Category: other

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

“I’m an undertaker,” responded the friend.

“That doesn’t sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.”

“There is plenty of excitement in this racket,” said his friend. “Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn’t want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat…..You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? Giant holes all over Africa!

Una pareja de esposos que no se soportan deciden divorciarse y acuden con el juez para que los separe. El magistrado pregunta las razones de la separaci�n; despu�s de escucharlas est� de acuerdo con los argumentos, pero les advierte que lo �nico que falta por establecer, es qui�n se quedar� con la custodia del nene y le pide a la mujer que hable:

“Se�or juez, mire, d�jeme decirle que no veo por qu� usted me pueda quitar a mi nene, si fui yo quien lo tuvo en el vientre durante nueve meses. Luego de eso lo amamante; despu�s lo cri� porque su padre es un irresponsable, que creo nunca lo quiso”.

Luego de ese discurso, el magistrado le dice al padre que hable:

“Se�or juez, para no dar tanto discurso como esa mujer, se la voy a poner f�cil: si usted quiere adquirir un refresco en una m�quina, le mete las monedas para que �sta le d� la bebida. Entonces, si usted introdujo las monedas, �de qui�n es el refresco, suyo de la m�quina?”

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.”Well,” said the first one, “I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.””I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.””I’ve got you both beat,” said the third.”I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.”A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.”Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere because I’m too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.”

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: “That’s nothin’. My dad owns hell.””No way,” another boy scoffed.”How can a man own hell?””Sure he can,” the preacher’s son said.”My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night.”

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well, and soon Bert suggested that they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. It wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love, though, Bert noticed that Flo’s toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, “I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out.”Flo looked at him and smiled.”That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose.”

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the
scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said,
“Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for
lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box
and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I’m going to
jump off too.” The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.” Next day the Irishman opens
his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican
opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees
the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife
is weeping. She says, “I I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!” The Mexican’s wife also
weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he
hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife.
“Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”

One day the Smith family were at the circus when they saw a man
on top of a diving board claiming that when you go down, you say
your favorite drink and you will land in a pool of it at the
bottom.

First the youngest boy in the family went. “Cooooke.” He
screamed as he went down and he landed in a pool of coke.

Next went his brother, “Faaantaaaa,” He shouted at the top of
his lungs as he went down and he landed in a pool of fanta.

Next went the middle aged boy he just rushed up really fast and
said- “WWWEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Un capataz contrata a dos electricistas para hacer un trabajo, y les dice que tienen que estar trabajando todos los d�as sin falta hasta las cinco de la tarde. Debido al tipo de tarea, s�lo uno de ellos puede estar trabajando en un momento dado, as� que se van turnando para trabajar.

Un d�a uno de los electricistas le dice al otro: “Mira, esto es est�pido, estamos aqu� los dos perdiendo el tiempo porque s�lo uno de nosotros puede estar trabajando. �Qu� te parece si en vez de turnarnos cada hora, uno de nosotros viene por la ma�ana y el otro por la tarde? Adem�s, el capataz nunca esta aqu�, as� que no se enterar�.”

“Me parece una idea genial. Venga, ahora me voy a casa y volver� a mediodia.”

Dicho y hecho, el electricista llega a su casa, abre la puerta, se va al dormitorio, y alli ve al capataz encima de su esposa. Sin hacer ruido, sale silenciosamente de la casa y vuelve al trabajo.

Pero hombre, �qu� haces aqu�? �Todav�a falta mucho para mediod�a!”

“S�, pero lo he pensado mejor y esto es una mala idea, �casi me pilla el capataz!

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.”Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS PORT ADELAIDE:

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of yesterday morning, with the epicentre in Port Adelaide, SA.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Port Adelaide Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. one resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning”.

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000 bottles of Home Brew to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Port Power jerseys,
jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after.

Items most needed include: baseball caps, flannelette shirts, thongs and tracksuits.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Yiros’ , McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of Woodstock Bourbon or Bacardi Breezers.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered fish, crisps and fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Winfield Blues and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas