Category: other

Have heard elephants never forget. And if a woman was raped by an elephant? Bet she’ll never forgets either!

Every time timmy’s mom had her boyfriend over, she put timmy in the closet
with his teddy bear.

one day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her
boyfriend in with timmy.

“gee, it’s mighty dark in here,” timmy said.

“yes, it sure is,” replied the boyfriend.

“you want to buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?” asked timmy.

“no way, kid. you’re crazy,” said the boyfriend.

“i’ll scream,” said timmy.

so the boyfriend forked over the money.

the next time timmy’s grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson
was buying candy, ice cream and comic books.

“where did you get the money for all those things?” she asked, but timmy
wouldn’t tell her.

“well, if you won’t tell me, you’ll have to go to confession and tell the
priest,” said grandma, and dragged timmy off to the church.

as he entered the gloomy confession booth, timmy said, “gee, it’s mighty dark
in here.”

“are you going to start that s*** again?” the priest replied.

These epitaphs, taken from actual tombstones.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer’s epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery: “I told you I was sick!”

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June – Jonathan Fiddle – Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin’ more Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn’t like Mr. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other.

On a grave from the 1880’s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with “R.E. Danforth’s Non-Explosive Burning Fluid” Oops!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903–Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.

I once had dinner in a German-Chinese restaurant. The food was delicious,
but an hour later, I was hungry for power.

Un hombre muere y va al cielo. Se encuentra con San Pedro y San Pedro le dice:

“Amigo, todav�a no era su tiempo de morir, as� es que le dar� 5 d�as extra para regresar a la tierra, pero tendr� que regresar en forma de animal, as� es que, escoja…”

El hombre se pone a pensar y dice: “Gallina, eso estar�a bien… comer ma�z, dormir de 5 a 5 en paja deliciosa, no tener problemas con otros animales, Gallina quiero!”

As� es que �pum!, San Pedro lo convierte en Gallina.

El tipo se encuentra feliz y tranquilo cacareando aqu� y all�, pescando granos de ma�z del suelo y piensa para s� mismo: “Buena decisi�n!”.

En la noche, el granjero empuja a las gallinas a la granja y este tipo se busca un montoncito de paja a gusto. Se sienta y piensa para s� mismo: “Buena decisi�n!”

A las 5 de la ma�ana, el granjero patea la puerta que retumba, agarra la primera gallina de la fila, la levanta, no hay huevos, le arranca el cuello, sale cuello por un lado, cuerpo por el otro. La segunda gallina, un par de huevos, la deja en paz. La tercera gallina, no hay huevos, -ya sabemos que pasa- y el tipo empieza a sudar fr�o porque debajo de su cuerpo no hay huevos, y dice: “�Ay, en la madre!” y empieza a pujar rezando: “�Por favor, un huevo, Dios, un huevo!”, puja, puja y puja.

En eso, su mujer le dice:

“�Despi�rtate, que te est�s cagando en la cama!”

15> Jenkins in accounting only answers to “The Number Cruncher.”

14> More choke-holds than usual on the redhead in word processing.

13> Within seconds of getting called on the carpet, he’s managed to put the boss in a headlock.

12> Every morning when she comes in, she climbs up each corner of her cubicle and raises her fists in the air.

11> Casual Friday means no cape.

10> Although his manager’s office is adequately furnished for meetings, he takes a folding chair into his salary review.

9> After coffee breaks, he returns to his chair by leaping from the top of the cubicle wall.

8> You’ve learned not to lend her an office chair. Ever.

7> He’s always putting Colin Powell in headlocks during cabinet meetings.

6> Fixes his computer by jumping from the top of his cubicle and hitting the monitor with a forearm smash.

5> “And our employee of the month is Fr– what? Er, sorry — ‘Stone Cold’ Fred Waznowski.”

4> Clients used to be escorted politely to the door. Now they’re tossed screaming over the cubicle walls.

3> He requires you to tag in before he gives up the urinal in the restroom.

2> Ends every meeting by putting Bob from accounting through the conference table.

1> “Fax Machine, it’s time for me to drag your malfunctioning ass into the squared circle of *pain*!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Un gringo y un africano estaban en un departamento de asistencia social. El gringo parado detr�s del negro le dice “Nigger motherfucker, i fuck you”. El negro, sin darle importancia, no le hace caso.

Al rato el gringo le dice al negro: “�Saben por qu� ustedes tener palmas de las manos y plantas de pies blancas?”

El africano volteando educadamente le responde: “No, �por qu�?”

Y el gringo le dice: “�Porque a ustedes pegarlos contra la pared y pintarlos con pintura de aceite negra y de pasada con crayones�”

El africano, molesto y encabronado, le responde: “�Y saben por qu� ustedes tienen el ano bien negro?”

El gringo desconcertado dice: “No �why?”

“�Pues porque nosotros todav�a est�bamos frescos!”

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An
angel (or diva) stops them and asks, “Why do you come here? Can you tell me the
reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?”

The Christian replies, “My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life:
I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me
and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven.”

“OK,” replies the Angel. “Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance
examination before you can enter.” The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel
asks him: “How do you spell God?” It is an easy question, and the Christian
passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, “I had not done any good or evil things during
my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too
should enter Heaven.” The Angel replies, “It sounds OK to me, but I have to give
you a test also. How do you spell Allah?” The Muslim passed the test.

Finally, it is the Buddhist’s turn, who tells the Angel, “I had done all the
good things in my life and I followed Buddha’s five precepts: I never killed, I
donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss or my
customers.” The Angel replies, “That is very good, but there are no exceptions.
You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in.” Thinking that the test
should be simple, he agrees to take the test.

The Angel then asks him: “How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?”

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” Asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

21) I know that men are from Mars, but I see something that rhymes with Venus.

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Nazarene.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13) Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…

12) you need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me am making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…

3) You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.

2) I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY
TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED…

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

Informes de inteligencia recientemente revelados, dan cuenta de que el atentado perpetrado en las ciudades de Nueva York y Washington, hace algunas horas, estaba dirigido, primeramente, a ser cometido �nica y exclusivamente en la ciudad de Buenos Aires.

Por diversos motivos que pasaremos a detallar, seg�n las informaciones recabadas, dos terroristas de alg�n lugar del Medio Oriente llegaron a Buenos Aires con la firme determinaci�n de ejecutar ‘el castigo de Al� para con los infieles’. Esto no pudo llevarse a cabo. He aqu� la historia y el itinerario seguido por los dos fan�ticos una vez llegados a nuestro pa�s:

Domingo 23:47 h: Llegan a Buenos Aires v�a a�rea desde Uruguay; salen de Aeroparque y toman un taxi. El taxista los marca por el espejo y al ver las caras de boludos que tienen, los pasea por toda la ciudad durante una hora y media. En la esquina de Carabobo y Rivadavia se sube un c�mplice que los afana y los dejan tirados en el Bajo Flores.

Lunes 1:15 h: Cuando logran recuperarse un poco, aparece una barrita de la villa y se produce el siguiente dialogo:

“Che, fierita, dame un peso pa’ la birra”

“�…?”

“Dale barbeta, pelotudo. �Tiram� un mango! �O so’ sordo, so’…!.

“No habla espa�ol… Yo afgano…”

“�Ah, afgano! Agarr�mela con la mano (al mismo tiempo que empiezan los golpes de pu�o, patadas, codazos, etc.)

Lunes 4:30 h: Al despertar, despu�s de la golpiza, ambos terroristas logran llegar a una remiser�a. Toman un auto por la autopista Ricchieri hacia Ezeiza. Cinco kil�metros antes de llegar los detiene un piquete de empleados de Aerol�neas Argentinas que, junto con los camioneros, empleados judiciales, canillitas, vendedores ambulantes, etc., no les permiti� el paso.

Lunes 7:30 h: Llegan a Ezeiza (�al fin!). Necesitan cambiar plata para moverse m�s tranquilos. �Tienen d�lares y se los cambian por Patacones!

Lunes7:45hs: Intentan abordar un avi�n para hacerlo caer sobre Buenos Aires. Aerol�neas y Austral est�n de paro; los empleados impiden que despegue cualquier otra l�nea a�rea. El �nico avi�n que est� en pista lleva 18 horas de retraso. Los empleados y pasajeros ‘acampan’ dentro del aeropuerto. Hacen ollas populares. Gritan consignas contra el gobierno; llega Gendarmer�a… Se empiezan a cagar a trompadas, todos contra todos… �Gran quilombo!

Lunes 19:05 h: Al fin se tranquilizan un poco los �nimos. Se acercan al mostrador de Iberia para sacar un pasaje rumbo a Lima, desviarlo y hacerlo estallar (je, je, je). �Pero ninguna l�nea �rea acepta Patacones!

Lunes 19:07 h: A esta altura del d�a, los saboteadores discuten entre si. �No saben si hacer mierda Buenos Aires es un acto terrorista o una obra de caridad!

Lunes 20:30 h: Muertos de fr�o y de hambre van al Mc Donald’s de Ezeiza. Piden un Mc Pollo con Frenys y Coca mediana.

Martes 0:35 h: Se recuperan de una infecci�n intestinal en el Hospital Fern�ndez.

Martes 20:00 h: Chiche Gelblung los lleva al programa ‘Memoria’, junto al m�dico gallego que les hace un tratamiento de cactus mezclado con remolacha y repollo.

Martes 23:42 h: Los tipos rajan del pa�s a trav�s de la ‘triple frontera’. Juran por Al� jam�s volver a intentar nada en nuestro ‘bendito pa�s’.

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are
365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you
already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you
spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only
91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts
for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each
day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You
normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per
year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available
working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year
which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going
to take that day off!