Category: other

A guy is trying to teach a blind guy how to work
a computer. After the guy is done, he asks ” do you
understand?” The blind man nods his head and says ” I see.”

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Seth. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.The voice of the Devil was heard, “Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.The voice of the Devil was heard, “Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.Seth, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Seth jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: “Cindy, you have sinned…”

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say…he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Va un loro con su amo por la calle y de repente pasa un se�or y pregunta:

“Disculpe, �el animal habla?”

A lo que el loro responde:

“No, se�or.”

Your garbage can is your “in” box.
You sleep more at work than at home.
Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”
You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
You have so much on your mind, you’ve forgotten how to pee.
Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you
just don’t care.
Your friend calls to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off
my back, jerk!”

There was this mexican who was walking down a beach when he found a bottle that contained a genie.

Well he rubbed the bottle and the genie said, “I’ll grant you one wish”.

So the mexican says – “ok, I wanna be white and I wanna be surrounded by a pussy”.

The genie grants the mexicans wish…and turned him into a tampon!

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don’t wear any

Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

Un borracho est� afuera de una cantina; en eso, pasa una muchacha vestida muy elegantemente y despidiendo un olor muy agradable. El beodo la piropea:

“�Qu� bonito huele!”

“Letue franzue, perfume franc�s, $150 francos”, le contesta la chica.

Entonces, el borrach�n se tira un pedo y la joven se queja:

“�Qu� feo huele!”

“Frijol bayo, $9.50 el kilo”, presume el temulento.

In the men’s room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — “Think!”The next day, when he went to the men’s room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — “Thoap!”

-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Water
-Water Who?
-Water you doing?

******

-knock knock
-who’s there?
-Abbot
-Abbot who?
-Abbot you dont know who this is!

******

-Knock knock
-who’s there?
-Abe Lincoln
-Abe Lincoln who?
-Dummy! you dont know who Abe Lincoln is?

******

-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Ach
-Ach who?
-God bless you!

******

-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Ali
-Ali who?
-Ali Bamba
*******************************************

-Knock knock
-Who’s there?
-Edsall
-Edsall who?
-Edsall there is, there isnt any more!!!!
********************************************

Your family is so poor, they go to kentucky fried chicken to lick other
people’s fingers.

You’er so poor at Christmas your mom bought you a video tape of other kids
playing with their toys.

Your family is so poor, you have to go home and take off your clothes so
Your father can have pants to wear to work…

Your father is so poor he can’t afford to pay attention…

Your family is so poor they window shop at K-Mart

Your parents are so poor they got married for the rice.

Your familys been on welfare so long your grandpa’s face is on food stamps.

Your family is so poor, when I asked for something to eat your mother gave
me a BLT: bread, lettuce, and tomato….

Your mother is so poor I saw her on the street selling loose M&M’s.

Your family is so poor the roaches have to eat out or go hungry.

Se encuentran dos amigas despu�s de muchos a�os…

“Hola Mar�a Jos�, �c�mo est�s?”

“Hola Mar�a Emilia, �yo muy bien y t�?”

“Bien, vivo donde siempre, con mis dos hijos; me separe de mi marido por que no lo soportaba m�s.”

“Est� bien, hay que echarlos cuando una lo cree necesario.”

“�Y t�?

“Yo bien, en mi casa de siempre tambi�n, con mis 12 hijos.”

“�12 Hijos!”

“S�, 12, y a todos les puse de nombre Juan.”

“�A todos Juan! �Y c�mo haces para llamarlos?”

“F�cil, Cuando los quiero llamar a comer dijo Juan a comer, y vienen todos. Juan a tomar la leche, y vienen todos, muy f�cil.”

“Ah s�; �y cuando quieres llamar a uno solo?”

“�Por el apellido…!”