pendejo Esperanzado: Cree que se le va a quitar lo pendejo.
33. Pendejo Ignorante: Todos saben que es pendejo, menos �l.
34. Pendejo A�ejo: Entre m�s viejo, m�s pendejo.
35. Pendejo Radioactivo de baja potencia: Irradia su pendej�z por doquier.
35a: Pendejo Radioactivo de alta potencia: Es aquel que todo lo que toca, se lo lleva la chingada.
36. Pendejo Insistente: Hace la misma pendejada varias veces.
37. Pendejo Vigoroso: No se cansa de hacer pendejadas.
38. Pendejo Ecol�gico: Es pendejo por naturaleza.
39. Pendejo Precavido: Es pendejo por s� acaso.
40. Pendejo Multifac�tico: El que cabe en dos o m�s clasificaciones.
41. Pendejo Desconocido: Aqu�l cuyo nombre no puede uno recordar. �C�mo se llama ese pendejo?’.
42. Pendejo de Referencia: El que se usa para indicar o se�alar un sitio. “Est� all�, junto a aquel pendejo”.
43. Pendejo Gay: El que por pendejo se hizo joto.
44. Pendejo Apestoso: Se le huele lo pendejo a leguas.
45. Pendejo Mil Usos: Hace pendejadas en cualquier actividad que desempe�e.
46. Pendejo Magisterial: Le ense�a a los dem�s a hacer pendejadas.
47. Pendejo Estudioso: Es aqu�l que para superarse, estudia las pendejadas de los dem�s.
48. Pendejo Religioso: Le reza a Dios para que lo haga m�s pendejo.
49. Pendejo Hipocondr�aco: Se enferma de sus propias pendejadas.
50. Pendejo Lento: Necesita m�s tiempo para hacer bien sus pendejadas.
51. Pendejo Ahorrativo: Se guarda sus pendejadas para cuando m�s las necesite.
52. Pendejo Despilfarrador: Hace pendejadas de m�s.
53. Pendejo Bur�crata: Solo hace pendejadas de 9 a 6 y de lunes a viernes.
54. Pendejo Ultra-Bur�crata: Igual al anterior, pero este se abstiene en los “coffee breaks”.
55. Pendejo Eg�latra: No hace m�s que hablar de sus pendejadas.
56. Pendejo Presumido: Anda contando a todos sus pendejadas.
57. Pendejo Investigador: Prueba experimentalmente sus pendejadas.
Entra un tipo a un burdel y se dirige a la madama:
“Buenas tardes, �me podr�a dar informaci�n?”
“Claro que s�, mire, tenemos en oferta a Shannon, lo llamamos el ‘paquete ingl�s’, que incluye 2 horas continuas, striptease personal, botella de champa�a en la habitaci�n y propinas, todo por 1,500 d�lares”.
“Este… En realidad estaba buscando algo m�s econ�mico”.
“Bien, tenemos entonces el ‘paquete carioca’: una hora con Marlene; lambada privada; una botella de caipirinha y propinas, todo por �nicamente 850 d�lares”.
“�Y no tiene algo m�s barato?”
“Por 100 d�lares, le ofrezco a Lupita en el ‘paquete mexicano’: una copa de tequila; 15 minutos m�ximo y usted paga el cuarto”.
“Mire, la verdad es que s�lo traigo 10 d�lares”.
“�Por qu� no me lo dijo antes! En ese caso tenemos para usted el ‘paquete flamenco'”.
“�Y �se en que consiste?”
“�Usted se la jala y nosotras le aplaudimos!”
This guy calls his wife at work and says, “Don’t worry I’m fine and the damage is minimal.”She says “Oh my gosh, what happened?”He says, “that he was coming back from lunch & a bird hit his car windshield.””How much damage did it do?” she asked.”Minimal, however I did get a ticket.””A ticket how did you get that?””Well I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket.””What for?” she asked, “damaging his windshield?””No, flipping him the bird!!!!”
IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK … you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK…you get more work for good behavior
IN PRISON…the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for
yourself.
IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you can’t even speak to your family.
IN PRISON…the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON…you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON…you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK…they are called managers.