Category: other

Rabbi in barA Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks “Can I please use the rest room?” The place was hoppin’ with music, and dancin’, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, “I really don’t think you should.”The Rabbi again, asks, “Can I please use the rest room?” Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, “I really don’t think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she’s only covered by a fig leaf!”The Rabbi responded with, “Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!” Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin’ with music and dancin’ again! He went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin’ with music and dancin’, then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin’ again.”The bartender says, “Well, now you’re one of us, can I get you a drink?” The Rabbi says, “I still don’t understand.” The bartender told him, “You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?”

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and her lack
of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and yell,
“Praise the Lord!”
Her next door neighbor would shout back, “There isn�t a God!”
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to
prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries,
said, “Praise the Lord!”
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I brought those
groceries and there isn�t no God.”

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, “Do you want them mounted?” Blushing, she said, “No. holding hands will be fine.”

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

“Well..” she said “each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box”

“And what about the thousand pound?” asked the old man.

“Well…” Replies the woman “Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them”

Un Doctor acababa de tener una larga sesi�n de sexo con uno de sus pacientes. Mientras descansaba comenz� a sentirse un poco culpable, pues pensaba que lo que hac�a no era �tico. En eso un peque�o demonio apareci� sobre uno de sus hombros y le dijo: “Tranquilo, muchos doctores tienen sexo con sus pacientes; ya ves, t� no eres ni el primero ni el �ltimo.”

Esto hizo sentir al doctor un poco mejor, hasta que otro demonio apareci� en su hombro y dijo: “S�, idiota, pero los otros doctores no son veterinarios.”

What is OJ Simpson’s web site address?

O-dot-J-dot-slash-slash-backslash-backslash-escape

Un ingl�s llega a Roma en viaje de negocios. Entra a su cuarto de hotel y al comenzar a desvestirse tocan la puerta; es un italiano que le dice:

“Il signore vorrebbe una sigorina per fare l’amore?”

“�No, m� venir s�lo en viaje de negocios!”

Al rato, una vez hecho su aseo personal, tocan de nuevo a la puerta. El mismo personaje:

“Ma, non vorrebbe una signorina, cos� cos�?”

“�No se�or, no insista!”, y cierra la puerta con �mpetu.

Cuando ya estaba por dormirse, vuelve nuevamente el insistente ciudadano:

“E una giovanotta?”

“�Mire, tr�igame al Papa!”

El italiano se va, y el ingl�s se acuesta a dormir por fin; pero al rato, nuevamente, golpean la puerta. Era el italiano que, compungido dice:

“Guardi, il Papa proprio, no; ma, certo cardinale…”

There once was a farmer from Western Pennyslvainia who died and went to hell. The devil put him in the stone yard. The devil came back the next day and asked, “How was your first day in hell?” he replied”…ok…. but could you get me a blanket?” The devil was insulted. So he turned the thermastat to 150 degrees F. So the next day, the farmer replies, ” It was just like workin on the feilds.” So the devil turned it up to 250 F. The next day, the devil asked him how he was and again he said he was fine. So, the devil thought to himself,”I’m smart…..This guy just doesn’t mind the heat,” So he turned it down to -100 F. The next day, on the devils visit, he saw that the farmer was dancing in the snow.” What is up with u?” The Farmer said..”It’s a cold day in hell…the EGALS MUST HAVE WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Life In HellA young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, ”What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?” ”They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack,” the guard replied.”And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?””The same exact thing,” the guard answered.”Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?””Because in Socialist Hell, they’re always out of oil, whips, and racks!”

When you mix flour and water you get glue. Right?
When you mix flour, water, eggs, and sugar you get cake. Right?

I used to wonder…”What happened to the glue?”Then I came to know that the glue is what makes the cake stick to your butt!

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…”The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.”Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.”On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…””So what?”, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.”But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.”Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music.”

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error…
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don’t be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud……, James Baud.
Access denied–nah nah na na