Category: other

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Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)

Un a�o tiene 365 d�as para poder estudiar.

Despues de sacar 52 domingos, solo nos quedan 313 d�as.

En verano hay 50 d�as en los que hace demasiado calor para poder estudiar as� que nos quedamos con 263 d�as.

Dormimos ocho horas diarias, al a�o suponen 122 d�as, as� que ahora contamos con 141 d�as.

Si nos damos una hora al d�a hablando con amigos y familiares, eso nos quita 15 dias mas, ya solo quedan 81.

Ex�menes y tets nos toman como m�nimo 35 d�as en nuestro a�o, as� que solo quedan 46.

Sacando aproximadamente 40 d�as de vacaciones y fiestas, nos quedamos con seis d�as.

Digamos que como m�nimo est�s tres d�as enfermo, as� que quedan tres para poder estudiar.

Digamos tambi�n que solo sales con los amigos dos d�as. �Ya solo queda uno! �pero resulta que ese �nico d�a es tu cumplea�os!

�As� que buena suerte a todos los que esteis estudiando!

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk,
finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open me first” and the other three
are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:
“These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency,
please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope
two second, and envelope three third.”

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing
money fast.

After a lengthy day negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes.
So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me, your predecessor for
everything”.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end.
His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the
second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government for everything”.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once
again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to
the third envelope and it reads, “Prepare 4 new envelopes”.

Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, Sir, the new employee replied. Well, then, that makes everything just fine, the boss went on. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.

Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years.

One was American, One was Russian and the other was English.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.

Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked “Has anyone got a match?”

Dicen que Dios cre� al burro y le dijo:

“Ser�s burro, trabajar�s de sol a sol, cargar�s sobre tu lomo lo que te pongan, y vivir�s 30 a�os”.

“Se�or, ser� y har� lo que t� quieras, pero… �30 a�os es mucho tiempo! �Por qu� no mejor 10 a�os?”, demanda el burro.

Y Dios complaci� al burro.

Despu�s, Dios cre� al perro y le dijo:

“Ser�s perro, cuidar�s de la casa de los hombres, comer�s lo que te den, y vivir�s 25 a�os”.

“Se�or, ser� y har� lo que me pidas, pero… �25 a�os es mucho tiempo! �Por qu� no mejor 10 a�os?”, solicita el perro.

Y Dios complaci� al perro.

Luego Dios cre� al mono y le dijo:

“Ser�s mono, saltar�s de �rbol en �rbol, har�s payasadas para divertir a los dem�s, y vivir�s 15 a�os”.

“Se�or, ser� y har� todo lo que me pidas, pero… �15 a�os es mucho tiempo! �Por qu� no mejor 10 a�os?”, suplica el mono.

Y Dios complaci� al mono.

Y finalmente, Dios cre� al hombre y le dijo:

“Ser�s hombre, el animal m�s inteligente de la Tierra. Dominar�s el mundo y vivir�s 30 a�os”.

“Se�or, ser� todo lo que me pidas, pero… �30 a�os es poco tiempo! �Por qu� no me das los 20 que no quiso el burro, los 15 que no quiso el perro, y los 5 que no quiso el mono?”.

Y Dios complaci� al hombre.

Y as� es que el hombre vive 30 a�os como hombre. Luego se casa y vive 20 como un burro, trabajando de sol a sol y cargando sobre su espalda el peso de la familia. Luego se jubila y vive 15 a�os como un perro, cuidando la casa y comiendo lo que le dan, y los �ltimos 5 a�os de su vida los vive como un mono, saltando de casa en casa de los hijos, y haciendo payasadas para divertir a los nietos.

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, “Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?”

“No,” says Carlos.

Armando asks, “Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?”

“No,” says Carlos.

“Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?”

“Caramba! No, amigo!” Carlos replied.

“Theen tell me why, ” asked Armando, “do you keep screwing my wife?”

What did the Jewish American Princess say when she knocked over a
priceless Ming vase?

Oh, Daaaaddy, it’s OK, I’m not hurt.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then leave this pub right now!” and approached a second man.”Do you want to got to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then leave this den of Satan,” said the priest, as he walked up to O’Toole.”Do you want to go to heaven?” “No, I don’t Father,” O’Toole replied. The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

How can you tell if a Jewish American Princess’s a nymphomaniac?

She’ll make love the same day she has her hair done.

A salesman knocks on the door of a suburban house.

It’s opened by a 10-year-old boy dressed in a cape that trails
along the floor behind him. On his head, he’s wearing a large
tophat. In one hand, he holds a huge glass of brandy and in the
other, a remote control. In his mouth is a smoking cigar.

“Mom and Dad in?” asks the salesman.

The boy replies, “Does it fucking look like it?”