Category: other

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, I need something to keep me horny….keep me potent.”

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, “Viagra Extra Strength” and says, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go nuts for twelve hours.”

The guy says, “Gimme three boxes.”

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.

In a paired voice, the man moans out, “Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat.”

The pharmacist replies in horror, “You can’t put deep heat on that.”

The man replies, “No, it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

In the beginning, there was the plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was completely without substance.

The employees told their supervisors: “It’s a crock of shit and
it stinks!”

The supervisors then told the department heads: “It’s a pail of
dung, and none may abide by the odor.”

The department heads then told the managers: “It’s a container
of excrement, and it is very strong such that none may smell it.”

The managers then told the director: “It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength.”

The director then told the VP: “It contains that which aids
plant growth, and it is very strong.”

The VP told the Executive-VP: “It promotes growth, and it is
very powerful.”

The Executive-VP told the President: “It is very strong and will
promote growth and efficiency of the system.”

And the President reviewed the plan, and said: “This is good.”

And the plan became policy.

And this is how shit happens.

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and
bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade
route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him,
with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy’s amazement, when the Pope came, he
went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy
went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next
day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the
Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, “I
thought I told you to get the hell out of here!”

What would they have called the “Beetles” if they were [ethnic]?

Roaches.

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!”

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.

Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”

“So would I,” quipped the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t enough time during a coffee break.”

I man with a speech imparement went into a bakery and asked for
a bum (bun). The baker handed over a bun and the man left. Then
he went into a hardwhere store and asked for a fucket (bucket).
The salesperson handed overa bucket and the man left. The man
went into the pet shop and asked for a cocken spankit.
(cokerspaniel). The lady handed over a cokerspaniel and a leash.
Apon leaving the shop the man accidently let go of the leash and
said to an old lady sitting n a park bench ” Could you please
hold my bum and fucket, while i go and get my cokensapckit.”

A woman went to the doctor’s and told him: “Every time I sneeze, I have an amazing orgasm!” The doctor said: “What have you been taking for it?” The woman replied: “PEPPER!”

“�Auxilio, socorro, llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!”

“�Shhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido que vas a despertar a tu madre.”

Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.””Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. “That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!””That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan.”The bottle has a hole in it!””What about the PC?””It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan.”And it’s missing three keys,””Which three?””Control, Alt and Delete.”

Algunas cosas a las suegras:

�Que viva mi suegra!
Lejos de mi casa.

En una l�pida:
Aqu� descansa mi suegra.
Y en mi casa todos nosotros.

Dichoso Ad�n… �Nunca conoci� a su suegra!

A la suegra hay que enterrarla boca abajo… Por si acaso se despierta y escarba �se hunda m�s!

A las suegras es mejor no velarlas luego de muertas… �Nadie garantiza que no se despierten en el funeral!

Una joven est� sentada en un autob�s con su hijo reci�n nacido, cuando un borracho llega tropezando por el pasillo y se detiene junto a ella.

“�Vaya!” dice el borracho “�Este es el beb� m�s feo que he visto en mi vida!” La mujer se suelta a llorar. Sin entender lo que pasa, el chofer ve a la se�ora llorando y detiene el autob�s, se levanta, atrapa al borracho y lo baja a patadas.

“No s� que le haya dicho ese borracho, pero si en algo le ayuda a olvidar este mal rato, le ofrezco un poco de caf� de mi termo…”

La joven acepta y el chofer toma su termo, y le sirve un vaso de caf�. Despu�s se busca en el bolso de la chaqueta y saca una bolsa con pl�tano: “Y esto es para su changuito…”