Category: other

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum.

Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… just can’t wait to get on the road again…”

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum.

The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

“Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

“On the road again… just can’t wait to get on the road again…”

“So what?”, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.

“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.

“Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

‘Resumania’ is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some examples:

‘I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.’ (And an eye on the ‘e’ section of the dictionary, evidently.)

‘Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No problem …)

‘Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. ‘(Glad to hear it.)

‘I am very detail-oreinted. ‘(With the possible exception of spelling)

‘I can play well with others.’ (We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)

‘Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.’ (A new twist on work-family balance.)

‘Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.’ (Have you considered law school?)

‘My salary requirement is $34 per year.’ (They say money isn’t everything.)

‘Served as assistant sore manager.’ (Ouch.)

‘Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.’ (So you’re willing to travel?)

‘I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.’ (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

‘Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.’ (We’re glad you’re not bitter.)

Yo mama is so fat that she uses the VCR as a beeper.

There’s this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, “You’re gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms, when you feel the need, stick you’re dick in the hole for a blowjob.

“So the next day,the guy sees the owner, and says, “this place is great, I’m going to use that barrel everyday.”

The owner says, “Everyday except Mondays.”

“Why not on Mondays?”

The owner says, “That’s your day in the barrel.”

There was an assembly at the School for the Gifted Blonde
tomorrow. The principal had hired a mathmetician to come in and
instruct about how math can be fun. When these teenage blondes
found this out, they went home and practiced their math facts,
hoping they would win a prize for getting the most problems
right.

The next morning when the mathmatician came in for the assembly,
all the girls were chatting. As soon as he stepped on stage,
silence fell over the room.

The mathmatician introduced himself and explained how math can
be fun. At the end of his speeches, he asked the crowd, “Now
girls, I know you have all been practicing math. That’s why I
decided I am going to allow one lady up on stage to answer some
math problems. How about that young lady in the back.”

She stood up and walked to the stage. Her name was Marie.
“Hello Marie.” The Mathmaician said. “Now, what’s 2+2?”

Marie thought for a moment, “5?” she said in an unsure voice.
‘Give her another try, give her another try.’ The crowd cheered.

“Alright, that was close. What is 3+3?”

Marie thought a little longer this time. She was using her
fingers. “Ummmmm…..5?”

The crowd cheered, ‘Give her another try, Give her another try!’

“That was closer, Marie. Let’s try another. What is 2+3?”

Marie thought long and hard on this one. Five minutes had past.
The crowd was still silent. Marie finally said, “Ummm… I
blieve it’s 5.”

The blonde crowd cheered, ‘Give her another try, Give her
another try!’

La atractiva mujer se dirige hacia el bar de una taberna rural y le hace unos gestos al cantinero, el cual se acerca a ella inmediatamente.

Ella le hace se�as para que acerque m�s su cara. Cuando est� cerca, gentilmente le empieza a acariciar su espesa barba.

“�Eres el administrador de este lugar?”, le dice mientras le acaricia la cara con las dos manos.

“Realmente, no”.

“Puedes decirle que venga. Necesito hablar con �l”, le dice ella mientras sus manos siguen acariciando su barba y su pelo.

“Me temo que no voy a poder”, dice respirando excitado, “�la puedo ayudar en algo?”

“S� puedes, necesito que le des un mensaje”, dice ella, mientras le introduce dos de sus dedos en la boca y deja que �l los chupe suavemente, “dile al administrador que no hay papel higi�nico en el ba�o de las se�oras”.

An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming “Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!”, which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo”. The Japanese clients looked confused and said “No, you got the right hole.”

Have you ever been in a teenager’s room.

They’re all done in the same style — modern sloppy.

A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was
only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five
years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said “Bed
Hard”, then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned
to the chambers of the head Monk and said ” Food Cold “, then turned and walked
out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of
the head Monk and said “I Quit”. The head Monk looked at him and replied. “Well,
that doesn’t surprise me one bit, you’ve done nothing but ediot since you got
here”

Ace 1s a�s ns psabms oras y oras dlant dl TV. Ls profsors s qjabn d q no leiams y d q scribiams a�n -, y tladrabn a ntros pdres para q ns iciesn leer cmo fues (muxo mjor si n voz alta) y, ay q cnfsarlo, hsta para q scribiesems 1 diario.

Hsta q 1 dia ns rglaron ntro 1er mvil y ns nstalarn INTERNET n ksa. Dsd ntonces, y sbretodo grcias al sms dl mvil, al Mssngr dl MSN y a ls xats (q gran invnto!) ls jovns d oy (y tb ls no tn jovns) ddikms + tmpo q nunk a la scritura y a l lctura. Inxplikblmnte ls nots d lnguaj an bjado n pikdo y ls profsors ns sign exando la bronk kda vz q ns dvulvn 1 rdaccion, o qando no pronunciams bien 1 acnto.

Y yo m prgunto: Si ns pasams tods ls class nviando mnsjits d amor a aqya prsona tan special q ns snrio n l psiyo dl insti y n casa no acems + q pasarns toda l trde dlant dl ordnador xatndo kn ls colegs… Pq ntoncs kda vz acems + falts d ortografia???

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well hung!

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and
I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For
starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until
Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time
Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they – with amazing calm – call other
errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of
panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I’m
convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on
the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still
have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in
the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this
the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would
also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man: – Men
can’t pack a bag. – Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. –
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all
those elves. – Men don’t answer their mail. – Men would refuse to allow their
physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful
of jelly.” – Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
– Having to do the “Ho Ho Ho” thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women. – Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men……… – Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. – Cupid flies around carrying weapons. – Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have
each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The
Christmas Song,” it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I
just wish she’d quit dressing like a guy!!!