Category: other

An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, ‘Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C’est magnifique!’ and continued to watch, remembering good times.Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, ‘Mais… Sacre bleu!! Ze woman – she is dead!’ and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, ‘Albert… Albert zere is zis man zis woman .. . naked in Farmer Gaston’s field making love.’The police chief smiled and said; ‘Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.”Mais non! You do not understand – ze woman she is dead!’Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.’Pierre, Pierre… this is Albert. I was in Gaston’s field… zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex.’To which Pierre replied, ‘Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural.’Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, ‘Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!’Hearing this Pierre shouted, ‘Mon dieu!’ grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said, ‘Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.’

You might be a redneck if you have ever awakened someone
to tell them its time to go to sleep.

Irishman driving down the road, got pulled over by a policeman, the policeman said, “you’re drunk.”, the driver said, “thank god for that, I thought the steering had gone.”

Irishman driving down the road, got pulled over by a policeman, policeman said, “your wife fell out the car 5 miles back, the man replied, ” thank god for that” i’d thought i’d gone deaf!”

These jokes are so gay they turn pee-wee-hurman on

What do you get when you cross a leprechan and a hooker: a
little green fucker about 1 inch big

Un ni�o llega a una tienda y le pide al tendero:

“Se�or, �me hace el favor y me da un helado de ron con pasas?”.

“Tenga su helado, tenga su helado”, le despacha el tendero.

A los 5 minutos:

“Se�or, �me hace el favor y me da un helado de ron con pasas?”.

Y as�, contin�a pidiendo varios, hasta que lleg� el momento:

“Se�or, me hace el favor y me da el mismo helado, o si no le parto el vidrio de la vitrina”.

“Usted, �qu� est� borracho o qu�?”

“�Ay! �Acaso usted nunca ha perdido un primero de primaria?”

There’s an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters…The Englishman says ” I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes”.The Scotsman says ” That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank.”With that the Irishman says ” Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a cock.”

What is the diffrence between a blonde and a redneck? Their hair color.

(Q.)What do you call a bunch of mexicans on a roof?

(A.)Chingos

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had
been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one,
“Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only
people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I
came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my
searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging
off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering
on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and
fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I
couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and
threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all
the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and
again asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well,
this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But
I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew
I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the
balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and
grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out
of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his
story.

“Picture this,” says the third man, “I’m hiding naked inside a
refrigerator…”

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum.

Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing “On the road again… just can’t wait to get on the road again…”

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum.

The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

“Look at this. This is really something!” the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

“On the road again… just can’t wait to get on the road again…”

“So what?”, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.

“But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” asked the student.

“Are you kidding?” replied the Examiner, “Any asshole can sing country music!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis