Category: other

And Jesus said to the Mexicans

“Don’t do anything until I get back.”

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he
was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over
his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked “Who’s that you’re drawing, son?”
The son answered, “God.”
“Don’t be silly,” reproved the mother. “Nobody knows what God looks
like.”
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, “They will
when I’m finished!”

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it” the priest replied.

The rabbi replied “Oh,” then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel.
9. People never refer to you as “The crazy one in the family”.
8. On weekends, you get to bring home weapons of mass destruction .
7. Don’t want to clean your room? Threaten to tell the United States dad’s
exact location.
6. Play your cards right and in 10 years you’ll be torturing the Iraqi
people.
5. Unique chance to observe a tyrannical madman up close.
4. Big inheritance when U.S. troops finally kill your stepfather.
3. Father-son bonding over 3am prank calls to U.N. weapons inspectors.
2. You can get first pick of the police auction’s seized and repossessed
camels.
1. Get to call Bin Laden “Uncle Osama”

Q: What’s the difference between a wife and a tv, and a mistress and tv with
cable?
A: The first one is both are at home and free, the second one is also both at
home but with a FEE.

“Your honour, ” explained the young man, “I’d like to get married, please.””All right, what is your age?””I’m 22, sir.””And the age of the bride?””She’s 15, sir.””15??? That’s too young — marrying you would be against the law!””I see, ” said the young man.”Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?”

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won’t be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot
was previously in there.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

“Well..” she said “each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box”

“And what about the thousand pound?” asked the old man.

“Well…” Replies the woman “Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them”

• You pronounce “sin” with two syllables.
• Your daughter’s beehive hairdo matches your wifes.
• You think Jesus is liberal.
• You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
• You know God on a first name basis.
• You have your application in for the Trinity.
• You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
• You think hair tonic is Biblical.
• You think dancing is a form of artificial insemination.
• You find June Cleaver attractive.
• You believe Moses could have shaved.
• You have a portrait of Sodom and Gommorrah the day after it was nuked.
• You pronounce it “Bab-tist.”
• You still think Jimmy Swaggert wasn’t so bad till he got caught up with those “wimmin.”
• You think “dike” is a big wall in Holland.
• You insist on using “gay” to describe your night out with the boys.
• You know the three greek words for love.
• You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
• You thought Naked Gun was a Clint Eastwood movie.
• You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy
• You called your teacher “the Beast” as a child.
• You barbecue ribs and invite your Muslim friends over for dinner.
• You’ve ever attended a book burning.
• You built your own ark model.
• You pointed out all the errors in Jurassic Park according to Genesis.
• You think Monopoly teaches greed.
• You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
• You are one of those idiots who insist on bringing up religion on the airplane by saying, “Gee, if this plane were to crash, would you go to heaven?”
• You support Hare Krishna’s in the airport because it means your denomination can have a booth across the hall.
• You can trace Saddam Hussein’s genealogy to Nebuchaddnezzar.
• You think Mormons are mistaken but they sure do dress nice.
• You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
• You wonder why the Dali Lama worships those funny goat-like sheep.
• You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
• You can prove that unscrambling “Santa” is “Satan.”
• You know that Jesus was born in April but probably would have liked a tree anyway.
• You exchange any currency that has three 6’s in a row.
• You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
• You think that bar codes are demonic.
• You enjoy Wal Mart.
• You sneak a peek at Madonna’s Album covers and claim you’re doing research.
• You take National Geographic and draw bikinis on all the naked people.
• You think People Magazine is pornography.
• You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan’s Service.
• You found back masking on Amy Grant’s albums that chant.
• You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
• You think laughter is a tool of the devil.
• You think that tools are tools of the devil.
• you think that tools are devils.
• You buy everything at Sears.
• You think the J. C. Penny catalog is pretty snappy.
• You think Victoria’s Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
• You know the writing on the statue of liberty’s tablet was put there by a Mason.
• You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
• You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
• You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
• You think Mother Theresa is stocking away all her money and getting away on wild weekends at Cannes.
• You say “Darn.”
• You have all of your radio buttons tuned into religious stations.
• You enjoy Muzak.
• Your idea of a hot weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.
• If you’ve ever helped in a baptism and you thought they should stay under water longer.
• You won’t wear a robe even in the bathroom.
• You won’t wear colored underwear.
• You think Phyllis Schafly is sexy.
• You think the guy with the hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
• You think the NEA is a tool of the devil.
• You won’t go to a museum because they have pictures of nekked wimmin.
• You won’t go to a park because they have statues of nekked wimmin.
• You won’t go in your bathroom because your wife sometimes is nekked.
• You don’t have children because it means you and your wife would have to get nekked. . .a little.
• A modem is a tool of the devil.
• You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
• You like Spam.
• You think Stuckey’s is a great american institution.
• You think Bingo was a pretty good game until them Catholics took it over.
• You think, “I wouldn’t be caught dead gambling,” as you purchase your lottery ticket as an investment.
• You think Bill Clinton is the Devil.
• You think Hillary Clinton is the Devil.
• You call Israel the Holy Land.
• You enjoy using flannel art.
• You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
• You pronounce “repent” as “rheeeee- paint.”
• You say Amen more than once an hour.
• You pray so long your food gets cold.
• You think Doctors are a tool of the devil.
• You think teachers are a tool of the devil.
• You think science is a tool of the devil.
• You think Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
• You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
• You sit still in your living room on Sundays so God won’t get pissed off at you because you are working on the Lord’s day.
• You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.
• Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
• You become an Amway dealer to evangelise in disguise.
• You like being an Amway dealer.
• You think A.A. is liberal.
• You think Aids are those little chocolate candies to lose weight.
• You have your name stamped on all your Bibles.
• You have more than 10 Bibles.
• You think that Catholics actually pray to little plaster statues.
• You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy.
• You think Amy Grant is a tool of the devil.
• You think underneath the Pope’s skull cap is the mark of the beast.
• You have evidence “They” are rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem.
• You name your children after the apostles.
• You name your child Ichabod, Shalmaneser, Jeremiah or Ezekiel.
• You have a Bible Cover that looks like a doily.
• You like all that country living paraphenalia crap.
• You preach against gossip but you thumb through the National Enquirer at the check-out line.
• You wonder just who is this Jenny McCarthy.
• You won’t own a credit card because “they” might use to give you a “mark of the beast.”
• You rail against Catholics for statues but wear a cross around your own neck.
• You always bring bean cassarole to a church pot-luck.

The Geography of a Woman
————————
Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
————————
Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

I have an earache.2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Were abouts do most woman have curly hair?

In Fiji