Category: other

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. * Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. * On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared. * The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. * The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. * Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. * Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. * The patient refused autopsy. * The patient has no previous history of suicides. * Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. * Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days. * Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. * Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. * Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up. * She is numb from her toes down. * While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. * The skin was moist and dry. * Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. * Patient was alert and unresponsive. * She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. * Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid. * I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. * Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. * Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized. * The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. * The patient was to have a bowel resection. * However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. * Skin: somewhat pale but present. * The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. * Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. * Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. * She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night. * Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Two Irishmen, Abdul and Mohammed, are driving their camel across the
desert. At the last two oases, the camel has refused to drink, and is now
quite dry. They fear he will die of dehydration. They reach one more
oasis, and after Abdul and Mohammed have slacked their thirst, they start
to work on getting the camel to drink. No amount of urging, cursing, or
beating the camel sticks will get him to drink the water.

Finally, in desperation, Mohammed tells Abdul: “We will force him to drink.
I will grab his ears and push his head down into the water. Meanwhile, you
go around the back and suck.’ Abdul agrees, and they begin the plan.
After several minutes have passed, Mohammed asks Abdul: “How are things
coming back there?” Abdul replies: “I think you have his head too low, all
I am getting is mud!”

“�Auxilio, socorro, llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!”

“�Shhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido que vas a despertar a tu madre.”

What was the chicken when he crossed the road?

Answer: Dead meat

Best introduction to a musical performance:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve suffered for my music.
Now it’s your turn.”
– Michael Palin, parodying Bob Dylan

At a catholic gathering, Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying:

“Take only one apple please – God is watching.””

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies where a student had placed a sign saying:

“”Take all the cookies you want – God is watching the apples.””

“

10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra
tapes on hand to record today’s sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a
filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher
turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl” but it’s
only July!

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down,the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and bluelight behind him.”There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him.”What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ”I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!””Last week my wife ranoff with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give herback!””Off you go,”said the officer.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.She told the artist: “Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex.”The confused artist said: “But you’re not wearing any of those things.””I know,” she said.”But if I die before my husband, I’m sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

Mrs. Abercrombie was unhappy with the way Elena the maid cleaned. Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table, she started to chew out the maid.

Elena defending herself said, “I’m a better cook than you, I clean house better than you.”

“Who told you that?� Mr. Abercrombie? Mrs. Abercrombie snapped.

“I’m even better in bed than you!”, Elena proudly stated

Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, “I suppose my husband told you that too.”

“No Mrs. Abercombie� The gardener did!”

The family doctor was checking on Jill and her four small children, one of whom he was treating for a cold.”Have you taken every precaution to prevent spread of contagion in your family?” he asked.”Absolutely, Doctor,” replied Jill earnestly.”We’ve even bought a sanitary cup, and we all drink from it.”

Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its book series Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this commercial the narrator describes an event at Stonehenge where a person ‘was grabbed by a terrifying unseen force and held suspended in the air.’I don’t know about you, but where I’m from, this is better known as a ‘wedgie.’