Category: other

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One
day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on
the empty lot.

The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and started
talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew – gems in
the rough all of them – more or less adopted her as a kind of
project
mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had
coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and
there to make her
feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the
dollar pay she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed
with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her
very own pay
check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a
crew building a house all week”.

“My goodness gracious”, said the teller, “and will you be
working on the house again this week too?”

“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever
bring us the fucking bricks”, replied the little girl.

Pepito se levant� a mitad de la noche por un vaso de agua. Cuando pasaba por la recamara de sus padres escuch� muchos quejidos y suspiros; se asom� y sorprendi� a sus padres en pleno conc�bito. Antes de que su padre pudiera reaccionar, Pepito grita:

“�Bravo, el juego de montar a caballo! �Puedo montarme en tu espalda, pap�?”

Contento de que Pepito no hiciera preguntas indiscretas y viendo, adem�s, la oportunidad de seguir en lo suyo, el pap� acepta. Pepito salt� sobre su espalda y empez� a cabalgar muy contento. Pronto la mam� de Pepito comenz� a jadear y a hacer ruidos extra�os. Entonces Pepito advierte:

“�Cuidado, pap�, �sta es la parte donde el lechero se emociona demasiado y me tira!”

This real short guy from Michigan wins all expense trip to texas. He gets himself a horse, clothing, gun and holster along with a ten gallon hat. He pulls in front of this saloon and gets off his horse, being so short he walked right under it to tie it up. He slams open the saloon doors and asks for a beer playing the roll of a big shot. After a few beers he decided to leave and again slammed open the doors and walked under his horse but noticed his horses balls were painted yellow. This pissed him off so went into the bar and said which one of you big texans painted my horses balls yellow. This big texan looked down at him and said I did, what you going to do about it. The short guy replied, I just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry.

Hab�a en un corral un torete que siempre deseaba a la ternera de la otra cerca, pero, como la cerca estaba alambrada a una altura de dos metros, este no pod�a pasar y dec�a a si mismo, “alg�n d�a saltar� esa cerca y por fin ella ser� m�a”.

Pasaron dos a�os y el torete se convirti� en un toro grande y robusto y se dijo:

“Por fin soy lo suficientemente grande y saltar� esa cerca para hacer m�a a esa linda vaquita.”

Tom� una distancia de cinco metros para saltar y a toda carrera logr� saltarla traspasando el alambre de p�as. Al caer se sacudi� y se acerc� a la vaquita que estaba como �l la deseaba. y le pregunt�:

“Amiguita �c�mo te llamas?”

“Mi nombre es MARISOL, pero, solo dime MARI por el SOL est� en el cielo. �y t�?”

“Yo me llamo JUAN TROLON pero solo dime JUAN por que mis TROLAS est�n en el cerco.”

There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants!

The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, “What are you doing?”, to which the Indian replies, “Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial.”

The cowboy in disbelief says, “Ok, what time is it?” The Indian looks down at his “3:35…”

“That’s amazing, your right!” the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.

Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time.

The Indian looks down at his “one eyed bandit” and says “4:40”.

The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.

After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his “bald headed champ” except he was jerking off.

The cowboy hops off his horse and says, “And what are you doing?” to which the Indian replies, “Me winding clock.”

Pepito iba muy mal en matem�ticas. Sus padres hab�an intentado de todo: maestros particulares, centros especiales, todo lo que pueda imaginarse. En un �ltimo intento, inscribieron a Pepito en la escuela cat�lica de la localidad.

Tras el primer d�a de clases, Pepito regres� a casa con una expresi�n muy seria en su rostro. Ni siquiera salud� a su mam�, sino que se fue directo a su cuarto y empez� a estudiar. Al poco tiempo hab�a libros y papeles por todo el cuarto y Pepito estaba trabajando como nunca antes. Su madre estaba sorprendida. Despu�s de comer, Pepito se regres� inmediatamente a su cuarto sin decir nada y se puso a estudiar de nuevo. Esto continu� por alg�n tiempo, d�a tras d�a y la mam� no lograba entender lo que hac�a la diferencia.

Al fin, Pepito llev� a casa su boleta de calificaciones. La dej� sin decir nada sobre la mesa y se fue a su cuarto a estudiar. Toda nerviosa, la mam� vio la boleta y, para su sorpresa, vio que Pepito hab�a sacado 10 en matem�ticas. Sin poder contener por m�s tiempo su curiosidad, la mam� fue a buscar a Pepito:

“Hijo, �qu� fue lo que pas�? �Fueron las monjitas las que te convencieron?”

Pepito se volvi� a verla, y moviendo la cabeza respondi�:

“No”.

“Entonces, �fueron los libros, la disciplina, la estructura, los uniformes? �Podr�as decirme qu� fue?”

“Bueno, mam�, cuando fui a clases el primer d�a y vi al pobre tipo clavado en el signo de m�s, �supe que las monjitas iban en serio!”

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal. Wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks. The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is part of my job.”

“Incredible!” muttered the man.

“I can’t believe it! I’m going to tell your boss what a prize he has in you. An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog.

“Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well!”

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-fence- Builder? Noooo…”

Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to the sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me own back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor- the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. . . “But ya fuck one goat…”

La mam� de Pepito estaba a punto de tener un hermanito. Un d�a Pepito entr� cuando su mam� estaba desnuda y le pregunt� qu� era el pelo que ten�a entre las piernas.

Ella respondi�, “Es mi trapo de limpieza.”

Semanas despu�s la mam� tuvo a su beb�, y Pepito entr� otra vez cuando ella estaba desnuda, pero en el hospital el doctor le hab�a rasurado el vello p�bico. Pepito le pregunt�: “�Qu� le pas� a tu trapo de limpieza?”

“Se me perdi�.”

Pepito, tratando de ser �til, empez� a buscar el trapo de limpiar de su mam�. Unos d�as despu�s Pepito entr� corriendo adonde estaba su mam�, y le dijo “Encontr� tu trapo de limpieza.”

“�D�nde lo encontraste?”

“Lo tiene la sirvienta. Est� lavando la cara de mi pap� con �l.”

20> Friggin’ Simon cut you off 10 seconds into your audition.

19> Prison swastika tattoo on your forehead can’t be fully
hidden by a miter.

18> The College of Cardinals refuses to let “Pimp My Ride” touch
the popemobile.

17> The other cardinals still haven’t forgotten when you beat
John Paul in Scrabble and shouted, “Infallible, my ass!”

16> Because apparently, the Body of Christ is not carb-free.

15> Transparent popemobile
    + your penchant for car sickness
    = papal visits that make children cry.

14> Your wives will only let you off the compound for flour and
ammo.

13> You’re not really a papal person.

12> The last communion wafer you ate burned a crucifix-shaped
hole through your tongue.

11> You ain’t takin’ off that cool Skoal cap you found under the
bleachers at Daytona for no pointy hat, dammit!

10> The other cardinals strongly oppose your proposed “Blue
Collar Catholic Comedy Tour.”

 9> Your foreign language skills begin and end with
pig-burp-Latin.

 8> You’re constipated *and* scared of the woods.

 7> In response to your query, the Vatican Council sent
you a note that said, “More like the NOPE.”

 6> You’re the only cardinal who does a Beavis
impression when anyone says “organ.”

 5> Your little habit of referring to the Eucharist as
“nizzachos and pimp juice from the Notorious G.O.D.”

 4> You can’t make the sign of the cross without
grabbing your genitals and moonwalking.

 3> Okay, you were starving, but you didn’t have to eat
*that* grilled cheese sandwich.

 2> Irritable bowel syndrome and a $20,000 white robe
are not exactly a match made in heaven.

 1> Because driving the popemobile would mean having to
give up your pussymobile, man!

[  The Top 5 List  
www.topfive.com  ] [   Copyright 2005 by
Chris White    ]

Una tortuga se fue de vacaciones para Cartagena, e iba caminando muy tranquila, cuando de pronto, a la orilla de la carretera sale una lagartija y le dice:

“Adi�s, se�ora tortuga. �Ad�nde va?”

“A Cartagena, de vacaciones”, contesta la tortuga.

“Ll�veme por favor, yo no peso mucho y me puedo ir en su caparaz�n”.

La tortuga, disgustada, la manda a comer mierda y prosigue su camino.

La lagartija, ofendida, deja que se aleje un poco y cautelosamente la sigue y sin que lo note se le sube en el caparaz�n. As� viajaron durante largo tiempo, hasta que a su paso sale un sapo que le pregunta a la tortuga:

“�Ad�nde va, se�ora tortuga?”

“A Cartagena”.

“�Y usted, se�ora lagartija?”, le pregunta el sapo.

“�Hasta aqu�, sapo hijueputa!”

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was traveling
to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach
was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so
sardarji’s coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the
speech.
Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his first point towards
improvement of railway department was: “There should not be last coach in any
train.”